How to ‘act’ age when I look much younger

[Helpmyhair2019]

Hello
First of all this is not a stealth post! I am overweight and get anxious so have many faults!

I am 43 but most people say I look early 30’s at the most. Whilst I know this is good long term it’s actually a real disadvantage in my current job.

I have recently started a new job which means I have to manage a group of adults as well as teenagers. I can work with the teenagers and have no problem with assertiveness there. However, I have always preferred to be a supportive and kind manager of adults rather than be there ‘boss’. This has tended in the past to make people take advantage of me even though I am not a pushover generally.

The problem is that until i tell people my age they think I am much younger and therefore much less experienced than I am. They think I am too nice when in actual fact I’m not and have dealt with many many serious and stressful situations in my line of work and in my personal life. I am spoken to/about by the people I manage as if I am someone newly qualified in the job with little experience. It therefore means the adults try and manipulate things to their advantage and impose their ‘older and wiser’ views.

I am working on being more assertive with adults. It’s not my strength and isn’t the main part of my job but is an important part.

Does anyone have any advice? I try and drop in my age as much as possible and I do notice people’s attitudes change when they realised age but it seems ridiculous to have to keep doing this!

Sorry, no advice, as I feel very similar.
I never really feel like an adult. It's weird.

Sorry, no advice. I'm the same at 47!

Don’t focus on how you look - I had the same problem as you and still look 10 years younger than my age, so I can empathise, but it is a futile exercise. Stop discussing age, it’s irrelevant. You seem to be suffering from a case of imposter syndrome. Read up on it.

Once I stopped worrying, it just didn’t matter. All that matters is doing a good job.

It’s not that I’m focussing on how I look - more that I don’t seem to have the air of authority I feel people expect from someone my age! But yes it probably is imposter syndrome. I know plenty of people in their 20’s who act very confident and people don’t question them. So it must be confidence rather than age

@middleager

Sorry, no advice. I'm the same at 47!

I'm 48! I secretly think of twenty somethings as older than me

Why would someone in their early 30's be unable to manage people? Manage everyone the same, teenagers are also adults. Manage all of the people at work related to what they require rather than their ages and perhaps your team will respond to you based on your position and not your assumed age.

I have the same problem, in my thirties with 2 dc yet people still treat me like a young kid. In asda I kid you not buying bucks fizz of all things the member of staff chose to challenge me as said I looked so young and when when checking my Id she couldnt believe and shouted to a colleague that this lady cant be in her thirties. The whole situation was very embarrassing and to the amusement of the man next to me.

then*

This isn't happening because you look younger. It's happening because you act/behave younger. Agree with a PP, there might be an element of Imposter Syndrome.

Someone once told me that you need to think of three words to define how you want to be viewed at work, then at the start of the day, imagine those three words as if they're written on your forehead. the idea is to help you to behave and act in line with those words. I found it an extremely helpful tool.

The reality is that you can't interact with adult members of your team the way you interact with teenagers (who I assume don't work for you but are perhaps being provided with services?) It's all very well saying you want to be a kind and considerate boss, which is laudable, but that doesn't mean you should be giggling, joking and hoping they'll do what you want just because.

It's hard to provide specific advice without understanding what you do and how it works. But, for example, when I manage a team I aim to be a good boss by being clear, fair and considerate. This translates into providing specific information regarding what is needed and why. I might involve asking for input into how a task is done or how long it might take then working that into my decision making. I like to ensure communication and information sharing is good so I'd pass information along as necessary, with appropriate guidance on what this means for our team/my expectations/our output etc. I always treat people who work with me with respect and like an adult - they are professionals I've hired because they have skills so I have no need to baby them.

this is all a bit simplistic, but hopefully you see what I mean.

Same problem here! I'm 35 with 2DC but I look like early 20s, my DC has been mistaken as my sibling! At work I find it realy hard to be confident and I'm overwhelmed by imposter syndrome, which results in me being painfully shy.

Thanks all. I don’t for one minute presume someone who was 30 wouldn’t be able to manage people. I guess I’m puzzled by how different people behave when they know my real age. Which is highly unfair on younger people who shouldn’t be treated any differently either!

I am certainly not giggly with these adults when managing them. More open to meeting Their needs and requirements in a supportive manner. However, this regularly turns into putting their own needs above my own and becoming someone that people don’t listen to.

Maybe it’s not the age - maybe it’s the imposter syndrome and lack of confidence. Just seems odd people do change the way they speak when they realise I’ve had 20 years of experience in my field not 5 or 10. Maybe my confidence doesn’t reflect
The twenty years experience I do have!

Maybe drop various references to you experience into the conversation so people realise earlier? “Here’s what worked in a similar situation 10 years ago...” or “years ago we did X ”

Appearance wise there are things that make you look older - hair up and earrings do it for me - but agree it’s probably more your manner.

You sound like a very nice boss but ultimately your job is not about meeting the employees’ needs and requirements, it’s about getting the job done. Of course you want people to be happy to work there and if there is something they need help with to do that then great to help them with that but the top objective is getting the job done well.

@SpaceOP

This isn't happening because you look younger. It's happening because you act/behave younger. Agree with a PP, there might be an element of Imposter Syndrome.

Someone once told me that you need to think of three words to define how you want to be viewed at work, then at the start of the day, imagine those three words as if they're written on your forehead. the idea is to help you to behave and act in line with those words. I found it an extremely helpful tool.

The reality is that you can't interact with adult members of your team the way you interact with teenagers (who I assume don't work for you but are perhaps being provided with services?) It's all very well saying you want to be a kind and considerate boss, which is laudable, but that doesn't mean you should be giggling, joking and hoping they'll do what you want just because.

It's hard to provide specific advice without understanding what you do and how it works. But, for example, when I manage a team I aim to be a good boss by being clear, fair and considerate. This translates into providing specific information regarding what is needed and why. I might involve asking for input into how a task is done or how long it might take then working that into my decision making. I like to ensure communication and information sharing is good so I'd pass information along as necessary, with appropriate guidance on what this means for our team/my expectations/our output etc. I always treat people who work with me with respect and like an adult - they are professionals I've hired because they have skills so I have no need to baby them.

this is all a bit simplistic, but hopefully you see what I mean.

I agree. My problem is my confidence/imposter syndrome mainly.

Take some assertive training and act in a professional manner.

@Shakespearsister

Take some assertive training and act in a professional manner.

I'm sure that op 'acts in a professional way'! She's been in her role for twenty years!

I am certainly not giggly with these adults when managing them. More open to meeting Their needs and requirements in a supportive manner. However, this regularly turns into putting their own needs above my own and becoming someone that people don’t listen to.

Giggly was an example! . But you've just given a good one. You are the boss. You need certain outputs to keep your bosses happy and to move forward with your team agenda. Of course you should not be putting individuals' needs above that. So person x claims they can't do x piece of work so you must do it is rubbish. Either, you're managing things really badly if there's too much work or they're taking the piss and you need to be clear on what you think are reasonable expectations.

Maybe it’s not the age - maybe it’s the imposter syndrome and lack of confidence. Just seems odd people do change the way they speak when they realise I’ve had 20 years of experience in my field not 5 or 10. Maybe my confidence doesn’t reflect. The twenty years experience I do have!

Yes - it sounds like you are perhaps a bit tentative and uncertain so they don't realise you actually know what you talking about. It's the classic, "in the next month we need to complete this work to achieve this objective" vs, "I think it would be nice to maybe complete this work and it might meet this objective"

I'm sure that op 'acts in a professional way'!

She might be professional, but not as a manager. It's a well known fact that people who are good at their jobs, might not actually be good at management. And if they are promoted to management, they may need additional training and support to thrive.

You'll often see a version of this in professional services firms where someone is an excellent consultant, lawyer, accountant etc but they can't manage people and/or clients so eventually they choose to move out of independent firms to go to in-house roles where this is not necessary.

I think if you look young, and your demeanour/manner and perceived confidence appear to match this at first glance, then this is how people will treat you.

I'm also small - short, small frame, and baby faced - and I am actually pretty young in my industry (which is full of old men) but no one questions me anymore. What changed? I speak with authority, I have confidence in my decisions, nothing comes across as "imposter syndrome".
Work on your speaking tones :) and body language in general. I don't get questioned in shops really, on the odd occasion people check my ID they are surprised by DOB, but whatever - they don't think I'm a child they just thought I was a bit younger so whatever

Same as me. I'm 85.

I know someone who is 36 and genuinely looks about 18.
We thought she was in work experience when she joined our team. She is small, thin and softly spoken which add to the perception of a young person.
No advice but you are not alone and be proud of who you are.

I have always preferred to be a supportive and kind manager of adults rather than be there ‘boss’.

I am certainly not giggly with these adults when managing them. More open to meeting Their needs and requirements in a supportive manner. However, this regularly turns into putting their own needs above my own and becoming someone that people don’t listen to.

You aretheir boss, not their friend or counsellor. You can be professional, assertive and supportive providing you are more concerned with achieving the objectives of the business than being liked.

I would be inclined to address it directly when you feel you are being taken advantage of and refuse to be pushed around. It really wouldn't matter if you were as young as people think you are, you have been employed in a management position because you presumably demonstrated at interview that you were capable of doing the job.

@DrManhattan

Depending on your work environment do you dress more formally than more junior colleagues?

Smarter clothing can give you the confidence in your authority and also inspire that respect from others. Ditto hair and general appearance.

Maybe dont concentrate on age, more the wealth of knowledge and experience you have. If they try and impart their views just reply confidently that your X many years of experience has taught you this and hopefully they get the idea soon.
Im younger but stsrted my career young, so at 30 ive got 15 years experience doing my job/using the software and sometimes i get questioned. I politely but strongly point out how long ive been using the software and sometimes im met with surprise, other times they quietly back away haha

Be confident, i found the power pose quite effective when its big girl pants time

Unfortunately you may have to keep dropping references to your experience in for a while. I'm 36 and am yet to manage anyone younger than me, I don't think I look particularly young but I don't wear make up and whilst I'm not scruffy I'm not a Hobbs Power dresser either. I have occasionally come across the issue of people suggesting they must know more than me but there's a reason I'm the boss, I've been doing this for 15yrs and I'm rather good at it! Try to keep the same idea in your head. I would read up on imposter syndrome though, it is illuminating.

I've only had one member of staff who had a real problem with being managed by a "kid" (I was 32.....) and told me quite disdainfully the first time we met that a mutual former colleague had told her I was younger than her daughter. Our whole relationship was exhausting, and fortunately it didn't last very long.