Outdated and racist comments telephone befriendee

[Redolent]

Last year I signed up to become a befriender with a charity for older people. I was ‘allocated‘ a 72 year old woman, and we get along quite well - our meet-ups used to consist of an hour long visit, tea and a chat every fortnight. Things have obviously moved to speaking over phone during lockdown.

Our conversations are on the whole cordial and friendly, but she does come out with so many comments that are presumptuous but that I don’t feel I have the space to contest. Rebuking me for on-demand breastfeeding at 6 weeks old (“you’re the boss, she’s the baby!” - she used to be a nurse in the 80s). Telling me off when I told her I’d gone out with friends for a meal and left dd with my husband (“you should be getting a babysitter and doing things together instead of you gallivanting on your own!’) And other comments too which I’ve felt to be racially offensive - asking a couple of times if my husband was upset that we were having a girl (because that’s what people from ‘your culture’ do), and then a few days ago, speaking about crime in the area, saying that people from my community were basically ‘all crooks’!! Her expression.

She’s lonely and has multiple health conditions and I know she really appreciates our calls. For the most part, I like them too. But I just feel like I can’t contest her views for some reason...that I’m there as a listening voice, to keep her company and that’s it. Is that fair, in my role as a volunteer? I really don’t want to argue with her or have any tensions, but it’s galling to hear her speak sometimes. What would you do?

Arseholes become aged arseholes. She doesn't deserve you.

@RuffleCrow

You just need to stay neutral. Maybe the occasional "really?! I don't think of it in that way" and then change the subject. At the end of the day you're there to do a job, not turn her woke or get into an argument. Have you ever heard of Unconditional Positive Regard? Maybe read up on it as i believe it's something professionals employ so that they can work with people who are far worse than a bit racist/ old fashioned.

🤨 She's not there to be subject to racist comments either.

If racists etc aren’t challenged at all they can just assume you agree with them and they’re right—which is sometimes how they get to have such a fixed mindset. I think you’re doing an amazing thing for her but you also need to stand up for yourself. Moving to someone else is an option, but as you already have a relationship with her and it sounds as though she wants the interaction I would try just being honest. She might learn something.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "actually, I find that comment rather offensive". If she can't cope with you saying that, then presumably she's able to request a change of volunteer.

You've also got a chance to respond to things like "that's what people from your culture do" and educate her - some people are just genuinely ignorant. She may actually, in a very clumsy way, be trying to find out whether the stereotype she's heard about is actually in any way correct.

Your befriending could go a long way to gradually changing her opinions, but obviously don't carry on if it upsets you.

Absolutely you should quit or ask to change to a different person. No volunteer should have to put up with racism. And this is blatant - calling your community "crooks"! It's not just someone well-meaning but out of date on what words to use. The charity need to take responsibility for finding better matches.

It's great that you're doing a kind thing, but please don't feel that you should have to put up with this. I'm sure there are other elderly people who would love the support and never dream of behaving like this.

OP that sounds quite draining and her opinions sound needlessly judgemental.

I am a nurse and I have to say that being forced to look after countless people with awful views (often so proud of them), has helped me personally a lot.

In refusing to get drawn in and in learning to bat away very rude comments, I feel I've grown and it has fed into my relationship with other people as well. Hard to explain but I'm just much more skilled at stating my view without emotion.

Vulnerable and lonely people are still human, even if they're a bit bitter and mean. I would be willing to bet she looks up to you and holds you in high regard.

Only you know the balance. But if you can get something out of it too (lots of practice dealing with offensive views) and be a little light in her life then maybe the friendship is worthwhile. The world is full of difficult people and it'll never not be worth it to have good skills in disagreeing with them/turning the other cheek.

I should say though I'm only really offering this view after years and years of getting really quite worked up sometimes with difficult patients. I am not saying I think being a racist provocateur is fine.

I work for a charity for older people and have had these kind of comments regularly. I tend to challenge them, in a non aggressive way, but I do challenge them. They are still just people, and should have toxic viewpoints challenged regardless of their age.

No wonder she's lonely ffs. You have though, told her way too much about your own life. I'd tell the charity the issues and they can tell her that this no longer works for you , if you're too worried about telling her yourself.

I have been in a very similar situation. I am a telephone befriender and had been speaking to an older lady for quite some time. She made friends with a man who she later found out was gay and every phone call had to go on about how wrong it was. I just let her get on with it and changed the subject as soon as I was able to but after listening to it for several weeks it made me dread talking to her and i knew I had to let her know I wasn't OK with her comments. I simply said it makes no difference to him as a person and I didn't feel there was an issue with it but I didn't feel comfortable with her comments about it. She wasn't happy with my response and contacted the organiser to say she didn't want to use the service anymore. It was such a relief to know I wouldn't have to listen to her comments again. I've now been matched up to another lady who I'm much happier speaking to and look forward to our calls. I definitely wouldn't think twice about politely telling them I wasn't happy with their comments and didn't want to discuss it again and if it continued I would go to the organiser and tell them I didn't feel we were compatible.

@Mariola321 Well, don't you just sound like every other "yes, but..." apologist? Charming, I'm sure.

OP, I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. Absolutely contact your group for support and advice 💐

@RuffleCrow your post is absolutely disgraceful. How is expecting not to listen to racist comments trying to 'turn her woke'?! You honestly think there's nothing wrong with being 'a bit racist'? And that it's her 'job' to put up with it? I've seen a few ridiculous posts from you before but this has to be the worst one yet. And from someone who wanted to ban rainbows.

Some people have no filter and just say what they want to regardless of your feelings. This lady probably thinks you have got close enough for her to say what she wants and does not realise she is overstepping the mark, or thinks that because she is older, she can dish the advice out, and you will just take it.

She is from a different generation and is racist without realising how wrong it is to think like that, because she has always thought like that and you can't put her right now.

I think you should either get a thicker skin or let someone else take over.

I befriended an elderly lady during the early weeks of the pandemic and phoned her for a chat every few days. One day another voice answered and claimed to be her"daughter". She was quite abusive and accused me of meddling in her mothers life, despite my explaining that I had been given her name by a local charity. She said well Im here now so you dont need to call again. I asked to speak to her mother to confirm that this was her wish, and she hung up on me.

Not knowing what to do I called the charity who advised me not to call again until they had sent a volunteer to investigate. Subsequently they told me that they could not go into details for "reasons of confidentiality" but that social services were now involved. I was instructed not to call back.

I never found out what the situation was and of course I respected the instructions I was given. Sometimes when the unexpected happens you have to accept that you might have to bow out. I would contact the charity and see what they advise. They have far more experience in dealing with the unexpected.

I think that you might have to expect these kinds of conversations from some of the older generation, they simply don't view modern ways of life in the same way as younger people, and are usually very set in their ways. If you get annoyed or offended at all, then you should not visit this person, as she will always have her old fashioned sayings and ways.

I think your being a bit over sensitive try and focus on subjective issues rather than personal. From what you have said she is not being racist on purpose.

I cannot believe this thread! She's not being racist "on purpose" so it's fine? No such thing as that! The lady is simply "a bit old fashioned"? OP is "over sensitive"?!

Is the old lady on this thread with multiple name changers? Or maybe Donald T has logged in again.

Ask to change people or quit asap OP.

Situation changes. Maybe in 10 years you're bad person if not want to change in gym showers with a man. 🤷‍♀️ Even now womens toilets cancelled and many people angry if you complain saying hate speech etc.

Thing is, as time goes on, being born in a different time when "attitudes were different" can't be an excuse anymore. The women is only 72, that means she was 52 in 2000. Hardly the dark ages.

Rufflecrow, as a black person, I resent this. We have done that for generations and what has it benefit us? We can't excuse generational racism because that's how it gets passed on. Am horrified quite frankly with answers that border on shut up and take it. Like a "good" Bame right. No! And 72 is not that old. Challenge her but also request a switch or volunteer for something else. This kind of thing corrodes us. We cannot continue to be sacrificial lambs. No one or let's say few (deranged) people would say give unconditional positive regard to a rapist as they repeatedly rape you would they?

I'm a nurse and we often have to listen to people's opinions like this. Usually if it's just a little controversial I let it pass but the worst part is when they try and get you to agree with the way they think. Early Brexit was a terrible time as they would ask your opinion then rant about people stealing jobs when they clearly had only gained their information from one particularly bias source. Most of the time I remain entirely neutral and avoid getting drawn in to the subject but if the conversation is becoming one I do not want to be involved in I make it very clear that is enough. I guess it's different for us as we are there to do a job that they cannot do themselves so they have to toe the line. I know care workers receive so much abuse like this but in a strange way if the carer is able to make it clear from early on that they will not tolerate racism the client often in a weird way ends up respecting them.

Please remember that whilst this is such an important job you are volunteering and if you are firm and it doesnt go well you can hang up the phone and never speak to her again. If it is stressing you out when you obviously have a young baby and everything going on then look after yourself first and ask for another client who will appreciate your help more.

Also...what you guys do is amazing, so glad such a service exists.

I'm not saying shut up and take it. I'm saying this role is about befriending lonely old people. Some people are lonely because they're obnoxious. Others through no fault of their own. Dividing them into 'deserving' and 'undeserving' lonely people is a bit Tory for me. Especially when there are murderers and paedophiles who still get regular visits from professionals in similar roles.

I'm saying this role is about befriending lonely old people.

And perhaps it would be more appropriate for her to have a befriender that actually enjoys talking to her? Otherwise isn't it just paying lip service to the point of be"friend"ing?

72 may seem old to you but I'm 66 so she is a similar age to many of my friends. Don't dismiss these comments because "she's old". None of my friends hold these views or would make such comments. She's just rude and thoughtless, you shouldn't put up with it. Talk to the volunteer supervisor and ask to be matched with someone else. Having a few more years under your belt doesn't give anyone carte blanche to be totally offensive.