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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH should do more round the house?

27 replies

PurplePrincess31 · 30/09/2020 17:45

I have been married for 20 years and have always done the majority of housework and worked a few hours when DC were small. When youngest went to school I started doing more hours part time over 4 days and DH said he would do more to help but if anything he does less now. He doesn’t do any chores apart from the shopping (mainly because he said I spent to much) and some cooking. He used to occasionally mow the lawn but usually pays the oldest to do it now. I feel like all I do is clean up after everyone and have no time to myself, I spend a lot of the weekend doing stuff, my DD asks me to sit with her but I don’t have time or feel guilty cause I have stuff to do. I also feel pressure to have sexual relations with him when I don’t really want to, especially when he doesn’t help me. He does work hard at his job but I feel like I wish he put as much energy into his family.

OP posts:
shesgonebatshitagain · 30/09/2020 17:48

He should do more
Perhaps if you weren’t so knackered you might have more energy for and interest in sex or more energy and interest to tell him to eff off

HEYAhhhhhhhhh · 30/09/2020 17:53

Have you told him all of this? He does need to pull his weight. He souunds lazy and thats unfair on you.

Original poster
PurplePrincess31 · 30/09/2020 18:01

He has a busy sometimes stressful job so he’s not lazy there but he seems to think house and kids stuff is down to me. If I say anything he gets defensive and usually turns it round back on to me. If I say anything about how much he works he just says he’s doing it for us.

OP posts:
shropshire11 · 30/09/2020 18:09

Perhaps your problem here is that there has been an unspoken contract between you. In the early days, the domestic sphere (home and kids) was your bit, and the outside stuff (breadwinning) was his.

He was probably very happy with the arrangement - and it seems that maybe you used to be happy with it too. The difficulty is that your circumstances have changed (as you now work) but he doesn't want to renegotiate the contract.

It's not totally unreasonable for people to want things to stay the same. I think you need to open a conversation with him where you recognise that his contribution is highly valued (so that he doesn't feel under attack), but that times have moved on and you need to rebalance things to make it fairer. If you frame it positively rather than negatively you may get a better response. Good luck.

LannieDuck · 30/09/2020 18:51

Do you work 4 days per week or a couple of hours 4 times a week? How much you’re working does affect what share of the housework is reasonable to expect.

And how are the family finances? If you’re well off, he could cut back on his hours if he chose to. In which case he isn’t working “for you” because what you want is more time with him.

Original poster
PurplePrincess31 · 30/09/2020 19:18

I do 4 hours a day, 4 days a week so would expect to do most things but it would be nice if he cleared the tea things away after I’ve cooked, things like. Sometimes he’s told me something needs doing like picking a wet towel up off the floor or sweeping something up rather than just do it himself. We can’t afford for him to do less paid hours but he does a lot extra for free, he left a more 9-5 job cause he was bored and not progressing how he wanted.

OP posts:
shesgonebatshitagain · 30/09/2020 19:33

He tells you something needs doing?
You’re his wife and the mother of his children not his housekeeper

Original poster
PurplePrincess31 · 30/09/2020 19:53

It’s probably only a couple of times he’s been that direct and I was quite shocked as he could’ve done it himself in the time it took to tell me, I did say that to him. Once when my DD was a baby he called me as I was getting out of the shower because she needed changing rather than just doing it. He used to moan if the place was a mess but didn’t help tidy up or if he did it had to be his way on his terms.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurplePrincess31 · 30/09/2020 20:05

I also don’t feel he spends much time with the children. He reads to the younger one, helps with homework if needed and plays computer games with the older ones sometimes but doesn’t make much effort to actually do things with them. Before lockdown he was away some of the week and did make an effort when he got back but it seems because he’s here that’s enough.

OP posts:
Stefoscope · 30/09/2020 23:58

It’s probably only a couple of times he’s been that direct and I was quite shocked as he could’ve done it himself in the time it took to tell me.

I think this is the main issue, he clearly sees the house as your domain. Whilst he may work more hours and bring in the money, if he's not in a position to outsource some of the housework or childcare he needs to do some of the small, non time consuming, day-to-day tasks himself (eg. picking up wet towels, emptying the dishwahser). The alternative is he goes to work then gets to switch off for a few hours on an evening whilst you're on the go 24/7 for 365 days of the year.

FjordFiestas · 01/10/2020 00:59

Are you doing as much as he is? That's the important question.
If he leaves the house at 7am and gets back at 8pm and is non-stop during that time then he's contributing 13 hours per day, five days per week. So, that's 65 hours per week for work. Say he does five hours of housework per week (shopping etc). That's his total contribution of 70 hours. (Obviously change this for how much he works and contributes).
If you're doing 16 hours of work each week, are you doing 54 hours of chores? I mean actually doing that amount of time doing chores or childcare, not including spending half an hour watching TV or an hour and a half for a coffee with your neighbour. (Not saying you are doing those things but you need to be really honest with yourself).
If your children are at school for 35 hours each week and you're only working for 16 then I can't see how you need 19 hours of really, genuine, solid hard work to keep on top of the housework so what are you doing during that time?
I don't mean to be blunt or accusatory but so many couples fight or divorce over this issue only to realise later on that they were out of touch with how much the other person was doing.

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2020 01:11

OP. Start saying No.

AlexaShutUp · 01/10/2020 01:11

Well, you only work 16 hours per week, which leaves plenty of hours for housework. How old are the children?

Tbh, given that the kids are in school and that you work so few hours, I'd expect you to do most of the domestic stuff really. If you're spending that much time on it, maybe you need to focus on how you can do it more efficiently?

WetdreamBeliever · 01/10/2020 01:28

You sound idle. 4 hours a day, 4 days out of 7, come on....
You've castigated DH, who only works (I guess the standard 40 hours plus commute), plays with the kids, helps with homework, and does extra hours on top - your words not mine.
If anyone isn't pulling their weight, it's you.

Now the sex thing is a different issue. You shouldn't put up with that.

Original poster
PurplePrincess31 · 01/10/2020 10:10

So at the moment he’s working 9-5 at home, sometimes works later or in the evenings depending on what’s happening, is generally available if someone calls out of hours. On the days I work I probably don’t do a lot as there’s not much time between school drop off and going to work, hang washing up, clean up breakfast things, general bits and bobs. On my day off I do chores, I don’t go out for lunch with friends or leisurely shopping trips for myself. Yes maybe I need to be better organised but if kids have left toys and things around it can take a while to put them away before starting the cleaning. Perhaps if anyone has any tips that would help. But I do washing, ironing, putting laundry away, dusting, hoovering, cleaning bathrooms, kitchen, bedrooms, organising school stuff, birthdays, Christmas, holidays, is that being idle? I guess if it is then I am a failure as a wife and mother for not being able to do it all. I’ve spent 14 years looking after him and the kids, rarely do anything for myself other than watch TV, don’t get me wrong he rarely does anything for himself either but I wish he could spend less time on work and we could all have more family time. If he was single he would have to do all this and work and before anyone says it I realise I would have to work full and do it but is it to much to ask for a little bit of help?

OP posts:
pointythings · 01/10/2020 11:00

The question as always is do you have equal leisure time?

Honestly, not picking up something in passing is just idleness, and then telling you it needs doing is basically asking for a space under the patio.

EKGEMS · 01/10/2020 23:22

@WetdreamBeliever YOU sound charring

EKGEMS · 01/10/2020 23:22

Charming

JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 23:58

[quote EKGEMS]@WetdreamBeliever YOU sound charring [/quote]
Charming or not, she's right.
OP works 16 hours per week and her children are both at school. She should be able to get housework done easily. She admitted he works hard at a stressful job, she's admitted he doesn't have time for himself, she's admitted that he does help out around the house. OP is being unreasonable.

schubertdibdab · 02/10/2020 00:05

OP, if a thread about a DH and housework doesn't hit ten LTB's on the first page, you really need to have a look in the mirror.

seayork2020 · 02/10/2020 00:08

If my husband worked 16 hours a week and I worked more he would be doing more housework- but on here your husband should hire you a cleaner

HilaryBriss · 02/10/2020 00:14

I feel sorry for your daughter that you can't find time to sit with her at the weekend without feeling guilty if you do. What 'stuff' is that important that you must do it instead?

PurpleTrilby · 02/10/2020 00:16

Wow, well done the absolute wankers who've kicked the OP when she's down. Fucking slow clap to all of you. You must be so fucking proud. And special, well done. "Just" do this? You've never been there so shut the fuck up.

Northernsoulgirl45 · 02/10/2020 00:24

I feel your pain op but on here I would be classed as a lazy cow because I only did 4 hours paid work today.
Dh did probably 9.
However I also cooked every single meal, washed up, did housework, took dd to activity, all school runs, sorted supermarket shop, did loads of admin re dd2 who is in the process of getting a diagnosis of ASD, suffers anxiety and school refusing, all childcare, 2 out of 3 have some additional needs.
All dh seems to do is shout at kids from afar. He does have medical conditions but I am sufferring with a muscle strain which initially happened when I overreached picking up something he dropped. Ok he can't pick it up but he has a grabber. Now today he came out of study as I was helping dd3 with personal care. Told him his dinner was in the oven. Did he get it out? Did he heck? He sat on his chair and waited for me to it so I feel your pain op. Guess he would say he couldn't carry it safely.
Time spent on childcare and basic cooking cleaning etc is so undervalued and underestimated.

AlexaShutUp · 02/10/2020 00:27

I don't think you're idle, OP, and definitely not a failure as a wife and mother, but I do think you must be quite inefficient with regard to how you use your time. That isn't intended as a criticism, although I know it probably sounds like one. It's really just an observation, though. It should be possible to keep on top of the tasks that you mention in the time that you have available - lots of people do it in less. If you're spending too much time tidying up after the kids, maybe address that with them and get them to tidy up after themselves?

I don't think you're unreasonable to want your DH to work less and do more around the house/have more family time. If you can afford the drop in income and are happy to accept the change in lifestyle that this would entail, maybe have a conversation with him about reducing his hours? Of course, I realise that this wouldn't be possible in all roles.