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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal? **Trigger Warning Suicide**

29 replies

ColumbiaAGroupie · 01/10/2020 07:49

I'm aware that this probably isn't an AIBU post but I genuinely don't know where else to post this.

I found out a couple of days ago that someone I knew during my teenage years has commited suicide. We only met a couple of times and he would call me up every so often during this time, but honestly I didn't know him well at all. I hadn't spoken to him in a very, very long time (about 15 years) but I cannot stop thinking about it. The events of what happened keep going round and round in my head. Is this a normal way to feel about someone that I barely knew.

Please be kind

OP posts:
ExclamationPerfume · 01/10/2020 07:52

I would say it's not normal. My uncle committed suicide and it devastated our family. I would feel sad for someone I barely knew but I wouldn't keep thinking of them.

Mumdiva99 · 01/10/2020 07:54

Yes. I think so. Especially if it's the first time you've had to process the information of someone you know....no matter how briefly....doing this.

The first time and old friend did it was very shocking. (I also knew the brother and witnessed his anger).

The first time someone my age died of x....

The first time a mum at school died.....

Etc etc we are not grieving for the person the same way their loved ones are. We are processing the situation.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/10/2020 07:59

I’m sorry I’m not sure what you are asking. Do you mean is it normal you are thinking so much about someone you didn’t know very well?

If so, I think it is. There are some things like this that happen that can haunt your thoughts for a while. Sometimes it can be someone you don’t know at all even, like a news story or local incident that you hear about down the grapevine.

I can remember when Anton Yelchin died. I’d seen him in a few things but not particularly followed his work. It really haunted me how he died. I couldn’t stop picturing it for a few weeks, how it happened, how it played out, what it would have been like.

I think it’s is normal, however I am someone who gets suicidal at times so maybe my relationship with death is a little over invested.

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 01/10/2020 07:59

@Mumdiva99 I think that's what's happening here, I also know his brother - maybe that has something to do with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 01/10/2020 08:01

@MiddleClassProblem Yes, I was asking if it's "normal" to be affected by the death of someone that I didn't know very well. Thanks for your response.

OP posts:
contrmary · 01/10/2020 08:10

It's perfectly normal to feel confused and upset when someone commits suicide or has a sudden death. You don't know how to react because it's such a final and unexpected event. The fact you hadn't been close to the person for a long time means that in your head you probably imagine them as their teenage self still, and have little or know knowledge of what has been troubling them more recently.

I think it's the "half-known" aspect that causes your unease. If a bunch of complete strangers die in a third world country, I hesitate to say "I couldn't care less" but the impact on me would be much less than if a stranger was killed a couple of streets away from my home. It bothers me because I have knowledge of some of the circumstances but not all, so my brain tries to fill in the gaps.

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 01/10/2020 08:13

@contrmary i really appreciate your response. Thank you

OP posts:
SonjaMorgan · 01/10/2020 08:29

I still think about an old school friend who died a few years ago. I think it is the shock of someone dying in your age group, reminding you of your own mortality. Until that point death was for the older generations and the sick in my mind.

ChalkDinosaur · 01/10/2020 08:31

Yes I think it's normal, especially when the circumstances are so shocking. I think it's also hard when you feel confused about your feelings, and when you don't really have any information or people to talk about it with.

Bahhh · 01/10/2020 08:44

Yes it's normal op. I felt similarly when an ex boyfriend killed himself. I hadn't seen him in years, but he was my boyfriend briefly when we were teen-agers. I often have to go past the spot he killed himself and think of him often.

FTMF30 · 01/10/2020 08:51

I'd say it's normal. I met a lady (new member of staff) once at work on her first day. I spoke to her quite a bit on our break.
The next day she didn't turn up to work and it turned out she'd committed suicide. I couldn't stop thinking about it for a long while.

ScatteredMama82 · 01/10/2020 08:56

I think it's normal. A uni friend of my DH's killed himself a couple of years ago. It really affected my DH, even though you could count on one hand how often they had seen each other in the last decade. He still talks about it now. He took it really hard at the time, I was surprised by how much it affected him.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/10/2020 08:58

I think it is normal. What you are feeling js maybe less about the loss of the person and more about processing the idea of suicide and sudden death which are both pretty unsettling

Shedbuilder · 01/10/2020 09:02

Yes, it's normal to be affected in this way. The first time someone in your cohort dies can be a shocking wake up call. It's a reminder that we all die and we don't all make it to old age. We know it intellectually but knowing it emotionally is another thing. Suicide brings added complications and can stir up difficult stuff.

My parents have both died and so have close friends and relatives, so I'm no stranger to death and grieving, but I was knocked for six by David Bowie's death. I'd been a massive David Bowie fan in my teens and I was devastated. No one around me could understand why I was taking it so hard. I was walking a friend's dog every day during that period and would take it to an out-of-the-way place and walk and weep. Not really for Bowie, but for the teenage me who had loved him so much. It was real grief, as if I'd known him.

Do you think it would help to have a couple of counselling sessions with someone trained to listen, so that you can talk it through? Lots of counsellors are happy to work via Zoom or similar.

brushandmop · 01/10/2020 09:09

I think it's normal.

A parent at our school committed suicide. Knew them to say hello to and even now years later I think about them. It will affect everyone who knew them no matter how close/how long you knew them. I hope you are alright.

NW2SW · 01/10/2020 09:12

Yes it's normal, I lost a relatively new friend last year. Hadn't seen them for 6 months and we only saw each other as hoc before then. The sadness has stayed with me for a long time, I often feel pangs of loss out of nowhere. The loss of a life will always have an impact, especially when it's so unexpected.

At the funeral their lifelong best friend spoke to the room and said along the lines of "you may be wondering what you could have done, said or how you could have helped, but please don't as their mind was made up and this was not your fault" I think we all felt some relief from their words.

thisusernameismine · 01/10/2020 09:25

I felt the same way when my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend committed suicide. Me and him were really close friends before we got together, we have been split up for several years and I'm married with a child now but it still deeply affected me and in fact inspired me to apply for a Samaritans volunteer position.

dottiedodah · 01/10/2020 09:28

I think it would be normal yes .Suicide is such a shock to the family and friends and has far reaching consequences .A friend of mine whose friends son had killed himself, was shocked and dreadfully upset obv.I couldnt stop thinking about it even though I had never met him!

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 01/10/2020 09:35

Yes, it's normal to be processing something like this for a few days.

A friend of mine committed suicide this year and I spent a few weeks imagining what went before, how he decided, what he felt like...

It's mostly passed now but I do think it's all part of just parcelling it up in your mind.

Ansjovis · 01/10/2020 09:38

One of my neighbours died by suicide. He kept himself to himself so I don't think we ever spoke a word to each other and I couldn't tell you anything about his physical appearance. I had problems sleeping for quite some time afterwards. Part of that was because a family member was more personally impacted than I was (I wasn't home at the time but they were) and they needed to talk about it but even without that it's pretty confronting. I'd argue that it's more unusual if it doesn't affect you - the idea that someone would be in such a set of circumstances as to wholeheartedly believe that there was no hope for improvement is devastating and difficult for most people to wrap their head around. Even if I have absolutely no connection with the person I always feel sad for them that they were in that situation when I hear of someone dying by suicide.

Be kind to yourself and if anyone does suggest that you have no right to be feeling as you do I would tell them where to go.

YouokHun · 01/10/2020 09:39

I’d say that was very normal. I had a friend at school over 30 years ago who was so happy go lucky as a teen. He went to Australia at 18 and we only had one communication in all that time. I went to look him up a year ago only to discover he’d taken his life six months before. I thought about it a lot and I still do. I wonder what happened to him over the years and immediately before he died. I think about him on his birthday. I think about his family.

I agree with others about the processing aspect and about that person being as you remember them in their past. I’ve had some very painful bereavements of close relatives but there’s something about a contemporary deciding to end their life while you were getting on with yours that just feels so hard to compute. I think it’s wondering what their inner turmoil was while you were assuming their life was just ticking along.

emmaluggs · 01/10/2020 09:40

Yes I think it’s normal, just part of processing it all.

In very different situation, an acquaintance of mine just been diagnosed with cancer, dealing with it very well on all accounts but I burst into tears I met her through a baby group, so knowing we have children the same age just made me feel so desperately sad for her. I’ve never told her this as feel that would be inappropriate, just as an FYI.

MatildaTheCat · 01/10/2020 09:46

I have, unfortunately, known several people who have dies by suicide. It is shocking in a way that many deaths are not. If someone has a serious illness or disease then death is sad but fits into the narrative of that situation.

When someone takes their own life it is often very sudden and not predictable at all and is virtually impossible to accept. Even when one doesn’t know that person well it’s quite normal to wonder if we could have helped.

It’s a complicated grief.

Sarahandco · 01/10/2020 10:12

Yes it is normal - a parent at my childs school committed suicide, I knew them to say hello but not more than that. I haunted me for a long time. Suicide is always difficult to accept even if you do not know the person well.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 01/10/2020 10:25

Not suicide, but a person I was at school with recently died in a horrible car accident, and I was really upset - even though we'd not seen one another in years. She had young kids, and it just seemed so utterly awful. I couldn't quite make sense of how I felt, but I think there is no "normal" really.