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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder how to stop DD being so shy it comes across as rude?

34 replies

Manteo · 30/09/2020 16:24

DD(6) struggles with confidence and social skills to the point where if another child from school says hello to her on our walk to/from school she ignores them and hides behind me. I obviously don't want to be to harsh on her but I don't think I should let her get away with being rude just because she's shy. I'm hoping it'll improve with age but I don't want to bank on that. Just wondering if anyone has any advice?

OP posts:
AnxMummy10 · 31/10/2020 08:08

Aww my ds is 4 and he is exactly the same. Although my ds has anxiety and seeing a play therapist. He completely shuts down in social situations. But ours is anxiety related. I would also say dont force the issue. Some children are shy and it puts more pressure on them if they feel on the spot.

Gatehouse77 · 31/10/2020 08:27

My middle child was an intensely shy child who wouldn’t speak to many people until she’d known them for a long time. (In some cases it was years before she was comfortable which included close relatives.)

We didn’t push it and definitely not to say hello initially. However, I wouldn’t speak for her if it was something like needing a drink when out. We’d work out what she needed to say, practice and then ask together. Then gradually moved to getting the attention of the person together, her asking on her own and so on until she felt able (but not necessarily confident) to do it on her own.
I encouraged having friends over, going to the park after school, etc. so she could interact with her friends whilst I was around. Away from the eyes of adults or large groups she was perfectly chatty with her peers.

At home with just immediate family she didn’t shut up which many people found hard to believe!

On the flip side I’ve come across parents who’ve tried to force their child to speak, go on at them and talk openly in front of them about their (the parent) frustration with said child. Which, in my personal experience, has exacerbated and compounded the problem leading to further issues down the line. It draws attention to them which they emphatically don’t want!

DD is now 19 and can hold her own but will never be an extrovert. She was working in retail before Covid which had made a massive difference. Being furloughed and, consequently made redundant, has set her back, but by how much I don’t know.

Support, communication and lots of reassurance were key for us.

Happy to talk more if wanted.

Nottherealslimshady · 31/10/2020 08:47

Dont pressure her at all, everytime you being attention to it it'll get worse. You need to just leave her be and she'll be less anxious with time.

CulturallyAppropriatedName · 31/10/2020 08:51

Are you talking about selective mutism? Does she speak much with people away from home?

makingmammaries · 31/10/2020 09:35

You can’t force this. I was like that at her age and grew increasingly angry and frustrated with attempts to force me to communicate when I felt shy. I remember an attempt to force me to say ‘thank you for having me’ where I was frogmarched back to the house in question and still refused to say anything. I was not yet 6 at the time. Being sent to bed without dinner felt like a much easier option.

MrsGulDukat · 31/10/2020 09:51

My DD was like that. She really struggled to open up to anyone. It took her a long time to even open up to other family members.

She hated everything that draw attention towards her. Praise, engagement from others etc.

I never push it, I reminded her gently each time and eventually she started to open up.

One of the proudest days of my life was watching DD stand up in front of people on her last day of Primary and talk out loud to them. I cried my eyes out.

She's 13 now, and I'm really starting to see a shift in her confidence. She still shy at times and her confidence is sky high, but she's growing in her own way at her own pace.

daisychain1620 · 31/10/2020 09:59

My DS was like this, he'd turn bright red and turn away. This was with adults as well as other children and he was so tall for his age people always assumed he was a couple of years older than he was. I would have encouraged him to say hello but not pushed it in the moment. I would gently explain later how it can look rude if someone speaks to you and you ignore them or turn away. I told him it's ok if he doesn't want to play or chat but he really should say hello. This worked after a while as he still clung to me but would now say hello, it got easier from that little step.

Milssofadoesntreallyfit · 31/10/2020 10:09

I think this works both ways, yes shy people do need to cope with people BUT others need to accept that people are painfully shy and not take it as a personal insult!
It should take effort from both sides, her to learn how to make a bit of an effort and others to be patient. I certainly wouldn't make the effort with someone who would be impatient and judgemental because I'm shy.
Its got to work both ways.
I have experience of this, as a person who can be quiet in social situations and meeting people even quieter than me.

Storyoftonight · 31/10/2020 15:30

@Manteo

DD(6) struggles with confidence and social skills to the point where if another child from school says hello to her on our walk to/from school she ignores them and hides behind me. I obviously don't want to be to harsh on her but I don't think I should let her get away with being rude just because she's shy. I'm hoping it'll improve with age but I don't want to bank on that. Just wondering if anyone has any advice?
What does she do at school when these children speak to her , OP?
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