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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask his Mum why he said this...

51 replies

luckyduckydooda · 29/09/2020 16:03

Bit weird. Ds (primary age) comes home from school, clearly very upset- asked him what's up- he tells me one of his friends told him " Your Mum is dead. " and then laughed in ds's face...
I'm pretty peeved at this... want to tell Ds to stay away from this kid- he's a trouble maker anyway- Dh tells me I'm over reacting ( again) and that I need to grow up...???!!! WTAF?
WWYD? Do I mention it to his Mum? The teacher?

I realise I have no control over who dc decide to be friends with- but this 'joke' just seems really hurtful...

OP posts:
Maduixa · 29/09/2020 17:13

Dh tells me I'm over reacting ( again) and that I need to grow up...???!!!

He’s gaslighting you and playing down your legitimate concerns about an incident that - while maybe innocent on the part of the other child - upset your son and you a great deal. I’d be asking why he
discounts and discredits your feelings.

For your son, though - can you use this as a learning opportunity? He’s old enough to know that something COULD happen to you or his dad or another family member, but he’d hear the news from a trusted adult (teacher head, etc in a school context) and not another child.

Pipperleen · 29/09/2020 17:14

‘Dead’ is a common and not very nice way of kids saying ‘not cool’ these days.
I work in a secondary school and hear it a lot.

pictish · 29/09/2020 17:28

Kids say some stupid things. I’d tell your son it was daft thing to say and to ignore it. I wouldn’t be speaking to the teacher or his mum.

pictish · 29/09/2020 17:29

I agree with your dh btw - you’re overreacting.

disappear · 29/09/2020 17:36

I remember years ago a common retort amongst (older) kids was, "Your mum's dead". It was said in response to anything, very casual, and abbreviated to, "Your mum" (or 'yer mum').

That takes me back, @jessstan2. This was a thing when I started my teaching career in the 80s. When the French exchange students came, they also had a version in which, if someone said (the French version of) "Yer mum", the response was "miroir" as you used your hands as a mirror to reflect the insult back.

This is a thing, OP. I'd mention it to the teacher.

Hairdyehell · 29/09/2020 17:59

You need to say to your child “well, clearly I’m not and he was being unkind”. They are saying unkind and untrue things for a reaction”. Put the horrid thought in their mind to bed. The best ammunition you can give your child is to know it, believe it and ignore it.
However the teacher should be made aware this is happening and it is unacceptable.

KillingEvenings · 29/09/2020 17:59

(I always thought Yer mum was a shortened version of yer mums a slag) not helping

Devlesko · 29/09/2020 18:02

Speak to the teacher and your dh is a knob, why do you let him speak to you like that? I hope he doesn't do it in front of your son. Sad

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/09/2020 18:10

How very fucking rude and stupid of your husband to react like that. What a dick he is.

Yes, speak to the teacher about it - it's not nice at all, especially saying it and then laughing, how awful! - but definitely stay away from the boy's mother, and I'd definitely encourage your son to play with others who are more empathic.

I don't know what you do about your husband though - maybe talk about him as though he were dead, see how he likes it... (childish, not helpful, don't do this)

pictish · 29/09/2020 18:12

‘Yer mum’ doesn’t mean your mum’s dead...it implies that the person saying it has shagged her.

Aye...yer maw - I fucked your mum. It’s not a statement of truth but one of disrespect whether for banter or aggravation.

pictish · 29/09/2020 18:18

Anyway, sorry - irrelevant point really, but ‘yer mum’ is nothing to do with her mortality.

Mykidsthinkimclueless · 29/09/2020 18:22

Yes pictish that's how I've always understood "your mum"/yer ma.

I can't imagine mentioning it. Unless perhaps it happened more. Children need to be able to deal with a bit of "your mum" nonsense.

Havaiana · 29/09/2020 18:44

Er, I doubt he's being racist, OP. Bit of an overreach there.

Runmybathforme · 29/09/2020 18:50

This just sounds like the kind of silly things kids of that age say. I couldn’t get worked up about it.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 29/09/2020 18:52

This reminds me of two half sisters with a 3 year age difference. The older one was sneakily vile to the younger one who subsequently needed to see a psychiatrist before they quickly realised it was the elder child that was causing the problems. There was intense jealousy and the need to really hurt the younger sister for existing.

The children were kept apart (between divorced parents) and both needed therapy. The nasty comments didn't stop but the younger child got used to hearing and ignoring them.

They get on well now and laugh together about some of the comments but it makes me very uncomfortable. I think the older sister changes too easily between very loving and utterly sadistic. I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of her.

peaches99 · 29/09/2020 18:52

Another vote for mentioning it to the teacher.
Kids can be cruel.

MrsKoala · 29/09/2020 18:59

@jessstan2

I remember years ago a common retort amongst (older) kids was, "Your mum's dead". It was said in response to anything, very casual, and abbreviated to, "Your mum" (or 'yer mum').

When I was at work, I remember a colleague who had two boys telling me they had got in to the habit of saying it; an example being:
Boy 1: "I think I'll do well in the swimming gala".
Boy 2: "Yer mum....".

He was quite aghast as was I but it happened and no harm meant.

Not nice but I expect the kid who said it had heard it from others.

When I grew up late 80s early 90s ‘your mum’s dead’ was quite common but rather than saying it as if they are actually dead and you have some knowledge of it, it was initially meant as an extension of ‘your dead’ ie I’m going to beat you up. So I’m going to beat up your mum type thing. Then late 90s ‘yer mum‘ changed from that to being shorthand for ‘go fuck your mum’ which is something quite different. Then when I last worked in a school in the 00s it had become an abbreviation for ‘suck your mum’. I don’t think any of these are the same as a small child telling another small child their mum is dead. It seems more like the most horrible thing a child could think of saying to see what the reaction is.

I would mention it to the teacher but as others have said not to the mum.

MintyMabel · 29/09/2020 19:25

Your son knows it’s not true.

I wouldn’t be so sure. DD is a smart, sensible kid, but once as I picked her up from after school club, a classmate whispered that I wasn’t really her mum, her mum was dead and I was just someone pretending to be her mum. DD went visibly white and shaky. I calmed her by telling her our password and told the other girl if she ever did anything like that again I’d be telling her mother.

Maskedcrusader · 29/09/2020 19:32

He said it because kids say stupid shit, often with no rhyme or reason. I'd probably just tell my kid it was a silly thing for his friend to say & not give it any more head space

KilljoysDutch · 29/09/2020 19:33

If you told your DH that the kid was being racist then no wonder he told you to grow up.

44PumpLane · 29/09/2020 19:43

OP how old are the children in question..... Context is everything.

Oldest year in primary then maybe the kid was being a bit of a shit and you should mention in to the teacher.

3/4 year olds then yes you're probably overracting as would have no real concept of what it means and why it might be hurtful.

My, nearly 4 year old, twins have recently randomly started saying "I'm dead" or "you're dead" to each other while they are playing sometimes and I ignore it as I don't feel I want to get into a heavy convo and upset them unnecessarily with the concept of loss.

marmitegirl01 · 29/09/2020 19:54

Encourage your child to speak to lunchtime/ teaching staff at the time anything happens so situations can be resolved immediately
Likely they would have had a word with other child about appropriate things to say. Consequences if it continues

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2020 20:00

@Skysblue, as said kids say/do stupid things. At six it doesn't mean that they are a sadist, some children don't develop empathy until around seven. I'd avoid anyone as hard of thinking as you.

ragged · 29/09/2020 20:58

handful, constantly in trouble at school

That's how Middle DS was seen by all the other parents. Rampant attention seeker (because he was socially isolated & desperate to be in a gang) so could have said something like "Your mum was dead." if he knew it would get a terrific response. He might say it to be hurtful or to try to gain social advantage, testing out the term (Donald Trump style) to see what it got him. He wouldn't think far enough ahead to imagine someone truly believed the words and how scared they might feel.

DS also had poor empathy, may not understand other people's feelings (has improved hugely now that he is adult size).

Ah joy, those years of DS in primary school when many parents shunned him & me. Unless they were actually accosting us on the street to complain about him. Such nostalgia...

DueNumberTwo · 29/09/2020 21:06

As a once off comment I'd ignore and tell your ds that the boy was being very silly and of course you're not dead.

My husbands, cousins 5yo told my 4yo son "the baby is dead in your mummy's tummy" in front of me. He repeated it a few times, I just told him not to be silly and left it at that.

Kids say weird things and don't really understand what dead means before a certain age.

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