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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with my husband?

74 replies

kara12345625 · 04/10/2020 09:43

I have an 18 month old son and in 8 weeks I am due for my second son. I work part time (3 days a week) and my husband works full time (5 days a week). We both get the weekends off.
Every Sunday he plays football, so leaves at around 9:30 and gets back at around 1/2 as he sometimes goes to the pub after.
Unfortunately, I do not really have any hobbies.
My husband and I were talking yesterday and he started talking about when baby two arrives and how he doesn't want to miss football, and said he will most likely not miss any even when the baby first arrives (as in the first Sunday after the baby is born). I am so annoyed with him that he is even thinking about that... AIBU to tell him that I don't want him to go to football within a week of having a baby? It turned into an argument and he said he wants as much normality as normal when the baby arrives. I am going to have an elective c section too so shouldn't be carrying much, so will really struggle with my toddler.

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 04/10/2020 10:14

It is outrageous. He should WANT to spend time with his family. I had a natural birth and could barely move. A C section is major surgery. I would get rid. He's making work for you rather than reducing it

user1487194234 · 04/10/2020 10:16

I think its a mistake to talk about it at this stage.When the time comes he will probably realise for himself that for a few weeks at least he should not play.On the other hand if you are feeling ok you might be happy for him to go to the football,but skip the pub.
Longer term you can both discuss his football.

My DH golfs so he moved his game to as early as possible,and in the afternoon I had a bit of time out

BoyTree · 04/10/2020 10:17

he wants as much normality as normal when the baby arrives.

You do that for a toddler, to let them know that they are still important, not for a grown man!! Has he considered how he will help toy and your son feel 'normal'? Or is it only him that needs to be accommodated?

MashedSweetSpud · 04/10/2020 10:18

It’s like he has a second mummy.

Why are you doing everything for him while practically being a single parent?

He’s a lazy, selfish user.

Quartz2208 · 04/10/2020 10:20

So basically he wants his life to continue as he wants with everything whilst you

work
clean
look after the children

Nope OP I think he needs a wake up call in what normal as a Dad of two should be because it isnt what he has at the moment

Merryoldgoat · 04/10/2020 10:24

Ffs. My DH took a month off with each of our kids. I didn’t even ask - he WANTED to be there and to look after his children.

Your husband is an arsehole. And you know it.

MushMonster · 04/10/2020 10:24

He will not have any normality when the baby is born. He will see that at the time.
And he is a grown up, so he does not need his mum to do his job. But at least she is there if he happens not to step up at the time.
He needs to help you with the house and childcare already as you do sound tired.
Does your own family live nearby?

LannieDuck · 04/10/2020 10:33

@kara12345625

He is also the one that is pushing for me to have a c section as he said he hated seeing me going through labour last time (my first ended up as an emergency c section).

What kind of birth do you want? This is one area you can overrule him unilaterally.

And are you currently working FT? In which case, sort out the division of labour now, otherwise it will be worse once you're on mat leave. (Will he be taking any parental leave? I strongly suggest he should.)

madcatladyforever · 04/10/2020 10:36

He wants normality?????? And fuck everyone else!

If you are having a CS he needs to be at home end of.

Original poster

kara12345625 · 04/10/2020 10:38

@MushMonster I am so tired, its my own fault I know, but I am up for hours at night as I can't switch off.
Yes, my husband mentioned his mum coming over towards the end of the argument, but he hasn't mentioned it to her, and she works too so don't even know if that's possible (even if I wanted her to come).
Unfortunately my mum died when I was a child. My dad lives a few hours away and has got remarried, and I feel like he has a new life with his new children now. I have one sister but she lives abroad.

OP posts:

Original poster

kara12345625 · 04/10/2020 10:41

@LannieDuck I would like to try for natural, but at the same time I am really worried in case it turns out how it did last time with a c section. It's not really a discussion when I speak to him about it as he just shuts the conversation down by saying a c section is better. I am working 3 days and he is working 5, but every day I am the one that makes dinner, sorts my son out every morning morning, and tidies up at the end of the day :(

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 04/10/2020 10:47

Well, the choice of birth type isn't his. It's your body. Speak to your midwife.

I think it would be fair for you to do that housework on the two days you don't work. On the three you do, you and he need to split the chores.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/10/2020 10:51

OP you sound exhausted.

As far as the birth goes, do what you feel is right. Next time he raises the c- section say it’s only an option if x y z happen. X y z are whatever you feel you need from him eg no football for first 6 weeks, he is in sole charge of toddler when he is home, hire a cleaner for 2 months etc.

remind him that it is major surgery and you will need considerable support

Next time he talks about normality laugh and say you mean the new normal where it’s all hands on deck with kid wrangling, keeping the housework ticking over and everyone fed.

MushMonster · 04/10/2020 10:53

It is not you fault OP! Try some hot bath, lavender salts, hot drink? So you can sleep.
It is up to him then to help now and when the baby arrives.
OP we are all a bit anxious as the times are so unpredictable. Maybe this is getting to him too? Was he helpfull with first baby?

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2020 11:20

You decide if you want to try labour or do a C-section. He has no say.
But either way, both are physically demanding and require recovery time where he needs to be home to care for you and your older son while you snuggle up with the baby. If natural birth, for at least two weeks. If C-section, for at least six weeks. He will have to skip football for that long.
Once you’ve recovered, he still should do more around the house than he currently does. He should be doing some cleaning, cooking, and definitely be primary for your older son while you have newborn.
YANBU, he is being very selfish. He can start back at football once you’ve recovered and he’s found a babysitter who can handle your older son so you are not left doing everything at home alone. You also should be able to have childfree outings or time to yourself as much as he does.
He seems to take you for granted.

dottiedodah · 04/10/2020 11:22

My DH (now in his 50s!) Loves Chelsea and never misses a match on TV.Also plays in the weekday evenings as well with guys 30s/40s ,wonders why his leg hurts, Hmmm! However when we had small DC life sort of stopped .I too had ops and was in no condition to lift anyone /do anything much until at least 6/8 weeks more like 12 weeks really.Also WTF is going on ATM why is he not hoovering ,cooking (just freezer food or a spag bol)! and some bloody cleaning ? Does he not use he bathroom ?.As far as "normality" is concerned tell him to come back in about 20 years! FFS He needs to grow up ,Seriously !

NC4Now · 04/10/2020 11:22

“Normality” when your wife has just had a C-section is to stay home and help. I’d tell him he can have as much normality as he likes.

DragonPie · 04/10/2020 11:27

But why do you do all these things OP? You’re supposed to be a team. Why are you cooking every night and doing all the tidying? Are you just some skivvy only good enough to pop out the offspring? The dynamics of your relationship seem incredibly one sided fucked up.

dottiedodah · 04/10/2020 11:43

You sound like you are apologising for feeling tired!The reason you cant switch off at night is because you are unhappy at being left with all the "gruntwork"! Two small children to manage ,with a husband who frankly seems disinterested is just not on .Start now .Tell him Bathroom/Hoovering his chores and a simple Spag Bol : 1B mince ,2 jars Dolmio , a few mushrooms and grated cheese all done! Likewise a quick stir fry /chicken strips cooked well ,add some pre prepared stir fry veg in a bag ,Rice and Spring rolls ! Please get this sorted out now! 3 days a week working as well as being pregnant and chores as well is just not on !

W00t · 04/10/2020 11:50

Which day of the week is the section scheduled for? If you remain in hospital, he certainly won't be going to football.
All the husband issues aside, a planned section is very different from an emergency one. Please be reassured that if you go ahead with a section it will be completely different for your recovery this time round. You won't have been through labour first, you'll be calm, ready to welcome your son, even physically recovery is likely to be much better than emcs.
With my DC2 (elcs, emcs Dc1) it was a totally different experience, and he was born on Monday, we came home Wednesday, and went out for walks on Thursday.

Good luck!

W00t · 04/10/2020 11:51

And I'd love to know who are the 6% that think yabu!

lazylinguist · 04/10/2020 11:54

Ask him why he thinks he should get normality as a parent to a new baby when you don't get normality. What a twat.

user1493413286 · 04/10/2020 12:06

I was told after my section to not be alone for the first 2 weeks and even more so with a toddler.

Giespeace · 04/10/2020 12:12

So this person thinks that the “normal” place for him to be a few days after his wife has major surgery is at the football, leaving his 2 infant sons in the charge of said wife?
He either doesn’t know what normal is because he really is that stupid, or he knows perfectly well he’s being a selfish prick.
Nice of him to let you know in advance so that you don’t get ideas above your station or set expectations too high.

Regularsizedrudy · 04/10/2020 12:23

Stop. Having. Children. With. These. Idiots.

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