AIBU to think DH is wrong about sports

[Stilllikestoplay]

After coming home from gymnastics today, I casually told DH that I'd met an adult (43) today who had been doing gymnastics for four years and who was looking for a new coach. DH frowned and said:

'why would a 40 something need a coach if he's been doing it for four years?'

I didn't understand so I said of course they need a coach, who else is going to correct their form etc, and he straight up told me that he thinks that's pointless as 'it's not like you are going to get anywhere at that age.'

AIBU to be a bit sad and put out by this comment? I started gymnastics about seven months ago and I take it very seriously. I train ten hours a week and I have a coach as well as group training. So do some others at my club.

Of course I am aware that I'm not going to the Olympics, but I never knew that my husband thought that me doing and improving at something I really enjoy is 'pointless'.

I love having sports in my life and I was heartbroken when I wasn't able to practice. Apparently DH had been assuming that I'd get to a certain level and that would be it, because I'm obviously not a proper athlete according to him.

Why can't we take sports seriously as an adult? That person is 40, not 90, four years is nothing! There's still so much to work on. Is it really that odd to take my sport seriously at my age (30)?

I'm 45 and have been playing football and being coached since I was 18. I'm still not particularly good but it provides structure and helps me and the team improve. I'd also love to start adult gymnastics and was looking into it just before lockdown.

I agree with your DH that a 43 yr old is going nowhere.

If by going nowhere you mean won't end up competing, then sure. But surely improving constitutes going somewhere?

Coaching is always worth while if you want to improve. The reason for improving can be competitive or just personal sense of achievement.

I competed seriously at a sport in my teens and 20s, always had a coach to some extent. Going back to competing now in my 40s (well I will be eligible for over 40s when the next competition happens) and will definitely have a coach...

To an extent I can coach myself tactically (I also referee at this sport) but sometimes you need eyes on the outside to see what you're doing wrong (and right) - which you physically can't see, and if you're stuck in a bad habit you don't know what "right" feels like!

Hmm, I wonder what your husband would think of the two 85 year old women in my table tennis club who can thrash me off the table?! They go for professional coaching in our nearest city, and play in our village club for fun and practice.

Gymnastics is a young person’s sport. I agree with your DH that a 43 yr old is going nowhere.

So, so wrong

@lazylinguist

I agree with your DH that a 43 yr old is going nowhere.

If by going nowhere you mean won't end up competing, then sure. But surely improving constitutes going somewhere?

That's not true. There are seniors competitions in most individual sports, never mind team ones like Sunday League football.

I used to compete in kickboxing in my mid thirties and there were plenty of older people that were far better than me - and I worked with one guy who makes a bloody good living in athletics as a senior.

Tbh at 40 you're only ever in it for the fun. You can't compete atqll

I took up bodybuilding in my 50s, after a decade of being badly overweight. I lost six stones in the latter part of my 40s.

Am I going anywhere? You bet: on stage next year and into competition with women half my age. It would have been this year but Covid-19 intervened .

I'll be 54 for my first competition

Dear op, do you think your DH might be a bit jealous of this man, who is strong and proficient at your sport. His dismissive remarks may be more about diminishing a 'rival' he feels threatened by and not at all related to you. I am sure your regard for this man is in no way romantic, which is why this angle might not have occurred to you.

"There are seniors competitions in most individual sports, never mind team ones like Sunday League football."

And Sunday leauge is the very definition of "nowhere" in football

My mum began a martial art at the age of 65. She quickly progressed and became a "black belt", followed by her teaching qualification. 25 years on she still gives classes 4, 5, 6 days of the week! (There was a gap in full lockdown, and she now takes 3 or 4 students at a time in the park unless the rain is torrential.)
She is amazing, but definitely needed a lot of coaching after four years. She still goes to masterclasses every now and again. As someone up thread said- you never stop learning, and you can always improve.

I think his way of thinking is that adults normally take part in sports like gymnastics when they’re doing so competitively. There’s a kind of goal/target at the end of their training, which they’re obviously not going to reach if they’re starting when they’re middle aged.
I don’t think it’s crossed his mind that just learning and taking part in these sports are enjoyable for the people who are into it. You don’t need to ‘get anywhere’ with it.

@thevassal

Yeah but he didn't actually say it was pointless YOU doing it, did he? He was referring to someone in different circumstances for you, either ten or thirteen (his age changes in your post) older than you for one thing!

I would probably agree with him to be honest. I obviously don't think sports themselves are pointless, there are loads of benefits to them, and I would never actually say anyone having a coach is pointless, but I do think that sports do tend to be split into professionals (who I would expect to have a coach) and amatures, for whom yes it would be a bit unusual to have a one-to-one coach for four years with no expectation of going professional or making any money from it.

Obviously that differs from sport to sport, something more structured like karate you obviously would have a coach equivalent taking you up through the gradings (but even then it would usually be someone leading a class rather than an individual coach), whereas something like rock climbing or sailing or cycling or swimming (in fact the vast majority of the "main" sports people think of) you would tend to just carry on yourself once you'd mastered the basics if you had no aspirations to get to professional status. Even something like golf or tennis people might have a few one-to-one sessions with a coach to get help with a specific thing but it would be very unusual for them to have four years worth of it!

Apart from anything else I don't imagine most people who do a sport for fun/fitness/social interaction/anything else that isn't aimed at professional level would be able to afford/justify the expense of a coach!

A long winded way of saying that perhaps your DH was rude to disparage you directly (although honestly it doesn't sound as if he did really and you're just reading too much into it), but it is quite unusual for most non professional people doing a sport to have a one-to-one coach. It doesn't make having one pointless if you can afford it and it makes you happy, and there are a lot worse things to spend your money on, but I have to admit I wouldn't really see the point either....

Something like tennis or golf you can play at many levels once you know the basics and improvement comes through practice and tweaking technique. With something like gymnastics there will be more difficult moves to learn as you progress and will need a coach to ensure you are doing them correctly. Lots of people do yoga and have a teacher, even though in theory they could do it alone at home.

@Elsewyre

"There are seniors competitions in most individual sports, never mind team ones like Sunday League football."

And Sunday leauge is the very definition of "nowhere" in football

No it isn't. They get;

Regular exercise which improves and maintains aerobic fitness, bone density, muscle mass and strength, flexibility and anaerobic fitness
A reason to eat better
A social life not entirely centred around unhealthy behaviour
Playing in a team
Mental stimulation
Fun

I fail to see how increasing life expectancy, reducing the odds of osteoporosis, dementia and other diseases/conditions associated with poorer quality of life, maintaining wider social connections and being happy is 'nowhere'.

Many people who participate in those sports also give their time to the junior versions - the type that result in the top league professional players. Perhaps they shouldn't bother? After all, most of the kids taking part won't get anywhere with it.

Out of interest, those who are dismissive of people taking part in sports beyond the age they have a realistic chance of competing at the top level, what level are you at/did you reach in your chosen sport?

What a depressing attitude! It's like saying there it's no point doing anything unless you can do it professionally/ competitively. What about health and fitness, the satisfaction of improving and achieving goals you have set for yourself, the enormous mental health benefits?

I started doing ballet lessons (on zoom and later in person) during lockdown. I am 46. No I won't ever join Sadler's wells or even be any good but I really enjoy it and feel chuffed when I finally manage a pirouette or an arabseque after many weeks of attempts. I'm fitter and stronger (I lift weights and the stretching of ballet is a really good compliment and helps avoid injuries), I've met some new people, it's a rare escape from the house/ family (I wfh) and it's improved my posture no end. But according to OP's husband there is no point so I might as well slump in a chair and eat biscuits instead.

And on that note, I'm off to cancel my gym membership and use the savings to buy a funeral plan and a pack of Tena Lady. I'm 53, you know

Pfffft!

I hate sports and always have but even I see the point of having a coach if you want to improve. And bodies need to be kept fit and healthy and ANY age. Your DH sounds as though he resents your gym sessions for some reason.

Do you have kids at home OP? Does he train in anything for 10 hours a week? Admittedly 10 hours is a lot of time taken away from family time etc.

If the answer is no to the kids and he has the same amount of free time each week then I'd say crack on and don't worry.

@Soonbechrimbo

Do you have kids at home OP? Does he train in anything for 10 hours a week? Admittedly 10 hours is a lot of time taken away from family time etc.

If the answer is no to the kids and he has the same amount of free time each week then I'd say crack on and don't worry.

This has nothing to do with OP's IABU.

One of the things I’ve liked about having sporty kids is getting back into sports of my youth. We swim and cycle loads as a family.

I have to admit though - I had no idea you could do gymnastics as an adult - I competed from 6-14 and then took it up again at university and competed in Varsity and BUSA but I figured that would be it.

Don’t think my pelvic floor could take doing gym now though!

@Soonbechrimbo We do not have children, nor are we planning to have any. It's not the time itself he finds offensive, it's the 'taking it seriously' bit. He thinks it's a waste of money, not because we don't have the money, but because he thinks it's kidding yourself.

For example, he'd find the idea getting a sports massage or travelling abroad for a training camp for a few days in summer absolutely ridiculous, but I don't. And you can definitely compete. At club and even national or international level, depending on the sport and your appetite for it. Or you cannot, you don't have to. The beauty of adult sports is that nobody is telling you to do anything but you.

As to whether DH is jealous, I don't think so. Not in a romantic way at least. He's just one of those people who thinks passion for something is embarrassing and success is only measured by financial benefit. He's honestly not normally a twat, but he is when it comes to this.

@BubblyBarbara totally. The cheek calling me a zealot, but I didn't get my splits from casually doing some stretching once a week for a laugh. He needs to shut his mouth, especially since he spends six hours a week in the gym. The more I think about it the more it pisses me off.

I think it’s great that you have a passion outside work and family life. I’d love to have that kind of drive to achieve.

You H sounds like an arsehole tbh. So nasty and underhand to insinuate these things about adults in sport instead of addressing whatever problem he has with you directly

My daughter is 12 and does gymnastics. She’s not going to the Olympics either or even the British Championships, but she gets enjoyment, fitness, friends and a sense of achievement. She’s also part of a display team and has been all sorts of exciting places to perform at festivals.

I don’t see the difference in the logic between 12 and 43 myself.

@TheForgetfulCat yeah, it's strange. Of course my DH is extreme, but I do think that there is a bit of an attitude that organised sport is something for children, and that it's something you are supposed to 'grow out of' as you get older. People are a bit more open minded if you go back to a sport you did as a child, but start as a novice adult and you get some colourful reactions, and not just from my twatty OH.