AIBU to think DH is wrong about sports

[Stilllikestoplay]

After coming home from gymnastics today, I casually told DH that I'd met an adult (43) today who had been doing gymnastics for four years and who was looking for a new coach. DH frowned and said:

'why would a 40 something need a coach if he's been doing it for four years?'

I didn't understand so I said of course they need a coach, who else is going to correct their form etc, and he straight up told me that he thinks that's pointless as 'it's not like you are going to get anywhere at that age.'

AIBU to be a bit sad and put out by this comment? I started gymnastics about seven months ago and I take it very seriously. I train ten hours a week and I have a coach as well as group training. So do some others at my club.

Of course I am aware that I'm not going to the Olympics, but I never knew that my husband thought that me doing and improving at something I really enjoy is 'pointless'.

I love having sports in my life and I was heartbroken when I wasn't able to practice. Apparently DH had been assuming that I'd get to a certain level and that would be it, because I'm obviously not a proper athlete according to him.

Why can't we take sports seriously as an adult? That person is 40, not 90, four years is nothing! There's still so much to work on. Is it really that odd to take my sport seriously at my age (30)?

Not a sport but i know a 95 year old lady who has had piano lessons since she was 8, she's very good but says there's always room for improvement, and she enjoys them

Gymnastics is a young person’s sport. I agree with your DH that a 43 yr old is going nowhere. But I disagree with him in the sense that going somewhere is not the entire point of a sport. So long as you enjoy it and it gives you pleasure it is worth doing.

Well you need a coach because if his form is wrong he’s got a good chance of injury, and four years in gymnastics is nothing! There’s loads of scope to improve and learn new skills.

Have you been following comeback, at age 32? She’s incredible - she took an eight year break from the sport but suddenly got the urge to start training again, and she’s doing skills she’s never done before. And Oksana Chusovitina’s off to her eighth Olympics next year age 45 and with a decent shot at a vault medal.

Gymnastics or any sport for that matter being a young person's sport is a myth in my opinion. If that was the case, every sport is by definition a 'young person's sport'. You start something as an adult you probably won't become world champion. But there are tons of people and even elite athletes who never become the best in the world, but I wouldn't describe them as going nowhere. I was amazed at how much an adult body can still do when starting from zero.

I don't know, I wasn't aware that my husband had such a low opinion of adult sports. He thinks it's a waste of money, but I don't really get that. What should I spend my money on if not on stuff that makes me enjoy my life more? (Obviously I don't mean instead of essentials, this is purely about my spending money after bills etc).

Is it any of his damn business? Does he actually do anything active/useful or is he just someone who has to have an opinion on everything?

Good for whoever it is doing gymnastics at that age, btw. Who gives one if it'll go somewhere or not?

@maggiecate yes, definitely to be fair, I think my husband is being dumb because on the one hand he's saying this, but on the other hand he's bragging to his friends that his wife can do vertical splits.

I’m with you OP

I learned to play tennis from age 40

Yes, I won’t ever get to Wimbledon, so what.

My goal is to get better, get fitter, have fun, make new friends, hit new achievements/levels

All very valid, I think

Do what you love, getting into sport gives you a new lease of life

It’s a shame he does not get it, though

Yeah but he didn't actually say it was pointless YOU doing it, did he? He was referring to someone in different circumstances for you, either ten or thirteen (his age changes in your post) older than you for one thing!

I would probably agree with him to be honest. I obviously don't think sports themselves are pointless, there are loads of benefits to them, and I would never actually say anyone having a coach is pointless, but I do think that sports do tend to be split into professionals (who I would expect to have a coach) and amatures, for whom yes it would be a bit unusual to have a one-to-one coach for four years with no expectation of going professional or making any money from it.

Obviously that differs from sport to sport, something more structured like karate you obviously would have a coach equivalent taking you up through the gradings (but even then it would usually be someone leading a class rather than an individual coach), whereas something like rock climbing or sailing or cycling or swimming (in fact the vast majority of the "main" sports people think of) you would tend to just carry on yourself once you'd mastered the basics if you had no aspirations to get to professional status. Even something like golf or tennis people might have a few one-to-one sessions with a coach to get help with a specific thing but it would be very unusual for them to have four years worth of it!

Apart from anything else I don't imagine most people who do a sport for fun/fitness/social interaction/anything else that isn't aimed at professional level would be able to afford/justify the expense of a coach!

A long winded way of saying that perhaps your DH was rude to disparage you directly (although honestly it doesn't sound as if he did really and you're just reading too much into it), but it is quite unusual for most non professional people doing a sport to have a one-to-one coach. It doesn't make having one pointless if you can afford it and it makes you happy, and there are a lot worse things to spend your money on, but I have to admit I wouldn't really see the point either....

@thevassal I rounded down the age, sorry for the confusion.

It depends on the sport. It's quite common in gymnastics because bad form can lead to injury. Even if DH didn't directly say what I was doing was pointless, he was kind of alluding to it by saying he was assuming I'd stop paying for coaching after having learnt 'the basics'.

Lots of age related competitions for both male and female in many sports or sport can be done for personal fulfilment.

A coach can motivate as well as correct form etc and if you can afford it, why not?

TBH vast majority of teenagers who do sport, with or without a coach will never go to the Olympics but who cares.

I am 50 and have a running coach. Would your husband like to come and discuss how pointless that is with me?
I had one to one swimming lessons last year.
It's for my own improvement and enjoyment.

I'm 48, have a disability, and have a swimming coach. I'll never even be an age group competitor, but I enjoy swimming and having a coach reduces my injury risk and lets me swim more efficiently so I can participate in more events.
Your dh is being a prat

I took up a sport in 2002 at 39 and got my first county cap at 42.

Your dh is talking rubbish

I think ur dh is very naive about sport tbh. I took up cycling at 48. 8 years later I'm fitter and better endurance than I've ever had. Without coach I think I'd still be plodding on bt no where near my current level. Meet about once a month and is available mid month for any questions I have, advises me on heart rate, recovery sessions, even diet. It might be a little luxury for a pure mature but I enjoy it. Won a few age categories too.

*pure amature

Spell check is a nuisance.

I think there is a big difference between gymnastics and something like tennis. Starting in your 30s as an adult is going to place a ceiling on what you can do with gymnastics. In that respect a coach will be vital as you could do yourself a lot of harm (so I disagree with him on that) but also agree that other sports are probably a bit more conducive to age appropriate competitions and progression.

@Ratatcat tennis is no different from gymnastics in that aspect. I have played tennis, and gymnastics provides a similar or even better visible progression curve. Gymnastics has competitions for adults, as does tennis. As long as you have goals, the activity doesn't matter that much. Progressing towards them makes it fun and rewarding. I'm on of the younger people doing gymnastics in my area, and I've seen people nearly twice my age who make me feel envious of their flexibility and strength.

I can't quite explain exactly how dismissive DH sounded, but it was honestly off-putting. It was as if he was mocking me and this other person for being extremely silly. Life is ultimately pointless, we're all going to die. Does that mean we should not so anything because of it? He doesn't have to share my enthusiasm, but being so rude and dismissive has put me off him a bit.

I've loved hearing some of your stories of taking a sport seriously as an adult. It's great fun and I am hoping adult competitions continue to grow in popularity for all sports. There's no hope for DH though, he's too far up his own arse.

What enthusiasms does he have? I would be noting how pointless they are in the face of our certain death and decay. And I would ignore his opinion. It is just an opinion, and one many people disagree with.

So we should all stop sports at 30 because we aren’t going to get anywhere?

DH has recently gone back to a swimming club, he won’t make the olympics but who cares? That’s not why he’s doing it, he enjoys it and it keeps him fit. He’s also good at it.

I’d love to go back to gymnastics. Your DH is being weird.

I think I agree with your husband. I took up a sport when I was 36 and had a coach as thee were techniques to learn. But I wouldn’t have carried on with coaching after four years, because I am just doing it for enjoyment and not planning to go professional.

I really wouldn’t let him put you off. You’ve been lucky to find a club that is supportive of beginner adults (and seemingly older adults). Not everywhere will be as accommodating. I think my point was more that you can still be a 60 year old playing tennis or cricket socially without there being much risk of completing screwing up your body.

@Ratatcat yeah, I get that. I'm just highlighting it because tennis can lead to horrendous injuries just as gymnastics can. Actually, sometimes sports like that can be more of a risk precisely because they look less risky, so people overdo it or overestimate their skill level and before you know it their knee is in a cast.

What I've noticed from pursuing sports as an adult vs as a child, is that adults are much more self-motivated and disciplined than children. It's of course never going to make up for a young body, but it does mean that for certain things, you can actually learn something as fast as the average child, and that has been quite the ego boost on occasion. My time management skills have also greatly improved. I never realised that there were so many hours in my day until I tried to structure them.

DH plays video games all day. He does go to the gym, but only to look good, he doesn't actually enjoy excercise emotionally. I might tell him how pointless that is as his body is never going to get him anywhere but the grave.

Google ‘fixed mindset’ vs ‘growth mindset’. Sounds like your husband is very fixed in his outlook.

I compete in dressage. I’m two levels up from the bottom, 6 to go. I have a coach to help me improve so that I can progress up the levels. I’m 43, never going to the olympics but my personal ambition is to ride at advanced or even PSG before I get too old.

but on the other hand he's bragging to his friends that his wife can do vertical splits

Am I to infer from this that your gymnastics benefits his sex life? If so it might be worth reminding him of this and tell him to keep his opinions in his pocket.