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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have walked out? (Trigger Warning)

28 replies

SeaDreaming · 30/09/2020 19:52

I'm on holiday (on my own) and took myself out for dinner at a local pub for the first time in a million years. The food itself was fine, the company wasn't.

I was next to a table of teenage/early 20s lads. I raised an eyebrow a few times at their loud 'edgy banter', and then it got a lot worse - they were cracking jokes about
(TRIGGER WARNING) how a friend of theirs had 'killed eight babies now' (further comments revealed she'd had multiple miscarriages), and there was talk about how sleeping with her was like chucking a tictac up an alley and that her c*nt was ruined.

At that point I stomped off and told the staff exactly why I was leaving.

I think the only thing I regret is not challenging them myself.

Was I being unreasonable?
YABU - I am an oversensitive delicate flower
YANBU - I should be actively pissed off with misogyny whenever I find it

Or something in between?

[Title edited at OP's request]

OP posts:
ChampagneCommunist · 30/09/2020 19:53

YANBU. Bunch of dickheads

cardibach · 30/09/2020 19:55

YANBU, but they have no idea that they have offended anyone. I’m not sure I’d have said anything either though.

Bernardstolemywatch · 30/09/2020 19:58

Yanbu, but hardly the fault of the staff.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 30/09/2020 19:58

You're not seriously trying to gather the most yanbus ever on Mumsnet with this thread are you?

Also, lots of people (me included) don't know that "TW" in the thread title means trigger warning.

Sorry these dickheads upset you. No one on Mumsnet is ever going to disagree that the facts as you describe them are unreasonable.

Original poster
SeaDreaming · 30/09/2020 20:05

@Bernardstolemywatch it completely wasn't the staff's fault - I made it clear at the time that it was the customers and not them that I was upset with. I was hoping they might have a word with the offensive idiots about either toning it down or leaving (but really didn't want to stay around myself).

@Chicchicchicchiclana - no Grin I did spend a few minutes afterwards feeling old and angry and wondering if I'm completely out of touch with my expectations of people though.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeaDreaming · 30/09/2020 20:06

(I'll bear the trigger warning abbreviation in mind as well!)

OP posts:
Coldnights · 30/09/2020 20:07

Yanbu what awful comments.

Scandicc · 30/09/2020 20:08

That is awful and you weren't being unreasonable in the slightest!

Shizzlestix · 30/09/2020 20:24

I fear I would have bollocked them myself. My tolerance for shit behaviour in public is very low. I would probably have been sworn at, but so worth it.

meow1989 · 30/09/2020 20:31

Yanbu, obviously, awful people. It might be a good idea to report your pist to mumsnet to identofy what the trigger is in your thread title (ie: trigger warning - misscarriage) as not all triggers are the same.

Bankingswitch · 30/09/2020 20:32

You are quite right to leave anywhere if you are upset and disgusted.

I wouldn't have said anything myself but then I am not at all confrontational.

I am surprised the management did not ask them to keep it down.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 30/09/2020 20:40

I would say somewhere in between.

You weren't unreasonable to leave, or move tables, if you didn't like the conversation.

They weren't unreasonable to be in an adult environment talking between themselves in an adult way (much as I personally disagree with their choice of language).

It was unfair to stomp up to staff and tell them about it then leave. The staff have more than enough to deal with right now, and policing conversations shouldn't really be something additional they need to keep a listen out for, where does it stop,what topics of conversation are allowed?

If you had been there with someone and chatting to them you probably wouldn't have noticed what they were saying.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday though. I dream of going away by myself one day Smile

Frappuccinofan · 30/09/2020 20:44

Of course you can leave anywhere if you feel uncomfortable staying. That’s your prerogative.

However whilst the things they were saying are vile, it’s not the staff’s fault. So maybe to a tiny extent you took it out on the wrong people by “stomping out” and “telling them exactly why you were leaving”, as the language you used in your OP is connotative of a complaint against the staff themselves. I doubt the staff would have confronted the men either (for the same reasons you didn’t perhaps).

It’s hilarious when men think vaginas become “loose” like that. If women can push out babies, they won’t get “stretched out” by someone’s lousy pencil dick. I think it’s only sexually inexperienced men that think this way. If I was there I would have called them a bunch of incels.

NeutralJanet · 30/09/2020 20:47

Should have told them they shouldn't be broadcasting the fact that they have tic tac sized cocks.

Gncq · 30/09/2020 20:54

Not BU for leaving, but if it were me I'd have completely shown the sexist bastards up in front of the whole room.

Also, I'd have checked if they were following Covid advice? Are groups like that even allowed in pubs unless they're from one household anyway?

Piggybank36 · 01/10/2020 03:46

This sounds a bit strange to me, How common would it be for a young adult man to have been having sex with a woman that has been trying for a baby long enough for 8 miscarriages and what adult woman would spend her time listening to their shite

seayork2020 · 01/10/2020 04:09

If they were loud and is really disturbing everyone loud yes I would reported the volume

but no I would not report what they were saying as I don't police what people say

Yes I have no issues leaving if I felt like it to YANBU on that

Monty27 · 01/10/2020 04:15

@Shizzlestix

I fear I would have bollocked them myself. My tolerance for shit behaviour in public is very low. I would probably have been sworn at, but so worth it.
I'm afraid I would have too. You might want to choose a better venue next time OP Angry
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2020 04:30

Oh dear. They really are a bunch of stupid little boys. Unfortunately people act like a pack when together. It wasn’t a good idea to do a vote. I suggest you disregard the results as anything less than 100% is going to piss you off by the sound of it.

Angelina82 · 01/10/2020 04:45

These lads are vile, but I think you stomping off and shouting the odds about them to the staff was childish. You should have either sucked it up, said something to them directly or just quietly left.

Nikori · 01/10/2020 05:41

It's 2020, you should have secretly recorded them on your phone and posted it online.

TingTastic · 01/10/2020 06:21

YANBU for being upset by what they were saying but YABU for taking it out on the staff. Also, no need to stomp out. Just as the staff (loudly) to move tables due to the vile discussion

Serin · 01/10/2020 07:03

Disgusting behaviour.
As the mother of young adult rugby players, I would have challenged them without hesitation.

Letssee100 · 01/10/2020 07:03

I was on a busy packed train (just before lockdown) and the only seat free was next to 2 suited men in their early thirties. They moved a bag to let me sit down, so I thought they'd be polite enough.

The train did not move for 10 minutes due to some delay. One of the guys called his wife. She asked when he'll arrive. He snapped back that he didn't know and told her to keep waiting in the car with the girls (presumably his daughters). He ended the conversation and said to his mate "she's a stupid cunt. So fucking stupid!!" He repeated this tirade a few more times "cunt" "bitch" etc.

The other guy then piped up about some girl and said
"I'd love to smash her, but reckon she'll keep the baby if you jizzed in her."

The train was packed and these were the only two that were talking on the carriage. I ended up moving to another carriage.

I was really upset after witnessing that because it was pure misogyny. Horrible to witness such hatred.

Never much you can do in these circumstances especially when you are alone and there is a group of them but it does open your eyes on how some awful men talk about women.

paperandfireworks · 01/10/2020 07:29

"These lads are vile, but I think you stomping off and shouting the odds about them to the staff was childish. You should have either sucked it up, said something to them directly or just quietly left."

^^This 100%.