To be incapable of being not even a 'half time' mum

[SlB09]

Hi, I am currently feeling really really guilty and like I'm an utterly terrible parent but I'd quite happily be an 'evenings and weekend' parent. I love my child wholeheartedly, they truly are my world but I honestly struggle with the oppressiveness of parenting and love going to work (I work part time). I used to think everyone was like this to a lesser or greater degree but now I'm not so sure. Friends are having second children and thinking about third and I can't help but feel inadequate. Does anyone else feel like this? Child is 3 x

I understand - I have never really enjoyed the day to day parenting stuff - buy you will be a weekend and evening parent soon enough - they grow fast - now mine are teens I am basically a taxi driver - but I do enjoy them much much more

But! sorry

Being a parent is hard work and when when you are at work that doesn't switch off so don't be so hard on yourself.

From my own experience and reading a range of posts on here we all find different stages easier and harder than each other, you may find this stage especially challenging but that doesn't stop you being a good parent.

They do get more independent. Right now (age 3) you have to give them your full attention unless they are asleep. I think everyone gets parent fatigue. But don’t worry, gradually you will find they can play by themselves without constant supervision and they become a lot more fun to be around. I found those young years very tiring, but school age was a true joy.

Yes, I have an only and I love her. She’s 9. She’s an only because after having one I didn’t want another. I work full time and she is normally at her Dads one evening a week and EOW and that’s perfect. He fucked off 6 weeks ago and we haven’t seen him since and I’m finding full time parenting hard. She’s off for a sleepover at my sisters tonight and I’m excited.... Chinese takeaway, a movie and an early night without having to do bedtime, read a story, tidy the bathroom etc...

3 is a particularly tricky age, wanting independence, clingy, quite capable of doing things on their own, usually things you don't want them to do.
Ive a newborn and a 3 year old. the newborn is very easy to look after, my 3 year old is great company but hard work.

All that means is you couldn't be a SAHM. I couldn't either. I love my kids, but 24/7 would break me.

I also send them to crèche on my days off.

Well we pay for the place whether they're there or not, but still - I imagine some Mums would be horrified by my not choosing to have them with me if I'm there!

But those mornings are amazing for my mental health. Even if its just going to Aldi alone!

That's ok, unrelated to me feeling like this I split with my exH (he was a twat) and now I see it as a benefit as I get child free time. I'm a better parent for it not being relentless. It's ok to not love everything about parenting. I work hard and provide very well, I love my kids to bits but I love my days off and my life.

The fact that not everyone feels this way doesn't mean you're not normal OP. We're all different - there's no right or wrong here. You just have to find the arrangement that works best for you and your family. No one tells a man who works full time that means he doesn't really love his children.

Understandable!

If you want to the weekday parenting, or your childcare is good, why not work 4 days or FT?

It also suggests you like your job, which is great!

I disliked mine at 3 days, 4 days, and experienced discrimination when PT, so applied elsewhere and moved to FT, much, much better workwise and manageable at home too.

Oh bless you. YANBU at all. My DD is only 2 but I definitely sympathise and sometimes I do feel like you. I work 4 days a week and now she's this age I do wish I could drop a day or two to spend more time with her, but work won't let me and tbh during lockdown etc I don't think I'd want to because I don't drive and with all the restrictions etc over winter it would be so hard to entertain her. I'm a much better and happier parent the more we get out and about and she is a much happier child for it. However when she was a baby I really really struggled and felt so much better when I went back to work compared to being on mat leave. We are planning to start TTC soon but last time I took 9 months leave as DH wasn't eligible for SPL and we couldn't afford for me to take more anyway, but our plan is that I will only take 6 months leave second time round and then he will take 3-6 months SPL depending on finances. I think a shorter mat leave will suit me.

Thankyou everyone, your comments definately have made me feel a little less anxious about it all and some solidarity. I don't want to work full time just to clarify, I worked part time pre child due to health issues (minor but enough to benefit from PT working)

Three is a really challenging age. I loved all my boys at that age but I can’t deny it was sometimes a relief to send them to nursery.

It does get better. Just wait till he starts school and tells you funny little stories from his day.

I have 3 (including a 3yo so I know how you feel!) and I couldn't be with them 24/7. I love them to bits and hugely enjoy their company, but we definitely benefit from spending time doing our own thing (me at work, them at nursery).

I have a 2 year old and I work 5 days a week. I recently had to take a week off work as the childminder went on holiday and I was beside myself. 7 days in a row with my toddler?! Jesus, I wanted to give him away by the end of it. I felt terrible, he is absolutely the best person I know and I adore him beyond words. But I just can't do it all the time, and I know a few other mums who feel exactly the same. I'm a better mum because I'm not with him 24/7. I understand OP.

@Honeybobbin sorry I was just using a turn of phrase - absolutely your never off duty and I dodntean any disrespect by it

Why do you only work part time? Get a full-time job.

oops posted too soon - but if you want to be an evening/weekend parent, do it! Plenty of women with children younger than 3 do, whether by choice or by necessity.

I’m a sahm, but I totally get where you’re coming from. I love my children dearly, but they’re very full on and on bad days like today it can be such an overload!

I love them so very much, but I don’t think I’m cut out for being a sahm. Part time work sounds like the dream, but I’d like full time too! I’ve DTs though so we’d be worse off financially if I went back to work although the 30 hours funding will kick in in a few months so we’ll see!

Mine went to nursery from four and five months of age respectively for three days a week and I went (financially unnecessarily) back to work. Those three days were my favourite of the week for a long time.
They're teens now and it's a doddle.

Mine were with a childminder nearly 12 hours a day from a few months old till the youngest was about 4 (when DH was made redundant and took over). Hasn't had any ill effects that we can see - they turned into decent adults.

Obviously you "miss their firsts" - first steps, first words, etc. But at this distance in time I can't remember anything about any of their firsts - whether I saw them or not, or what it was like to see them.

Don't feel bad at all. I would be mostly happy with this too. AND millions of fathers think it is just fine also. You deserve to be happy too.