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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think friendships are an important factor in school choice?

32 replies

Griseldathedeep · 03/10/2020 18:00

DD will go to secondary school next year - she has previously struggled with school and friendships in particular, and has had to change schools during primary (not due to friendships). She's now at the stage where she has a lovely group of friends at current school. We're choosing between two schools - one better on paper, better ofsted etc, but one closer and where all her friends will likely be going.

I've read on MN many times that friends shouldn't be a main deciding factor, but AIBU to think this can have a huge impact on happiness (especially when starting at a new and unfamiliar place)? I had good friends when I started secondary and, although I also made new ones, it gave me confidence to know they were there.

OP posts:

NiceandCalm · 03/10/2020 18:08

I'm 50/50 on this. I would have agreed with you until my DS got put in a different school to his friends. He has ASD too so making friends wasn't always easy. He is now doing really well and has made new friends already. Unless there is a huge difference in Ofsted reports then I'd go with the one her friends are going to AND it's closer.

picosandsancerre · 03/10/2020 18:10

We live in an area where a mixture of DC go to grammar , private and a few to the local state secondary. My DS went to a school and new no one. However that was the case for most of the boys so hasn't had an impact on him. Friendships change when DC go to secondary so it wasn't a decider for me

user1493413286 · 03/10/2020 18:13

I think so; my DSD has really struggled in a “better” school where she had no friends. Unless the closer one was awful then I’d go with that.

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/10/2020 18:13

Actually I think its better to go somewhere no one knows you.

Trying to maintain old friendships whilst making new is hard work. Especially if kids take the piss out of what you did in yr 3 as a way in with new friends

Dd1 really benefited from the new start

altiara · 03/10/2020 18:15

Depends on the child as well as the school options. I would definitely consider it, but not necessarily make the decision based on it. Also are any of her friends trying for the other school?

TW2013 · 03/10/2020 18:15

Some children reinvent themselves at secondary school and existing friendships rejected so there is no guarantee that the friendship group will survive.

HandfulofDust · 03/10/2020 18:15

If the DC has no social issues then i would assume they're likely to make friends in any decent secondary so existing friendships wouldn't be an issue. I would factor in future friendships though - for example I eoukd avoid a school where 90% are boarders when my DC wouldn't be as it might make friendships harder. Id also consider it a disadvantage if kids travel far and wide to get to a school as they may end up with no local friends.

I think I'd only consider maintaining existing friendships in secondary school choice if I had major concerns about the DC settling on to school OK. In that case having done established friendships might help. I agree with you that having friends is definitely important for kids.

Thelnebriati · 03/10/2020 18:16

If she goes to the closer one, can you get her a tutor if she falls behind in a corer subject? That way she wont miss out on either a social life or her education.

secular89 · 03/10/2020 18:18

No! Life is about moving on. I went to the same secondary school with my best friends from primary... within 5 months we were all in our own friendship groups and barely acknowledged each other (said my).

Toomanycats99 · 03/10/2020 18:20

My daughter went to a secondary with no one from her primary.

She didn't seem to mind - think she viewed it as a chance foe a fresh start.

She still has a core group from primary she sees regularly out of school.

I like the fact she has friends in different places not all focused around school.

How would she fee if she went to school with existing friends and they moved on and made new friends - would she feel left out / rejected?

BertieBotts · 03/10/2020 18:21

The problem is that a couple of months into y7 all previous friendships have reshuffled anyway. And if it's the wrong school that is potentially 5-7 years of a worse experience just for the sake of six weeks!

It helps with the initial transition to school and the anxiety they feel about starting a new school over the holidays.

But if the new school is any good they will do ice breaker style activities with all the kids in the first few days which really helps them start to form new bonds.

We moved DS1 away from his friends. It was the best decision we could have made. I also feel his friendships at this school are more solid and deep than the friendships he had at primary level. Thanks to online gaming he is still in touch with a couple from the old school anyway.

rooty123 · 03/10/2020 18:26

We went for friends. For my dc, friendly faces in the early days and good pastoral care were more important than results. History of school refusal at primary nd start of yr7 was still wobbly but has found feet with new and old friends. Obviously this is not the case for all children, you know your child best. We might pick a different school for youngest.

2bazookas · 03/10/2020 18:40

Even if her friends get places at the same school, if its a big one they may not be put in the same class.

] I hope you have obtained and read the most recent Ofstead reports on both schools. For your DD, pay attention to the sections on their pastoral care, pupils social behaviour etc,

AngelSings · 03/10/2020 18:42

How about letting her decide which school to go to? She has to be happy there for the next 5 years. That's what we did with our son who had 2 school to choose from. Friends didn't factor into his decision at all because he felt clearly drawn to one of the schools after visiting both.

DonaldTrumpsChopper · 03/10/2020 18:47

Depends entirely on the child.

We have three decent local schools that my dcs had a choice between (part selective, they both passed the selective bit). A, B, and C in order of results and local parent opinion.

DS1 chose school C, because his best friends were going there. He's now year 12, fantastic GCSEs (such as they were), and still close to his original friends, as well as new friends.

DS2 chose A, didn't know anyone, but friendships were never the driving factor for him.

DS1 would have seriously struggled in a school where he knew no one.

Iola4 · 03/10/2020 18:57

I recently moved so I was faced with do I make a trek to keep friendships going or let them start anew earlier?...I moved them.
Well it turned out my eldest DC best friend is moving soon anyway so that means my DC wouldn't have had their best friend at the old school.

1Morewineplease · 03/10/2020 19:09

We live in a county where the 11+ is part of the school system.
When the children are in year 6 , friendships quickly change when results/school choices are known.

Original poster

Griseldathedeep · 03/10/2020 19:12

Thanks for the replies - in answer to PP question, DC is keen to go to the local school - with her friends! Harder with Covid to look around - we will do virtual tours of both, but not expecting anything to change based on that.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 03/10/2020 19:16

Nope dont think so. Even when kids go up together they make new friends, move to new friend groups, often in different classes

Modestandatinybitsexy · 03/10/2020 19:18

I went to a different school to 9/10 of my friends, I struggled while my one friend didn't but she knew other people. I finally had a group by yr9 but it was a long time to feel lonely.

I think my parents would agree with many of the "it doesn't do any harm" brigade but I think my life could be really different. I could have some lasting friendships or met people who didn't screw me over when we left school.

I think other factors can play into it. Both schools were out of my village and the friends I finally made all lived long drives away, the other school was on the main bus route so I would have been able to form relationships independent from my unwilling taxi rides.

I reconnected with a few of my primary friends at sixth form but they had new friendship groups by then.

HelplessProcrastinator · 03/10/2020 19:19

We are in exactly the same position. School close to home that her primary feeds in to is slightly above average for the city and up and coming with a fantastic new head. Lots of extracurricular opportunities in music and dance as well. They were able to provide a private tour last week and DD loved it. But her sister is in the most popular school in the area with amazing progress 8 score. She knew no one and only ended up there as they were able to support her ASD (she has an EHCP). She has made loads of friends abs couldn’t be happier. DD2 would probably get a sibling place abs many would consider us mad not to make it first choice. DD2 is having none of it as she wants the local school. I’m really on the fence here.

blackcat86 · 03/10/2020 19:24

No. Friendships change so much in that first year and children tend to find that they don't have classes with their friends so naturally new friendship groups form. DSS is out of school now but at secondary age he was allowed to chose his school by his mum and chose an awful school. Bad reputation, not the best academically, not the closest or even particularly convenient but because 1 particular friend went. His mum didn't seem to want to talk to him about his choice but of course him and the friend fell out within 6 months. I personally would have thought it would be better to have helped him think about what he likes/dislikes, see a few schools (even virtually) and check out grades.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 03/10/2020 19:25

It really can go either way though, a friend from primary school can bugger off with a new crowd and suddenly you have a heartbroken child in an unsuitable school.

WanderingMilly · 03/10/2020 19:33

I used to think a school should be chosen with academics in mind, and years ago I dragged my daughter round a load of possible secondary schools to look at. I wasn't keen on her going to the local even though she wanted to go, to be with all her friends.

After a huge discussion, I let her make the choice and she chose her friends....she was wiser than I was. She did well at the school but in later years began to have some mental health problems - totally unforeseen - and they have continued into adulthood. Her close group of friends has stuck with her throughout it all and well beyond school days they are still there for her, and look after her when she's down.

I now think perhaps friendships need to be the deciding factor if that's what the child wants.

Proudling · 03/10/2020 19:39

Moving with existing friends does help take the nerves off.

However within weeks they’ll have swapped groups and made whole new friendships.

So yes moving with friends helps but but only from a nerves point of view - those friendships rarely then stick. Fickle creatures at that age.

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