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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask his Mum why he said this...

51 replies

luckyduckydooda · 29/09/2020 16:03

Bit weird. Ds (primary age) comes home from school, clearly very upset- asked him what's up- he tells me one of his friends told him " Your Mum is dead. " and then laughed in ds's face...
I'm pretty peeved at this... want to tell Ds to stay away from this kid- he's a trouble maker anyway- Dh tells me I'm over reacting ( again) and that I need to grow up...???!!! WTAF?
WWYD? Do I mention it to his Mum? The teacher?

I realise I have no control over who dc decide to be friends with- but this 'joke' just seems really hurtful...

OP posts:

growinggreyer · 29/09/2020 16:09

I would mention it to the class teacher so they can keep a record of any strange or disturbing things this child says. Have a nice chat with your own son about being friends with people who are kind etc. This child is probably working through some stuff of their own. If the teacher is aware the school can possibly provide some support.

LockdownMayhem · 29/09/2020 16:10

How old are they? I assume the other child was just being silly, kids say stupid stuff all the time. Yes it wasn't true and wasn't particularly nice, but it's the kind of things he just needs to say something like 'no she's not, don't be silly' to and move on.

I don't know that telling your son to never speak to this kid again is going to help in the long run (unless there's a history of persistent unkind behaviour) as he will have to deal with kids saying daft stuff throughout his school life.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 29/09/2020 16:10

Mention it to the teacher. Not the mum.

FourPlasticRings · 29/09/2020 16:11

Mention it to the teacher.

Streamingbannersofdawn · 29/09/2020 16:13

I wouldn't mention it to his Mum...what's she going to say?

I'd mention it to the teacher because he was upset and they can keep an eye on things. My son's classmate told him that he (my son) was adopted last week...it took some reassurance from me but I chalked it up to one of those things that children do to each other.

AGoatAteIt · 29/09/2020 16:18

Mention it to the teacher rather than the mum. Maybe there’s a pattern of behaviour that needs addressing with that child.

Do not confront another parent about something your child told you their child did. Bad idea.

Skysblue · 29/09/2020 16:18

A girl in our class (age 6) did the exact same thing to another child! It seems to be a fairly common way of (sadistically) exploring power etc. Tell the teacher. And yes I did tell my son to avoid that girl. A poster upthread said there is bo point in avoiding people like this because you have to learn to ‘deal with them.’ Well, I deal with sadists by avoiding them as much as possible and I recommend your child do the same.

Original poster

luckyduckydooda · 29/09/2020 16:19

Thank you- will mention it tomorrow morning to their teacher-
Ds likes this kid- they've had play dates, birthday parties together etc- he's a handful, constantly in trouble at school. - just wonder why he would say this to my ds...
Have heard this about me before- used as a sort of racist joke before - i.e you're so white you look like a ghost... Just wonder if he's heard something horrible like that and is just mindlessly copying what he's overheard... who knows.

OP posts:

Frostiesfortea · 29/09/2020 16:19

How old are they? Kids say stupid things. Your son knows it’s not true.

Original poster

luckyduckydooda · 29/09/2020 16:24

Thank you skysblue- that's what I do too... surely in a class of 25 odd kids there are nicer ones to play with- and avoiding this one won't leave him looking like Billy no mates...
Also it's never too young to learn that being rude and unkind to ppl won't win you any friends - well it shouldn't do- but at school it can feel like the law of the jungle sometimes...

OP posts:

Sunnydaysstillhere · 29/09/2020 16:27

Make ghost noises next time you see him. And personally I would tell his dps. Not a nice thing to say...
He is a bully surely?

D4rwin · 29/09/2020 16:28

Goodness I would never make myself stay around an unpleasant person, why on earth make your children do it. Teaching your children that they don't have to tolerate shit behaviour is a life lesson in not being a doormat!

bettsbattenburg · 29/09/2020 16:34

I'd mention it to the teacher as it's potentially a safeguarding issue if the other child is being allowed to watch films/play games which are inappropriate for his age.

heymacaroner · 29/09/2020 16:36

Kids say strange things for strange reasons. Bit jumping to conclusions to say the other kid is a bully! I'd have a quiet friendly word with the other mum if I were really worried but I'm not sure what a teacher would be doing about it.

RepeatSwan · 29/09/2020 16:37

Nooo, never speak to the mum.

Tell the teacher in a head tilty concerned way.

Tell your son the other boy is being silly.

jessstan2 · 29/09/2020 16:41

I remember years ago a common retort amongst (older) kids was, "Your mum's dead". It was said in response to anything, very casual, and abbreviated to, "Your mum" (or 'yer mum').

When I was at work, I remember a colleague who had two boys telling me they had got in to the habit of saying it; an example being:
Boy 1: "I think I'll do well in the swimming gala".
Boy 2: "Yer mum....".

He was quite aghast as was I but it happened and no harm meant.

Not nice but I expect the kid who said it had heard it from others.

SunshineCake · 29/09/2020 16:46

Tell the teacher and also have words with your dickhead partner.

OhCaptain · 29/09/2020 16:52

I'm confused. Are you saying this kid was being racist by saying you're dead? I don't get it.

HattonsMustard · 29/09/2020 16:56

Tell the teacher, I do wonder why your Dh would think it was okay for his child to be told you are dead.

Streamingbannersofdawn · 29/09/2020 16:56

I should also mention that talking to parents is never a good idea. You just don't have the context. I work with children and there have been many times when suddenly a child is telling me "He said XYZ!" in tears but I've also known that they were deep in role play two minutes ago or that the complainer has been subtly winding the other up all morning.

I'm not saying your son is in any way to blame just that there is often more to it.

On a personal note I had another parent be quite nasty to me in the playground about my son "bullying" hers. I was mortified and apologetic...I'll always regret my response as when I talked to the teacher it turned out he was concerned it was the other way round! Now I wouldn't engage with another parent that way at all, just say "I'd take it up with the teacher" or something.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2020 16:57

"Dh tells me I'm over reacting ( again) and that I need to grow up"
Well if you need to grow up, you can't possibly be doing adult things. For him or with him.

I'd want an apology from him for that.

SpaceOP · 29/09/2020 16:57

Well, it wasn't nice and absolutely I'd be telling DS to consider whether he wants to be friends with this person. But I also wouldn't see it as the end of the world. I'd be more concerned if this was regular behaviour because I'd guess this child is on track to be the class bully and that is definitely a concern you want to keep an eye on.

There's a boy in DS' class who is like this. It's very overt with DS and a few other children, often physical too. But I recently discovered that the little twat has a different, lower level approach for other children, particularly the girls, to the point that some of the girls don't want to go to local communal parks in case they see him and he abuses them if they fall/ are wearing something he doesn't like etc. The school isn't doing a lot about it but DS is increasingly understanding that he needs to protect himself and avoid the child.

OhCaptain · 29/09/2020 16:59

@HattonsMustard

Tell the teacher, I do wonder why your Dh would think it was okay for his child to be told you are dead.

I'd imagine it's because it's a pretty stupid thing to say and not worth getting worked up about?

OP is clearly not dead so my reaction to it would be more bemusement than anything else.

But like I said, I'm likely missing something because I don't see how it's particularly upsetting and I'm baffled as to how it's racist!

CleverCatty · 29/09/2020 17:00

kids say silly and hurtful things all the time.

When I was 8 and had been moved for that school year to a new primary school with new set of friends etc - one of them was really nasty to me - ganged up on me and I got really angry with her and told her, in anger and I didn't mean it - that I was 'glad her DGF had died recently'. Of course I wasn't and I subsequently apologised to her and she apologised for being nasty to me - it was the first time however I'd said something as shocking as that, but as she'd been upset as her DGF had recently died I'd picked up on the fact that this could upset her - without really understanding what I'd said!

In fact the only knowledge of death I'd had was when my mice had to be put to sleep due to tumours on them - I had no concept of death otherwise!

Do tell your son this boy is being silly though and he does not know/understand what he is saying.

SadSack39 · 29/09/2020 17:08

There will always be mean kids.. not much u can do

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