Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my mums comment

73 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 02/10/2020 21:23

My mum had my daughter over night for the first time last night. She is 3, she has never had her over night and I want to be clear at this point she offered to have her this was not a case of me asking. Anyway she brought her back today and mentioned that she’s really stroppy which I agree with but surely that’s normal for a 3 year old Hmm anyway she was telling me this then went “oh she’s horrible” then as soon as she realised she said it she quickly changed what she said but she definitely used the word horrible, I was really shocked so didn’t say anything but now I’m thinking about it after and I find it really off that she said that! Obviously I won’t be doing any more over nights but just wondered if I was BU to find the comment upsetting

OP posts:
justasking111 · 02/10/2020 22:21

Three grand kids 3 years old. Yep they can be horrible really hard work. But then they put their arms around you and you melt. See how your mum reflects on the visit she was probably jiggered when she returned her.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/10/2020 22:21

No she said “she is horrible” no doubts about that

OP posts:
BackforGood · 02/10/2020 22:23

There’s a difference between saying someone has been horrible and that they are horrible IMO

Yes, if you were writing some sort of formal document or report, then you are right. They are different but most of us just relax and say words that come into our heads when we are chatting to family members, rather than carefully wording things after giving due consideration to each sentence.

RedMarauder · 02/10/2020 22:23

If you have been NC for years and you have good reasons for it, why would you allow her to care for your child? She isn't going to change.

RaisinGhost · 02/10/2020 22:29

This would upset me as well. It's just a bit of a rude thing to say if you are outside the immediate family. My DH or I may say to each other "she was horrible today" after a long day. But I'd expect my parents to say "she was a bit grumpy" or similar.

My mum says my dc is "smug" which I find really grating. He's not some rude teen, he's one!

ODFOx · 02/10/2020 22:33

It may be humour. I refer to my youngest as 'the horrid teen' but although horrid she's much loved.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/10/2020 22:33

I think this idea that the semantic difference between "she is horrible" and "she behaved horribly" is intended by regular people when they use those phrases in everyday speech is pretty unreasonable and is used as a bit of cudgel to make people dance a particular way.

Having said that, if you've had concerns over your mum, which being NC might suggest, I think it's reasonable to be particularly cautions and sensitive.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 02/10/2020 22:34

Why on earth would you be letting a 3 year old stay alone with a person you went NC with for years ... and have only been in touch with again for 6 months.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/10/2020 22:38

Like I said don’t want to go into the reasons for it as I don’t need my life pulled apart and scrutinised on AIBU she’s not a danger to my child I know she wouldn’t hurt her and the reasons for it were very complicated and I don’t really want to discuss them.

OP posts:
SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 22:49

she’s really stroppy which I agree with but surely that’s normal for a 3 year old

there's a debate to have right here...

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/10/2020 22:51

Well the phrase threeanger doesn’t come from nowhere, I get people really want to say my daughter was awfully behaved and most 3 year olds are little angels Hmm

OP posts:
burglarbettybaby · 02/10/2020 22:57

I understanfd with back story- you kmow best how to feel. Just keep visits short from now on.

SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 23:01

Givemeabreak88

ahem... no actually. I have never heard of "threenager" sorry, but let's not pretend all 3 year old are little angels or little horrors - but extreme exist. We all have had that One child that is so badly behaved that you never invite him in your home ever again.

When parents play the "bad behaviour is normal for a 3 year old" , you can usually brace yourself.

Without more details, it's impossible to know if your child was playing up a bit, being excited or anxious about her first sleepover without her parents, or an actual horror destroying the place or misbehaving spectacularly!

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/10/2020 23:06

Oh I thought threenager and terrible twos were common phrases maybe not, no she wasn’t smashing the place up my mum was describing how she will go in a mood with you for no reason (which is true) fold her arms and looks cross, she does it randomly Sometimes for no reason Or no clear reason (she probably has her own reason) She will also make a growling sound when she’s cross which my mum mentioned that’s when she said oh she’s horrible...

OP posts:
SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 23:17

that doesn't sound like a difficult child I give you that!

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/10/2020 23:39

I've heard threenager quite a lot and found it quite appropriate. I don't think it's particularly bad behaviour, just developmentally appropriate and sometimes exasperating.

Anordinarymum · 02/10/2020 23:47

My two year old grandchild is dreadful :) He is also horrible and nasty to my pets and smelly and I adore him

Coyoacan · 03/10/2020 00:25

she’s really stroppy which I agree with but surely that’s normal for a 3 year old

Whatever her behaviour is with you (good or bad), she will not behave the same with someone else, especially if it is the first time she has slept at their place.

Notyoungbutscrappyandhungry · 03/10/2020 00:27

I'd be really v v upset too. Someone upthread said that of course your parents unconditionally love you/their gc so it's different to say a childminder, but not all on us had unconditional love as kids. There's a whole lot of conditionally loved adult children and I wonder if maybe that's the crux of it. Personally I wouldn't let her sleep round again.

Ceebs85 · 03/10/2020 00:40

My children's nana (MIL) has a very rose tinted view of the children 'oh they always behave perfectly for me' when we say anything negative or comment on the usual toddler behaviour.

She only really saw it when she started having them for longer periods. I wouldn't over-think it or be offended by it. Toddler behaviour can feel horrible to manage!

RainbowMum11 · 03/10/2020 00:50

If my 7y is being horrible, I will tell her, and always have done - if they aren't challenged with not-nice behaviour then how do we all learn?

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 03/10/2020 01:00

It’s not bad behaviour she was commenting on the fact she is miserable, stroppy grumpy whatever you want to call it

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 03/10/2020 01:02

She’s not like it all the time of course but some times she will go in a funny mood for no obvious reason, she’s 3! Anyway I won’t do over nights again but of course I’m not stopping her seeing her over it but the over nights are unnecessary anyway! It was her asking to have her.

OP posts:
JunkCrumpet · 03/10/2020 01:33

It really depends HOW it was said. I would frequently call my son "nightmare child" "horrible" "chaos causer" "tornado" "awful" "bonkers" "broken" etc. I've even been known to call him a "tiny arsehole". But they're said in jest and out of his earshot. I love him to pieces and he's actually very good.
It sounds like your daughter was horrible - and I don't agree that all three year olds are stroppy (especially when they're with other people). This really might be something you need to address.

Sarahpaula · 03/10/2020 01:47

I think it is very normal to say that. I have said that my six year old cousin is horrible, loads of times. I still care about her, but she can be so badly behaved