Sorry it's long!
I need some help unpicking this, I don’t understand and I have suspicion the behaviour/relationship breakdown probably has a name but I can’t find anything that sounds sensible and consequently feel at a dead end with trying to understand or solve it.
Background – come from a nice family. Always very close to both DM and DF growing up and despite me being a typical teenager that continued. Up until several years ago DM and I socialised together and had some amazing mini breaks just the two of us over the years.
Fast f to 2016 and started IVF and several years of TTC and losses.
DM became what can only be described as very possessive around it. For those who aren’t familiar when you are in throes you have about 2-4 wks. where you’re back and forth for scans/blood tests every couple of days, these for me were all v earl pre wk. and as you can imagine v stressful. DM got very demanding that she be updated on everyone. I would get a text the night before along lines ‘what time tomorrow? Make sure you call me as soon as you get out’ I duly did this but soon started to feel even worse after speaking and realised all she was doing was extracting the info, she gave me no comfort and if I voiced I was worried after a scan I got the whole stop being negative and bringing her down, ‘well I’m staying positive spiel’ Sometimes the appointments over ran and I’d been in talking to the consultant with my phone vibrating in my bag as she’d decided she’d waited long enough. This happened through two cycles and started to make me v anxious.
DH stepped in a just had a gentle word. The next time we saw her was at a family meal where she brought up what DH had said got very tearful and said all she needed know was that I was ok. Well obviously, but there are ways and means, she didn’t seem to want to know or care that how she was going about it was incredibly stressful for me at a time when I shouldn’t be having undue stress.
This continued in various forms to the point where when I did the frozen transfer that brought me my wonderful DC, I didn’t tell her or anyone for that matter that I was doing it. And for the first 8 wks., I felt terrible but knew it’s what I needed to do.
Throughout the pg she was sometimes very stand offish, I was very sick and exhausted for the first 18 wks. but she was not how I expected her to be. I assumed that I was (maybe rightly) being punished for not telling her.
After this I will bullet point some of the standout things which have happened/keep happening.
Around 16 weeks told me she’d spoken to my God Mother who’d ask after me, DM said she didn’t know ‘well I didn’t know what to tell her as I’ve not seen you’ this was patently untrue. DH was working away for much of that period and I went round for dinner at least 5 times that I can remember in quick succession. Much more than I would normally do. She then said ‘you don’t need to do this all on your own’ I literally had no idea what she was on about still do not. I spent most of my time asleep or trying not fall asleep or be sick?!?
I had a v difficult birth, lost a lot blood, nearly had to have a hysterectomy, was in theatre for over 2 hrs. Ended up on Mat HDU for 48hrs. In hosp for a wk. DM did not ask how I was feeling/doing for 10 days all I got were texts demanding pics of DC.
On 3rd day in hosp they came to visit again in the eve. I was struggling to get food as I'm GF so DH asked them to stop at Marks (it’s on way), apparently it was v busy took them ages (we weren’t to have known) and they were both clearly cross with us for having asked, she practically threw the sandwich down at me when they arrived. And made me feel like an inconvenience.
After the above they aid they were going to leave us to it whilst in hosp and come visit with my DBs when I was home. Ok but just someone to come and sit with me, relieve DH, bring me a hot drink at least one day would have been nice.
Whilst I was still poorly in hospital, she arranged a head wetting party and invited in-laws and my godparents – very expensive champagne and food. Did not invite DH or even take him round some of the food. Sent us pictures telling us what a great eve it was. That night I’d been crying and sweating struggling to feed DC on my own and hadn’t eaten or drank for hrs. In laws were mortified and had been under impression it was just supper.
The day DH went back to work after pat leave, he asked DM if she would come round and just look after us. I suggested we could take DC to local caf and have lunch. Ended up having a disastrous morn (puke/crap/repeat). DM arrived, 1stly asked why I wasn’t dressed, then gave me a bollocking about not loading dishwasher. I felt so ashamed I spent half an hr trying to load it 3 wks. aft a section. There was then no time for lunch. DM said tartly said ‘well I thought that was a long shot I’ve brought mine’ produced an M&S meal deal from her bag complete with cake and proceeded to eat in front of me. She never even offered to make me a drink let alone phone ahead to see if we needed any food picking up.
Never once offered to do anything, brought me anything round, make me a drink etc. in that post-partum recovery period.
Any time I said I ‘d had a bad day with DH or tried to tell her how I was feeling she would shut me down and would just say airily ‘well you wouldn’t have it any other way though would you’ and proceed to tell me her news. It became her stock phrase.
Totally misunderstood arrangements for her to come round one afternoon when DC was about 5 months old. Turned up when I was out. I didn’t have my phone on as I was at baby yoga. Came out to furious messages demanding to know where I was, she came round later, I was feeding a sleepy DC and she proceeded to stand there raging at me for not having my phone etc. when I asked her not to speak like that and pointed out her mistake she started crying and said how I was being horrible (?!). I’ve never been so bemused; I was sat breastfeeding my child and she gotten completely the wrong end of the stick re timings.
Speaks to me like I’m 19, and was so rude to me at a family party when DC was a few months old. All women and all mothers chatting but she kept trying to exclude me from the conversation and belittle me and de-value what I was saying, everyone chatting noticed, it was awkward and embarrassing.
Constantly nit-picks, why am I not dressed, why is my car a mess (I have a toddler and a job), why is my house a mess, why am I late, why have I not weeded the garden etc. etc. some of the things are so pathetic and petty. She will also then turn to DC, tut and saying ‘what is your Mum like’
DPs provide a day and half of childcare for me (they offered) recently told me they’re going on hols to Spain next week. (less than 3 weeks notice when they told me) and will obviously have to isolate so won’t be available for 3 wks. No sorry. I was obviously upset and panicked about it, what I’m supposed to do at short notice, I can’t take hols as in the middle of a massive project and it's over half term so others have already booked it off. Got told to stop making them feel bad and that I was being selfish.
These are just snapshots to give the fullest picture without going on even more. There’s many examples but they are along the same lines.
I cannot fathom why things have gone so wrong, I think back to the lovely things we used to do and it’s like they’re different people. I couldn’t imagine going for a coffee with my Mum now let alone for a girl’s weekend in New York or wherever.