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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving 12 and 9 yo in house late at night...

63 replies

oldrosie · 02/10/2020 23:20

Am I being unreasonable to be angry at husband for leaving our 12 and 9 year old at home alone until 10.30pm ?

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 03/10/2020 02:17

I think I was left alone with my sister when we were similar ages but things have changed now.

I think that if you haven't left them before this is DEFINITELY something that he should have discussed with you rather than just doing it.

Audreyseyebrows · 03/10/2020 02:19

How long for?
Where did he go? Big difference between pub or picking up a prescription for example.
Were they awake?

SD1978 · 03/10/2020 03:17

Would need a bit more information. Theoretically- no problem. Did you know he would be doing so? What were the circumstances, how long for, were the kids aware and happy, was it an emergency. Need a lot more context for an answer.

LadyLoungeALot · 03/10/2020 05:05

Why did he leave them? If it was an emergency- eg he took a third child to A+E- then not unreasonable.
If he just decided to nip out for a jolly, quite unreasonable.

Zoflorabore · 03/10/2020 05:09

You say “until” op. Had he left them for a considerable amount of time?

More information is needed to make a proper judgement. My youngest is 9 and very sensible and my eldest is 17 so obviously I could leave them if necessary but that doesn’t mean mine would be safer than yours. Mine don’t get on well and I would worry if it was for too long.

RepeatSwan · 03/10/2020 05:15

To me it sounds wrong, but I would struggle to judge a parent leaving them for work. But the pub is a different matter.

I have strong views on this as we were left a lot as kids. My parents will tell you we were fine

RepeatSwan · 03/10/2020 05:16

Also husband and siblings were left a lot as kids. His parents would also tell you they were fine

CodenameVillanelle · 03/10/2020 05:17

My 12 year old is fine being left at home but not in the evening as he gets scared. Maybe he wouldn't if there was a younger child with him but I don't think 12 year olds should be responsible for younger children for long periods of time. What was the context?

seayork2020 · 03/10/2020 05:20

Coming in rolling home drunk - not on

a family member rang and there was an emergency so a one off - ok

whirlwindwallaby · 03/10/2020 06:03

Late grocery shop for an hour? Or at the pub for a few hours? I wouldn't leave a 9 year old for more than two hours, and it's a bit late for either age, especially this time of year.

custardbear · 03/10/2020 06:51

I don't even pop to the shops in the day and leave my 12 year old in charge of my 8.5 year old child - on her own id leave her for a bit but not looking after a much younger sibling and not that late either

whirlwindwallaby · 03/10/2020 07:26

The OP didn't mention if one was in charge of the other. I don't think I would have a child babysit another until the eldest was 14. I was considering the two left separately, as in I would only leave a 9 and 12 year old if I would leave the 9 year old alone. I would only count the 12 year old being there for companionship.

Oncemorewithfeelin · 03/10/2020 07:29

I agree with the others.
Depends how long they were left for.
Depends on the maturity of the children.
Did they know they were being left.
Do they know what to do in case of an emergency.

If they have been left all day until 10.30pm then that is unreasonable.

If they were left for half an hour then that is not unreasonable ( unless of other undisclosed factors)

Toontown · 03/10/2020 07:33

It depends on the kids. I leave my 13 and 10 alone sometimes til about 10 and they are perfectly happy. But they are quite mature, independent kids. The 10 year old is very into doing stuff on her own: walking to school from aged 8, getting herself to activities, cooking dinner etc. She does stil like a bedtime story though and needs teeth brushing reminders but her brother likes reading to her. Any emergencies we have great neighbours and they each have a mobile.

LakieLady · 03/10/2020 07:36

I think it entirely depends on the child.

Some of my nieces and nephews would have been fine to keep an eye on a 9 year old at 12, but some of the others were far too immature. And one I'd be reluctant to leave home alone at 22!

And my friend's daughters could never be left home alone together as kids, they hated each other and would fight like crazy. (They're fine now, and get along really well)

GenericFemalePal · 03/10/2020 07:36

I would in emergency, but my two get on well and the oldest is sensible and reliable. Not otherwise - it’s too much responsibility for a 12yo to be in charge of bedtime routine, teeth, washing etc for a 9yo, and while she could it doesn’t feel fair.

Mummadeeze · 03/10/2020 07:37

I don’t think it is fair to give that kind of responsibility to the 12 year old. They are too young to be in charge of a 9 year old who I wouldn’t leave alone. So no, not okay in my opinion.

getsomehelp · 03/10/2020 08:13

I was sent to boarding school at 10 yrs old, so remember clearly being that age & not needing a babysitter.
But it may have been different if I was with my B, as we fought, & he was a horrid kid !
So iIMHO they should have been fine for a short time.
Was the man in the pub all this time ?

RepeatSwan · 03/10/2020 08:22

@getsomehelp I think children who go to boarding school have had a niche experience though, they are used to being away from their parents whether they like it or not.

getsomehelp · 03/10/2020 08:25

or, just learn to do as they are told....

FlatandFabulous · 03/10/2020 08:28

At 13 my DS1 started babysitting his siblings ages 8 and 3. To start with we would be 10-15 minutes away and home by 10, we went further over time. 13 is the suggested RSPCC minimum age to babysit (and as I lawyer I totally understand the legalities around this).

Obviously so much depends on your children and what was agreed but I can't see it as being outrageous.

AugieMarch · 03/10/2020 08:29

Depends on circumstances but I’d have thought they were safer at home with doors locked than walking to school or catching a bus/train which I imagine the 12 year old does sometimes. Not ideal and not something I’d do unless an emergency but I don’t think it’s the end of the world.

Angelina82 · 03/10/2020 08:31

It depends on the maturity of the kids, if they were happy to be left and also your husband’s reason for leaving them.

Roowig2020 · 03/10/2020 08:54

Those ages, and if they were responsible then yes that would be fine With me.

Blimeyoreilly2020 · 03/10/2020 09:39

As others have said - depends on age, maturity, how long they were left for and how far away your dh was. Without that info it’s impossible to say whether it was an unreasonable action or not!!

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