Am I normal?

[gingerlace]

Wasn't sure where to post this so decided to do it here for traffic..

I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me as I don't feel any strong feelings/emotions and don't seem to be like others.

I never worry, get stressed or anxious.. I have the attitude if I can't change it then there's no point stressing and if I can change then it'll be fixed and all be alright.

I was discussing my job with a family member the other week (I work with traumatised children) and they asked how I coped, my mum chipped in and said because she doesn't have a heart that's how. And I've had similar comments before. I'm not nasty or horrible.. I'll go out my way to help anyone but things don't phase me. I don't lie awake at night because of the things I hear in my job no matter how horrendous they may be. My goal is to be the adult that child can trust and help them to turn their lives around.. if I do that great, If I can't then I done my best you can't help everyone. I get given the worst cases at work.. I can literally take any amount of verbal or physical abuse they throw at me and it never bothers me at all, even people I work with question how I manage it.. it never stirs any kind of emotion in me.

Recently me and my sister experienced a really traumatic event.. my sister is really struggling having nightmares and having counselling to cope.. It hasn't effected me.. I feel like it's over and I've moved on and I know people say that it can be delayed but I had a traumatic experience as a teen and that never phased me either.

I don't have strong emotional connections to people. I'm married but I can't say that Im overwhelmed with love for my husband or ever have been.. I enjoy his company. We get on amazingly and have a nice life, I support him fully and I'm protective of him.. but if he walked out on me tomorrow I don't think I'd bat an eyelid.. same with family I'm really close to my family and I see them a lot and get on well but not seeing people for months during lockdown didn't bother me at all.. whereas I had my mum and sister crying down the phone daily.

However on the flip side I have 2 boys and I love them intensely.. I'm affectionate and spend every minute I have with them.. my husband said I'm like a completely different person with them than with anyone else. I never hug or kiss anyone and I hate it when people try and hug me.. my husband is the exception.. but I had to learn to be that way with him, it didn't come naturally. The only time I feel any upset/sadness/strong emotions is with/for them.. up until they were born (oldest is 2.5) I can honestly say I had never felt any of the emotions I've felt towards them.

Is this completely abnormal.. or are others similar to me.. I only ask because I'm always told I'm not normal.. no ones ever said don't worry I get you..

I'd say its abnormal as in unusual eg not being that bothered by a traumatic event.

But the way that you are with your kids and husband show it isnt an issue...all in all I'd consider it a strength- my workplace are always giving seminars on how to be more emotionally resilient. It doesnt sound like youd be able to do the job you do without a certain amount of emotional resilience.

And although its unusual, it's common in say emergency services, a and e surgeons etc. You can't become too attached and feel too much empathy or you actually wouldn't be able to help anyone.

I think your mum is over reacting and comparing you to your sister and her, who I personally would consider to be over emotional, (none of my friends have cried at being apart from parents over lockdown for example though a few have been a bit fed up). Its hardly like you're dissecting small animals while they're alive and not caring about the pain you're inflicting

Completely disagree with your mum, the way you talk about your children makes that obvious. You’re also clearly made for the job you do. You have a brilliant attitude/outlook!

What is normal anyway? We can’t all be the same. Some people experience really strong emotions, down as well as up, and some people don’t. If you’re happy in yourself OP that’s all that counts. You sound like a calm, together, sorted, capable and resilient person, traits that must be very useful in your job. If you got too emotionally involved at work you’ve no doubt go mad. I don’t think you have anything to worry about OP. Vive la difference!

Op do you lack in empathy? Or have you just built up a really good load of resilience?

You sound like the kind of person I aspire to be

You could be my husband. He is exactly the same.
Exactly.

I think you sound awesome. You’re obviously a really decent human being who has an incredible ability to rationalise.

It's unusual, but if it isn't causing you or others outright problems, I wouldn't be extremely concerned, tbh.

Out of interest, what are you like with physical pain? I ask because I was reading about a woman who doesn't feel physical pain due to a gene mutation (look up Jo Cameron) and she described herself as not experiencing fear, anxiety or depression either.

Do you have emotions but don't show them or do you feel completely detached from situations as if you are looking in at them but not really present yourself?

Did something happen growing up? Parents separation, loss of a grandparent type of thing? Did you grow up in a house full of affection or one where one where emotions weren't encouraged? You said your sister is emotional and perhaps your mum too. What about your Dad?

It is interesting.

I'm like this in some ways, I'm not particularly attached to any of my family and only call them because someone nags me to, and can say hand on heart I only really love my husband and mum.
I do get easily traumatised by stuff though. I guess if your job is always dealing with trauma, you have to just desensitise.

Do you never worry, stress or feel anxious about your children? Step children?

You sound like a very sensible and rational person OP.

I would say your personality is an asset.

I'd quite like to be like you, I'm an emotional person and it's a hindrance.

I’m like you to a certain extent OP. I’m not a hugger with friends and would rather not but some of my hugging pals give me no choice in the matter. Some of my in laws I really abhor hugging as I don’t like them but they are from a family who hugs (and they are really hypocritical).
I tend not to show much emotion generally and am very laid back which has the effect of some people trying to push my buttons and to see how far they can go. It’s so childish.
Just because we don’t feel or show deep emotion that doesn’t mean we aren’t capable of it (like you I feel such deep emotion for my DC).
You sound very mature, you recognise how and why you behave a certain way. Your Mum should have apologised for her horrible remark.
We are all different and some people will never get their heads around that.

I forgot to add that you sound like a very strong woman.

I share a lot of the same characteristics as you OP. The only true emotions I’ve ever felt are for my daughter and my most beloved pets. I hate being hugged; I’ve never said “I love you” to anyone but my child and my pets. Nothing fazes me either. My family have been through A LOT and we’ve seen pretty much everything, sadly. I think that’s why I’m the way I am.

@gingerlace

Wasn't sure where to post this so decided to do it here for traffic..

I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me as I don't feel any strong feelings/emotions and don't seem to be like others.

I never worry, get stressed or anxious.. I have the attitude if I can't change it then there's no point stressing and if I can change then it'll be fixed and all be alright.

I was discussing my job with a family member the other week (I work with traumatised children) and they asked how I coped, my mum chipped in and said because she doesn't have a heart that's how. And I've had similar comments before. I'm not nasty or horrible.. I'll go out my way to help anyone but things don't phase me. I don't lie awake at night because of the things I hear in my job no matter how horrendous they may be. My goal is to be the adult that child can trust and help them to turn their lives around.. if I do that great, If I can't then I done my best you can't help everyone. I get given the worst cases at work.. I can literally take any amount of verbal or physical abuse they throw at me and it never bothers me at all, even people I work with question how I manage it.. it never stirs any kind of emotion in me.

Recently me and my sister experienced a really traumatic event.. my sister is really struggling having nightmares and having counselling to cope.. It hasn't effected me.. I feel like it's over and I've moved on and I know people say that it can be delayed but I had a traumatic experience as a teen and that never phased me either.

I don't have strong emotional connections to people. I'm married but I can't say that Im overwhelmed with love for my husband or ever have been.. I enjoy his company. We get on amazingly and have a nice life, I support him fully and I'm protective of him.. but if he walked out on me tomorrow I don't think I'd bat an eyelid.. same with family I'm really close to my family and I see them a lot and get on well but not seeing people for months during lockdown didn't bother me at all.. whereas I had my mum and sister crying down the phone daily.

However on the flip side I have 2 boys and I love them intensely.. I'm affectionate and spend every minute I have with them.. my husband said I'm like a completely different person with them than with anyone else. I never hug or kiss anyone and I hate it when people try and hug me.. my husband is the exception.. but I had to learn to be that way with him, it didn't come naturally. The only time I feel any upset/sadness/strong emotions is with/for them.. up until they were born (oldest is 2.5) I can honestly say I had never felt any of the emotions I've felt towards them.

Is this completely abnormal.. or are others similar to me.. I only ask because I'm always told I'm not normal.. no ones ever said don't worry I get you..

Yeah your just smart enough to reason.

The amount of idiots who think being "emotional" is a justification for being abusive or violent is incredible.

Or they think because they're "emotional" that it somehow makes everything about them. Weirdly society seems to accept this, ie after an accident or incident you will get more compensation if you're more emotionally upset vs someone who isnt

You sound very cold...not something I'd want to be.

I think "normal" is meaningless word, really.

I think you may be relatively unusual, but you sound happy and capable of maintaining good relationships. Your detachment is obviously a strength in your job, for which you need the kind of strong professional boundaries that some really struggle with. You're also able to feel genuine love and emotion towards your dc. That all sounds pretty healthy to me.

I wouldn't waste any time worrying about whether it's normal. Normality is overrated in any case.

Are any of us normal?
I can emotionally cut myself off from situations even when I don't want to, my thinking is it's a psychological armour I create sometime mind you the AD's help too.
You sound like a lovely kind caring DM your DM was heartless to say that everybody copes differently we're all different. It is amazing the amount of people who don't realise that

my mum chipped in and said because she doesn't have a heart that's how

My DM would and does say shit like this.

Interestingly I can be hugely empathic (do my detriment) but also disassociate which I believe you're probably doing in your work. So many things don't affect me. It doesn't mean I'm sociopathic (!), It just means I compartmentalise to cope. We so often look for approval from our mothers that comments like she made really shape us.

@ElevenSmiles

You sound very cold...not something I'd want to be.

The person who works helping traumatised kids is cold, but the person putting the boot in online is someone to emulate?

I doubt my post upset the OP...

The person who works helping traumatised kids is cold, but the person putting the boot in online is someone to emulate?

Sorry, but I just love this.

Else...You have a fan....

I'm also interested in whether you have empathy. Because maybe that's where your DM's comment came from?

I'm guessing that if you don't feel strong emotions yourself, you might not my sympathetic to other people's fears or worries?

But on the other hand you work with traumatised children - so how do you understand how they might have felt/feel about the trauma? Presumably you don't know how it feels to be a typical person experiencing trauma and PTSD.

Sorry - I just find this fascinating! I'm pretty good at compartmentalising as I did similar work, and now I volunteer with traumatised women. But though I can stay calm in my work and don't take it home with me, I can worry and stress like anyone else (though I wouldn't say I'm sentimental at all).