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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my midwife(s)

38 replies

FinalDecision1 · 01/10/2020 17:33

To stop asking me to let her know my final decision re breastfeeding when I've told her my decision numerous times...

For a long list of reasons I won't go into here, I have a lot of various antenatal and midwife appointments.

When asked, I have said I do not plan on breastfeeding and I have explained my reasons why numerous times. Yet every time I go I am asked if I've read X Y or Z leaflet yet.... 'well do have a read up and you can let me know your final decision later' or told 'well... Have a think first' etc... or things along those lines. Every time it makes me feel like my decision just isn't being respected or that they think I just don't know enough and I'll change my mind.

AIBU next time to say 'I can let you know my final decision right now. It's the same as it was last time you asked, I am not breastfeeding. Please don't ask me again'.

OP posts:
SheilaWilcox · 01/10/2020 17:41

YANBU but I'd get used to midwives saying stupid things if I were you!
I only hope the profession has got more professional since I had my DD 10yrs ago as I never saw the same one twice and the out of date or just plain weird things they said shocked me. Thankfully the ones in the delivery suite were much better.

Lockdownseperation · 01/10/2020 17:42

Yanbu. If they are anything like my community midwife they will just have forgotten who you are and your decision.

Original poster
FinalDecision1 · 01/10/2020 17:44

I usually do see the same lady (only the odd time I've had someone else) because I have a blood condition so I'm in a lot for monitoring and this particular midwife specialises in this area.

However, she goes through my notes every time (fine) but there is literally a note on there about me not breastfeeding and she goes over it and asks every time and says the above.

Like please stop asking. It's written down in my notes that you are reading that I've said I do not want to breastfeed. I am capable of reading the leaflets I was given by myself and coming to that decision. I've made that decision now so drop it for goodness sake. I don't need to have a think about it!!!

OP posts:
Thebig3 · 01/10/2020 17:46

With my first i found the best thing to say was "I'm going to give it a go and see what happens" then when she was born I said I wanted to bottlefeed and no one questioned it. I think they have to push breastfeeding, regardless of whether you have made the decision or not.

Letmegetthisrightasawoman · 01/10/2020 17:46

I'd tell them that you have reached a decision and that you would like them to record on your notes that you do not intend to breastfeed and do not want the topic to be raised again. I say this as someone who was desperately disappointed not to be able to breastfeed BTW - they need to respect your choices!

Original poster
FinalDecision1 · 01/10/2020 17:46

@Lockdownseperation

Yanbu. If they are anything like my community midwife they will just have forgotten who you are and your decision.
Sorry should have specified. It's not a community midwife, I don't see them anymore. I was referred to a larger hospital to a midwife led clinic for blood disorders. I see the same lady 95% of the time every couple of weeks.
OP posts:
LynseyLou1982 · 01/10/2020 17:46

Nope not unreasonable at all. I'm 36 weeks and I get the same question myself. Nope still not going to change my mind, it's not going happen. I'm thinking of getting a t-shirt made and wearing it to my appointments/hospital.

Letmegetthisrightasawoman · 01/10/2020 17:48

Cross post. In that case, ask for an additional note saying you don't wish to discuss it again. You could also ask her to explain why she keeps asking. If you're not satisfied after this, complain.

Original poster
FinalDecision1 · 01/10/2020 17:51

@Letmegetthisrightasawoman

Cross post. In that case, ask for an additional note saying you don't wish to discuss it again. You could also ask her to explain why she keeps asking. If you're not satisfied after this, complain.
I think I will.

I hate confrontation so it takes a lot for me to say things in these situations but I do come away thinking they've treated me a bit like a child if that makes sense? Like 'aw she just doesn't get it' and if they keep pushing it I'll change my mind to the 'right way'.

OP posts:
Letmegetthisrightasawoman · 01/10/2020 17:56

Makes absolute sense! You'd probably be doing a lot of women a favour by raising it. And you absolutely deserve to get the care you need without being infantilised! Good luck!

strappedup · 01/10/2020 18:06

yanbu

Trousersareoverrated · 01/10/2020 18:32

It’s difficult for the midwife when you have made a decision To give your baby something that is not in the best interests of their health. That’s a fact and you know it otherwise you wouldn’t be so touchy about discussing it. Yes your decision but she wouldn’t be doing her job as a health professional if she wasn’t trying to talk you out of it.

GoldieBearRight · 01/10/2020 18:38

@Trousersareoverrated

It’s difficult for the midwife when you have made a decision To give your baby something that is not in the best interests of their health. That’s a fact and you know it otherwise you wouldn’t be so touchy about discussing it. Yes your decision but she wouldn’t be doing her job as a health professional if she wasn’t trying to talk you out of it.
🙄 I'm not here to debate breastfeeding vs formula feeding.

She's given me the information already, it doesn't need to be repeated and I'm a grown adult. I don't need talking out of a decision I have made about my own body thank you.

Badger2033 · 01/10/2020 18:40

YANBU - and that’s from me and my DS has been EBF for 10 months! I’ve actually just complained to my GP because I’m fed up of being asked ‘when will you stop’ what about work. It’s like I’ll stop when I don’t want to do it anymore or tbh more likely when DS doesn’t want to anymore! How does it affect them? Why do they care how my baby is fed? He’s thriving, is an appropriate height and weight, is in good health and had weaned well .... just want to tell them to MTOB! Anyway, yes it’s your choice and they should beak out but they won’t so just nod and smile and do what you want.

ChrisPrattsFace · 01/10/2020 18:44

It doesn’t need to be confrontational OP.
Next time she asks just say ‘I’m not planning on breastfeeding, I get asked every time so can we make sure it’s prominent in my notes’

Wfhwith3yearold · 01/10/2020 18:46

I breastfed my first and plan to breastfeed my second. Even I think YANBU. I think breastfeeding is a very difficult thing and everyones wishes as regards how they feed THEIR CHILD should be respected.

I have the whole breast is best verses fed is best crap. Informed is what is best, what ever you choose!

D4rwin · 01/10/2020 18:51

It's part of her job remit to encourage breastfeeding. YABU to expect her and the post natal midwives and doctors to not raise it with you.

Original poster
FinalDecision1 · 01/10/2020 18:51

Woops NC fail there, nevermind!

Thank you, you've made me feel more confident that I'm not unreasonable!

OP posts:
Original poster
FinalDecision1 · 01/10/2020 18:52

@D4rwin

It's part of her job remit to encourage breastfeeding. YABU to expect her and the post natal midwives and doctors to not raise it with you.
They've raised it with me. I've said thanks but no thanks (and explained my reasons why to them which I'm not going to do here because it's private). They don't need to continue.
OP posts:
ginandtonicformeplease · 01/10/2020 18:57

@Trousersareoverrated

It’s difficult for the midwife when you have made a decision To give your baby something that is not in the best interests of their health. That’s a fact and you know it otherwise you wouldn’t be so touchy about discussing it. Yes your decision but she wouldn’t be doing her job as a health professional if she wasn’t trying to talk you out of it.
Rubbish. When I had DD, I was told my a senior doctor that breastfeeding would be dangerous for her due to medication I take. So like a rational person I decided not to risk my baby's health. The midwife STILL tried to push breastfeeding, telling me it was still an option and my decision.

That was not a midwife wanting what was best for my baby, that was a midwife pushing her own agenda (and sadly not the only one).

IHateCoronavirus · 01/10/2020 19:06

You have your reasons so YANBU, but also it is part of her role to encourage breastfeeding . Next time, if she mentions it again, ask her if she wants you to sign something to prove you have had the conversation and you aren’t changing your mind. It might make her sit up and think.
Good luck with your baby.

Amrythings · 01/10/2020 19:08

I actually did breastfeed for over a year and had planned to do so and still felt so harassed by the constant badgering that I made a formal complaint to the Head of Maternity at my maternity unit.

Especially as they totally abandon you after you've had the bloody baby and are trying to breastfeed it!

If she does it again raise it with the senior midwife on duty. If she's hassling you she's doing it to someone more vulnerable as well.

Dinosaurpooped · 01/10/2020 19:10

Maybe it’s because of what’s going on in the world? Breastfeeding does produce antibodies to help protect babies from certain illnesses.
Not judging, just giving a reason why they might be more hot on encouraging it.

khofitabal · 01/10/2020 19:12

@Trousersareoverrated

It’s difficult for the midwife when you have made a decision To give your baby something that is not in the best interests of their health. That’s a fact and you know it otherwise you wouldn’t be so touchy about discussing it. Yes your decision but she wouldn’t be doing her job as a health professional if she wasn’t trying to talk you out of it.
It is not in the best interests of either mother or baby for a mother to be forced into breastfeeking against her will, or for the midwife to keep going on and on and on about it, when the mother has taken the decision already.

Not all women are able to breastfeed, you know. Some, like I did, find the whole idea utterly repulsive. Others have their own reasons, and the mother's choice has to come first.

Honeyandapple · 01/10/2020 19:15

I don't understand why it needs to be prearranged with midwife? After my babies were born I either had them on the boob or didn't. My youngest is 7months and no one questioned me on it at the hospital after birth or the subsequent MW home visit