To wonder how to stop DD being so shy it comes across as rude?

[Manteo]

DD(6) struggles with confidence and social skills to the point where if another child from school says hello to her on our walk to/from school she ignores them and hides behind me. I obviously don't want to be to harsh on her but I don't think I should let her get away with being rude just because she's shy. I'm hoping it'll improve with age but I don't want to bank on that. Just wondering if anyone has any advice?

What do you currently do in these situations? Have you asked her why she does it?

Don’t force it, it’ll make her worse.

Model polite behaviour. If you see another child say hello back, or acknowledge in some way.

Start small. Suggest she waves rather than speaks if that’s easier. Do it yourself so she can copy.

She’ll watch you. Show her it’s no big deal.

My son was similar at her age. I told him it was ok not to respond, but he could wave instead.

“I don't think I should let her get away with being rude just because she's shy”.

I didn’t let me son ‘get away with being rude’, more encouraged a different way to communicate.

It worked.

I wouldn't put pressure on her to speak because that could easily be counter-productive. Children will usually be happy for you to say hello to them instead.
She will probably get more confident in time if you can support her and not push.
Maybe have a conversation at another time about how the other child might feel and see if there's something she would feel able to do like wave or smile instead of speaking. It has to be driven by her though.

Baby steps. Cheerfully acknowledge the child yourself to begin with. Wave or say hello. Softly tell DD "Oh look it's x! He's saying hello".
Give her the options of smiling or waving as a response.
And stop thinking she is rude. She isn't. She's shy and nor comfortable with her peers interacting with her in that way.

I don't think I should let her get away with being rude just because she's shy.

But she isn't being rude. She's shy. Be supportive and encouraging, model the behaviour you want to see, make sure she feels safe.

DS was like this at that age. He started to come out of it by about 7 and a half and now is pretty 'normal' in his interactions with peers in public. I remember feeling exactly as you do at the time!

Huh? Isn't this normal behavior? My very confident 6yo does this sometimes if he's a bit tired or hungry. I point out the child and encourage him to wave. He sometimes gets the same treatment back and is not phased by it.

Don't call her shy to her face though because that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy with her unconsciously thinking ”mummy says I'm shy so I must be” and acting that way. Use the methods others have suggested upthread to boost her confidence and give her alternative ways of acknowledging friends.

That's not being rude it's just shyness and it's fine.

Waving is a good idea and not emphasising her shyness as though it is an inadequacy. She will feel a lot of shame.

Thanks everyone, I feel like I've tried all the suggestions though. Saying hello myself, telling her she can wave instead, asking her why. She says she's scared, I ask what she's scared of and I get a shrug.

Aw bless. I have a shy dd too. I explained to her that the children in her class will think she doesn’t like them because she used to scowl when they spotted her and said hello (when she was in reception). I told her she didn’t have to say anything, just smile and maybe wave (I think waving is perfectly fine). She didn’t want them thinking she didn’t like them so she started

Oops sent early.
She starting smiling at them more.
However all kids are different so this may not work for you. But it’s still a good idea to talk to her about how her actions may impact on others. She’s also still little so don’t worry too much if it doesn’t change straight away, it could also be something she needs time to grow out of.

I've told her she can wave and have pointed out how other children might feel if she doesn't respond. She's in year 2 now so this has been going on for ages. I just feel really sad for her. I see other kids (not so much in the covid world obviously) run up to each other and play before going into the classroom whereas she would just stay by me and hide if someone wanted to play with her.

My dd has just gone in to year 3 and she’s still like this. She doesn’t acknowledge school friends outside of school. She struggles seeing people in a different environment - even walking to school.
Lots of children can struggle with social interaction outside of their comfortable place. Just keep modelling normal reactions and let her come around in her own time.
It’s not rude to be shy :).

It will come to your dd in good time. Keep encouraging her, saying hello for her etc. At 6 she won’t be able to articulate why. All children have quirks. For example, my dd was the last child to accept being dropped off at birthday parties and the first time was a few months before her 8th birthday. She very much enjoyed herself at them even though she spent the majority of the time on my knee. At 12 she has dozens of friends and is well liked. The other children won’t think badly of your dd and will just accept this is how she is without any comment.

Thanks, that makes me feel a bit better. I was a fairly nervous, awkward child but I always had friends. I'll just keep modelling good behaviour and encouraging her and hope it comes with time I suppose.

Shyness can stem from anxiety.

Forcing a shy child forward will raise anxiety levels and make things worse.

@Manteo

Thanks everyone, I feel like I've tried all the suggestions though. Saying hello myself, telling her she can wave instead, asking her why. She says she's scared, I ask what she's scared of and I get a shrug.

Can you imagine what she might be scared of? Making some suggestions to her in a way that shows you have compassion for her, might help her in the longer term. Asking her what she is scared of can come across as really dismissive and disheartening to a shy little person tbh. She needs to hear that you understand her or are at least trying to. If you don't understand her, you might want to take some time to imagine what it's like to be her tbh.

These social graces are really quite a far way away for many children who are on the quieter side. What they need first is to build a foundation of language to be able to communicate how they feel (scared, anxious, etc.) to trusted loved ones, which only happens if they feel their loved ones are hearing them. Then a few years of practice of naming their emotions to themselves. Then a few years after that of creating personal and social habits to cope with those emotions... it's a long road, it's not something that you just solve one day by forcing her to wave at people or whatever. That's not how it works, not if you want her to develop authentic, confident social skills.

The first step will always be to create a dialogue with her over a long period of time. Not trying to "solve" her emotions, just listening to them and acknowledging them. If you do that for the next few months, you might gain enough insight into her social habits to start asking her how she might like to change, and what her ideas are for how to change. Ultimately her social interactions are her own choice, you're just the one who acts as the good example, and as her sounding board.

My DD2 was exactly the same - she would completely ignore children from school that would be shouting "HI DD2'S NAME!" I would always be saying "DD2, your friend is saying hello" but she'd still just ignore the child . I'd end up just saying hello to the other child myself.

She's 9 now and is still really shy but has grown out of ignoring her friends 😂.

Don't worry - it might take a while but her confidence will grow and she'll start to answer back and say hi.

Whilst I was mortified at the time, Dd's friends don't seem to have held it against her and she's still got lots of friends.

My dd was the same, she would actively look away if we saw someone from school in an unexpected setting (shop / street etc..) it did come across as rude so I completely understand your concern.

I don't really have any advice as 6 is still quite young and you don't want to make an issue out of it. But as a pp suggested when dd was about 9 we sat her down and explained that while we understood why she behaved as she did other people didn't and how would it feel if she said hello to someone and they turned their head and ignored her.

She understood what we were saying and it wasn't easy; we often had to prepare her before we went out eg maybe we will meet someone while we are out, if we do let's practice just giving them a smile etc..

She's 14 now. I know it will never be easy for her but she has beautiful manners and always acknowledges other people. She recently had to step outside her comfort zone and make some calls for me (hideous gastro couldn't get off the floor) and she called the doctor / schools etc.. Hearing her chat to the head teacher of my son's primary and explain the situation then wish him a good rest of the day was one of the proudest moments of my life

My dd 8 is exactly the same ! If another child says hello to her I encourage to just wave I always find myself enthusiastically saying hello back and waving to the child too to make up for it !!

I'll just keep modelling good behaviour and encouraging her and hope it comes with time I suppose.

Don't do the encouraging bit unless you are certain that it won't feel like pressure. The more you appear to be invested in her responding, the harder it will be for her to do it when she is ready.

If she isn't happy to wave or smile, let it go. Don't comment on what she does, just smile and greet the other child.

I found and read a kids book about being an introvert. It has an important message of basically let your child be themselves. It's called The Quiet Leopard.