Am I normal?

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Wasn't sure where to post this so decided to do it here for traffic..

I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me as I don't feel any strong feelings/emotions and don't seem to be like others.

I never worry, get stressed or anxious.. I have the attitude if I can't change it then there's no point stressing and if I can change then it'll be fixed and all be alright.

I was discussing my job with a family member the other week (I work with traumatised children) and they asked how I coped, my mum chipped in and said because she doesn't have a heart that's how. And I've had similar comments before. I'm not nasty or horrible.. I'll go out my way to help anyone but things don't phase me. I don't lie awake at night because of the things I hear in my job no matter how horrendous they may be. My goal is to be the adult that child can trust and help them to turn their lives around.. if I do that great, If I can't then I done my best you can't help everyone. I get given the worst cases at work.. I can literally take any amount of verbal or physical abuse they throw at me and it never bothers me at all, even people I work with question how I manage it.. it never stirs any kind of emotion in me.

Recently me and my sister experienced a really traumatic event.. my sister is really struggling having nightmares and having counselling to cope.. It hasn't effected me.. I feel like it's over and I've moved on and I know people say that it can be delayed but I had a traumatic experience as a teen and that never phased me either.

I don't have strong emotional connections to people. I'm married but I can't say that Im overwhelmed with love for my husband or ever have been.. I enjoy his company. We get on amazingly and have a nice life, I support him fully and I'm protective of him.. but if he walked out on me tomorrow I don't think I'd bat an eyelid.. same with family I'm really close to my family and I see them a lot and get on well but not seeing people for months during lockdown didn't bother me at all.. whereas I had my mum and sister crying down the phone daily.

However on the flip side I have 2 boys and I love them intensely.. I'm affectionate and spend every minute I have with them.. my husband said I'm like a completely different person with them than with anyone else. I never hug or kiss anyone and I hate it when people try and hug me.. my husband is the exception.. but I had to learn to be that way with him, it didn't come naturally. The only time I feel any upset/sadness/strong emotions is with/for them.. up until they were born (oldest is 2.5) I can honestly say I had never felt any of the emotions I've felt towards them.

Is this completely abnormal.. or are others similar to me.. I only ask because I'm always told I'm not normal.. no ones ever said don't worry I get you..

Weird that you married your husband , and don’t seem to love him.
Been single for 20yrs not through choice, after my divorce, I’d love to cuddle up to my other half.
Instead 1 loving cat

@Nsky

Weird that you married your husband , and don’t seem to love him. Been single for 20yrs not through choice, after my divorce, I’d love to cuddle up to my other half. Instead 1 loving cat

What is love?

I mean is this some special totaly seperate emotion to the others?

Or is it just a short hand for the mix of regular emotions a person makes us feel and the accumulated time and memories we have of them?

Or just oxytocin?

Everyone's different.

The being able to deal wiith negative stuff- many of us have spent thousands of pounds trying to be how you are- I certainly have.

Some people feel romantic love more strongly/often than others. My latest ex never knowingly felt it at all, but he did experience being gutted when a couple of his exes dumped him, so maybe he loved them really.

What was your childhood like? It sounds like your mum enjoys being verrbally abusive about you? People develop coping mechanisms due to their childhood. As long as you aren't cruel, manipulative, treat others badly it's maybe not a bad thing.

How do you feel in yourself? It sounds like you do feel emotions- your mum's comment hurt you/made you think. Or is it only your parents that can have that effect?

Weird that you married your husband , and don’t seem to love him.

@Nsky People are different. I fall in love fairly easily- but I'd see it as a curse/not always a good thing.

@SoulofanAggron

Weird that you married your husband , and don’t seem to love him.

@Nsky People are different. I fall in love fairly easily- but I'd see it as a curse/not always a good thing.

Ugh it's always cringe worthy when people are "in love" after knowing each other all of two minutes, usualy broken up by a few months.

Always tends to be the people who say shit like "its healthy to fight in a relationship"

You're unusual but I think it is great that you are able to turn that unusualness to good use, working with traumatised children.

In how you talk about yourself, you sound quite like my partner, who has high functioning ASD. He has emotions Ofc but only really towards few people, and the dogs. The rest he can take or leave I think, although he isn’t anti-social. He seems like he doesn’t get overt emotions but in fact he does get them but finds it hard to acknowledge or label them I think.

Anyway, you sound like you are doing a lot of good and putting your skills and strengths to a really worthwhile use.

You sound pretty sorted to me........the world would be a better place with more people like you in it.

You sound a bit unusual, OP, but you must care quite a bit about children to do the work you do, and being calm and detached is probably a real asset in your work.

Maybe you're not as emotional as some people, but that isn't a problem unless you're callous or unkind to people. Just keep being the best version of you, that's all anyone can do.

You love your kids intensely: you’re no automaton. Your detachment from other people does sound unusual- but do we all need to wilt when others criticise or turn their backs on us?
If you were a man you would prob be a CEO. Women have to be fawning creatures always striving for approval. Consider yourself lucky you don’t fit the mould.

I think the Op just has a strong sense of who she is and is self sufficient.........she isn't weird at all.

@IVflytrap oh I feel physical pain.. I have a very low pain threshold!

My childhood was fine, parents divorced but wasn't a horrible time as such, they tried very hard to protect us. My relationship with them both is good. My mum is overly emotional and stresses about things before there is even anything to stress about. She's the kind of person who needs a problem so if there isn't one she will imagine what could go wrong and worry about that. I think I take after my dad. I've never seen any emotion from him. We done a lot as a family as children, my dad was there but just not the gushing/hugging type. He's spend hours doing things with us but wouldn't hug or say I love you. My mum was affectionate and said it a lot.

I do worry about my children but not very often.. my eldest was often poorly as a baby and we spent a lot of time in hospital but again I'm pretty rational about it.. I'd take him to hospital to be on the safe side but I wouldn't be rushing there thinking the worst is about to happen. My babies are still very young though and are still completely reliant on me.. I'm sure as they grow and become more independent my level of worry for them will grow. My youngest was a crier as a baby.. I definitely had to consciously detach myself from that.. sometimes I'd have no choice but to leave him to cry in another room while I sorted out my eldest and I did have a little check list to make myself feel ok about it, he's clean, fed, been held/cuddled I can't do anymore so it's ok to step away for a minute kind of thing.

In terms of empathy and my ability to work with the children I do, I understand their problems but I don't feel them if that makes sense.. I don't get sad or feel any pain for them but I understand what emotions they would feel. I don't worry but I can understand that they would worry about food if they've been deprived in the past. I think it's actually a bonus as some have said. Not so much with my work but say with other adults/friends i often struggle to understand their anxieties.. but I understand, through my training anxiety so therefore am able to be sympathetic from that perspective.

@SoulofanAggron I'd agree I married my husband without 'loving him' I never wanted to get married and he knew that but it was something that was important to him. I do love him but it's something I've learned to do not a natural thing like with my children and not something that just happened like most people would describe falling in love with their OH. I guess he accepts me for how I am that's why he wanted to marry me.

It does sound like a lack of empathy to me. An inability to share someone’s feelings, and to feel with them. Intellectually understanding is not the same as sharing or feeling with the person.

Which can be due to many things, from autism to psychopathy.

You sound similar to me. I was diagnosed as an Adult with high functioning Autism, after my DD was going through diagnosis. I've also never got the interest in other people's lives, but because of that, I'm not interested in gossip. I don't understand Cleb culture or wanting to read about them.
I don't feel the need for friendships. At university I hated the way you were expected to be like best friends after meeting and thought it was laughable how people would be having murder a few weeks later because they'd got over involved, but then they'd do it again with someone else. I don't see why living with person after person or declaring your love is any more noble than just having sex. I don't need anyone to do things with, or want someone around all the time, to me it's needy, but perhaps it's normal.

I am a very emotional person with high highs and low lows, so it's fascinating for me to read how you have described your life.

People have mentioned your 'composure' which I do admire and I think there is a distinct lack of in present times. I am curious - not being flip but it does sound a bit humourless. Do you have proper belly laughs? What do you do for fun?

I could be your twin... (and also work with Children who have severe difficulties) .I'm exactly the same.
On some level it does bother me... WHY don't I get emotional over things? I have been happily married for 30 years but the connection to my dh is nothing like my children.
Two of my children are on the autistic spectrum and while not diagnosed I am pretty sure they got it from me, but they are kind lovely people and as long as we are decent human beings I don't think it matters.
My mother always describes me as 'logical' and she's right...

I'm like you OP. We're fine. It's everyone else that isn't 😂

I think you sound normal just maybe more on one end of the ‘emotional’ continuum than others. You Mum sounds like she is on the other side of that continuum so provides some contrast.
You can’t change yourself so I would worry (not that you will).
Sociopaths seek power and enjoy manipulation. That doesn’t sound like you. I don’t agree that people on the autistic spectrum don’t feel emotions or empathy, they sometimes find understanding others emotions difficult and often find reacting to others appropriately difficult. Which doesn’t fit your descriptions, you seem to have good insight.

*wouldn’t worry

You sound very cold...not something I'd want to be.

Wow - what a charmer you are!

OP you sound like a sensible person, and there is nothing wrong with you. There are far too many drama llamas in the world, and often it's nothing more than attention seeking. I can be anxious at times, but I am also fairly level headed and while I can be a worrier I also accept that some things just happen and don't lose the plot over them. I'm not a hugger, and inwardly cringe when people want to hug me. I also don't have strong emotional connections to people. I enjoy spending time with friends, but if I didn't see them for six months or more it wouldn't upset me. We are all different, and while there may be more people who are emotional than not, it doesn't mean that those who are not are somehow wrong - and certainly don't need to be diagnosed with anything. I actually find it quite disturbing that people insist others who don't act the same way as they do must be suffering from something. Ignore those posters with ignorant replies - it is they who have a problem, not you.

I can definitely related to some of this OP. 20 years on I'm still known as the woman who didn't cry at Titanic 😆. I have similar thoughts that if my marriage was to break up, I'd be ok.
My parents never told me they loved me as a child but my in laws are gushing. I find it so uncomfortable. It has been a relief not to have to hug them because of Covid!
My child is also very huggy and I find that a bit much too, though I obviously make an effort to be affectionate with her.

You must have emotions. Otherwise, how would you know what's good or bad or even decide how to spend your time? How would you know that you got on amazingly with your partner if you were genuinely indifferent to human interactions?

I’m a bit like this. The concept of feeling someone else’s emotions has always been alien to me, if someone tells me something awful that’s happening to them I obviously realise on an intellectual level that it’s bad and strive to be helpful and comforting but I don’t feel anything myself. I get frustrated when people seem to crumble over minor things or lack resilience.

That said, I’m awful in romantic situations and fall for people way too quickly which I’m actually in therapy to deal with.

Have you always felt like this?
All my jobs since early adulthood have involved working with people experiencing various levels of trauma, death or grief. I wouldn’t say I lack empathy towards them but I definitely don’t feel sad when they die or reveal traumatic life events. I don’t have compassion fatigue, because I do care and will do my best for them. I just think I have developed a level of resilience and healthy coping skills.

I probably wouldn’t be crying down the phone about not seeing my mum if she made comments like that to me either!