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AIBU?

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Original poster

Absent Father getting in contact

30 replies

Betteb · 04/10/2020 11:16

Posted in parenting, but got hardly any replies so reposting here for traffic

Not AIBU, more WWYD.
Years ago I became pregnant due to a contraception failure, the dad tried to pressure me into an abortion but I couldn't go through with it. He was very clear that he wanted nothing to do with the baby and I last spoke to him when I was 4 months pregnant. He got married and had another child and grudgingly paid intermittent child support, but apart from that no contact. Fast forward 20 odd years and my son is a lovely young man (apparently a bit too sensitive according to some male family members) and I am always receiving compliments from people who meet him. Unfortunately he has just lost his grandad who was the male figure he was most close to. Last night a woman contacted him via social media claiming to be his 'dads' partner, saying that his dad never stopped talking about him and asking my son if he would be willing to meet him. My son has always said he wouldn't be interested, but now it has actually happened I can see he is curious.
I know this is not about me, but I can't help feeling a little hmm about it. I feel that this woman is rewriting the narrative a little, as I made it very clear at the time that the 'dad' could contact me at any time if he wanted to see his son and we have never heard a peep. Yet she is now claiming that he has been talking about his son constantly for the last 10 years. I am annoyed and pissed off to be honest, but can't show that to my son as I don't want to influence his decision. Sorry for the long post, but I can't talk to anyone IRL as my son as asked me not to.

OP posts:
AmIACowBag · 04/10/2020 11:44

Hi OP. I met my dad late teens. I was curious and wanted to know who he was but hadn't reached out to him it was his sister who contacted me. I never called him dad though as he wasnt a dad to me I refer to him as his name. It lasted a few years and he just could not be bothered. Would suggest plans and not stick to them. I haven't spoken to him in about 10 years. I'm not missing out! I have siblings from him and was excited to meet them but they are just strangers and we haveno contact now. Just support your son he will see him for who he is. My mum never bad mouthed my dad she watched quietly and let me find out for myself. I think more highly of my mum for that. Your sons dad could have contacted him anytime and he hasn't. Says alot.

billy1966 · 04/10/2020 11:53

Well, I can WELL imagine you are pissed off.

I certainly wouldn't allow ANY suggestion that you were anything other than open to contact for tge past 20 years.

This man NEVER got in touch and only begrudgingly paid intermittent support.

I would make it very clear to your son that this woman is suggesting a completely different narrative for their purposes.

Other than that, if he wants to meet him I would be supportive of whatever he wants.

I would support some bullshit lie that this man now wants to sprout🙄.

You sound like he was so lucky to have you.

If you can afford some counselling for him, it might be helpful at this time.
Flowers

billy1966 · 04/10/2020 11:55

*I WOULDN'T support some bullshit lie that he now wants to sprout🙄

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 04/10/2020 12:03

If this man has matured into a better person then it would be nice for your son to have his dad in his life. BUT people very seldom change as adults and I'd be surprised if this man has become a dependable father figure.

I'd tell him that what this man's DP is saying now doesn't tie in with what actually happened (although she may not be lying. Her DP may have lied to her). Point out that his dad was always welcome to get in touch but didn't. Your son needs to know you fear his dad won't step up and be the reliable, consistent father he has probably hoped for. Say you have no problem with him being in touch with his dad but that you fear he'll get hurt.

Merryoldgoat · 04/10/2020 12:05

At 20 your son can hee the truth. I probably wouldn’t tell him his father wanted to abort him but I WOULD tell him clearly you’ve never refused contact, he’s been free to be in touch and he’s never tried to reach out.

He’s not reaching out now either, is he? It’s his partner. I wonder if he even knows his partner is contacting your son. Much easier to have the ‘poor me’ narrative to garner sympathy. Bit harder if faced with the reality.

I have no relationship with my father - he fucked off when my mum was pregnant.

I want nothing to do with him but curiosity is something else. Support him and be there when he realises his ‘father’ is a feckless waste of space.

girlywhirly · 04/10/2020 12:33

My thought is, why if the bio father is so keen on contact now, is he hiding behind his wife’s skirts? Unless he doesn’t know she has done this behind his back. I would expect in your son’s place for a man who was really interested to step up and admit he should have been better.

This is your son’s decision, and he will need your support. If he wants to meet this man, I think he could ask him to contact directly on social media and have some dialogue first, rather than through his wife. If she has been doing this without his knowledge or permission it will serve him right if is starts a row between them. I would suggest that your son doesn’t make any more effort than this, and let the bio father make all the effort.

Givemeabreak88 · 04/10/2020 19:03

I wonder why the wife has contacted not his dad; sounds a bit off to me! I would feel the same as you though so it’s understandable

Original poster
Betteb · 04/10/2020 19:22

Thank you for your replies, good to know that I'm not wrong in feeling a bit pissed off. From the messages my son has received today, I would definitely say the partner is pushing this for whatever reason. Angry
All I can do now is advise and support him.

OP posts:
Sunnydaysstillhere · 04/10/2020 19:25

Ime men who need a woman to promt them to be a df don't do a good job of being one...

Sunnydaysstillhere · 04/10/2020 19:25

*prompt!

Givemeabreak88 · 04/10/2020 19:34

It’s completely normal to feel this way, my kids dad doesn’t bother with them, if in 10 years he messaged or got his woman to message I wouldn’t be too pleased! That’s the thing that says it all to me, it’s not even him that has messaged, does your son want to meet him?

Sunnydaysstillhere · 04/10/2020 19:39

After an absence of nearly 20 years my dd's df got in touch with her. Claimed to have searched for her for years. Strange as my dm lived at the same address and hadn't heard from him at all..
Dd managed to put up with him for a couple of years as he had another dd 10 years younger and felt a bit obligated to ... Dd dropped him after honestly telling him there was absolutely no connection between him /her /his dd and she had no spare time for either of them!!
He actually text back 'ah OK take care then' !!
And disappeared back under his rock!!

Original poster
Betteb · 04/10/2020 20:02

@Givemeabreak88 he's thinking about meeting him just to satisfy his curiosity, but he's still not sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Betteb · 04/10/2020 20:05

@Sunnydaysstillhere yes, we've heard the same excuse today and also the excuse that my family didn't like him, I wonder whyHmm
Hopefully he will also disappear back under his rock!

OP posts:
Sunnydaysstillhere · 04/10/2020 20:15

Op have some faith in how you have raised your ds...
My dd saw right through her df!!
One of the first things she said to him was not to bother slagging me off for him walking away!!
Grin

movingonup20 · 04/10/2020 20:25

My exh met up with his dad as an adult. Apparently he had always told his dw he wanted contact and talked about his dc (wasn't his choice not to have contact, courts backed mothers back then)

FourPlasticRings · 04/10/2020 20:28

Make sure you tell your son the total truth. Not to influence him, but because your relationship with him is more important. I'd also be slightly wary- how do you k one this woman is who she says she is? Why isn't the dad reaching out himself if he's so bothered?

FourPlasticRings · 04/10/2020 20:28

Know, now k one

katy1213 · 04/10/2020 20:42

I'd be tempted to point out that if he's missing a male figure in his life, this one isn't man enough to contact him in person.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 04/10/2020 23:15

@AmIACowBag

Hi OP. I met my dad late teens. I was curious and wanted to know who he was but hadn't reached out to him it was his sister who contacted me. I never called him dad though as he wasnt a dad to me I refer to him as his name. It lasted a few years and he just could not be bothered. Would suggest plans and not stick to them. I haven't spoken to him in about 10 years. I'm not missing out! I have siblings from him and was excited to meet them but they are just strangers and we haveno contact now. Just support your son he will see him for who he is. My mum never bad mouthed my dad she watched quietly and let me find out for myself. I think more highly of my mum for that. Your sons dad could have contacted him anytime and he hasn't. Says alot.
I could have written your post and yes I agree that children are not stupid and always know which parent was ultimately there for them .
Pantsomime · 04/10/2020 23:37

Tell her he wanted you to abort hence the split. He should approach your son. Agree you don’t bad mouth him to your son as DS may need to satisfy his curiosity And engage/ explore a relationship. I would not tell your son that father wanted abortion as that may impact DS’s self esteem, the father needs to live with that (and his wife know). The fact DS is mature is a blessing, this would have been way worse if it happened 5-10 years earlier - good luck both you and DS

lyralalala · 04/10/2020 23:42

Women who push their partner into tracking down, or building a relationship, with their child really piss me off. I've said to several of my exes girlfriends in the past "And who do you think will pick up the pieces with my girls when you two split up and he drops the girls again?"

If a man wanted to be in touch with his child he would already be so. It wouldn't need his new girlfriend to persuade him he should.

Itsonlymakebelieve · 04/10/2020 23:46

Something similar happened to my DS I broke up with his dad when he was only four months old. I never asked for child support, had very good reasons, stayed local as it happens so easily contactable if he had been bothered. Next time I heard from him my DS was 14 and his dad contacted a friend of mine writing a nasty letter about how I had kept his son from him wtf! Anyway I got back in touch with my ex I said it was a bad time cause DS was sitting exams and could he give it a few months. Never heard anything for another 4 years, he then got in touch with DS via Facebook. I figured at 18 DS was old enough to make up his own mind, but I warned him to be wary of his dad’s motives. Anyway it seems my ex had not changed at all he was all over my DS for a few months promised him the Earth then fucked off never to be seen again.
My DS said he was glad he had met him and that it was when he (my DS) was old enough to deal with the disappointment. He was also proud that I had cared more about his feelings and had not slagged off his dad to him when he was growing up, and I really had a lot to say if I had chosen to. My DS did ask me to be honest once he had met his dad and said it matched with what he had experienced. My DS does not consider my ex to be any more than an accident of his birth he considers his dad to be my DH who I met when my DS was 3 and who has been there for him every day of his life since then.

Gingerkittykat · 04/10/2020 23:50

I would ask why it is the partner and not the dad who is doing the talking.

marriednotdead · 04/10/2020 23:59

@girlywhirly

My thought is, why if the bio father is so keen on contact now, is he hiding behind his wife’s skirts? Unless he doesn’t know she has done this behind his back. I would expect in your son’s place for a man who was really interested to step up and admit he should have been better.

This is your son’s decision, and he will need your support. If he wants to meet this man, I think he could ask him to contact directly on social media and have some dialogue first, rather than through his wife. If she has been doing this without his knowledge or permission it will serve him right if is starts a row between them. I would suggest that your son doesn’t make any more effort than this, and let the bio father make all the effort.

Absolutely this.

I suspect he's not told her the whole truth, let's face it, it doesn't paint a very good picture of him does it...