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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not care about my friends problems

36 replies

user985980 · 28/09/2020 19:26

A friend of mine is having some problems, basically she has been having an affair with a senior colleague her husband has found out and she has had to relocate to another area of the business.
She keeps telling me about how tough her life is, how everything has fallen apart for her.
I feel like a bad friend because I just don't care, I have some health problems of my own that she doesn't know about and I'm just getting fed up of her going on and on about how bad things are for her.
AIBU?

OP posts:
DustyMaiden · 28/09/2020 19:27

She brought it upon herself.

CoRhona · 28/09/2020 19:29

Doesn't sound like you are her friend.

colourmeclueless · 28/09/2020 19:33

She did a shit thing by having an affair, but similarly it's not very pleasant to keep her under the guise of being her friend if you don't care about her / her problems.

Freixene · 28/09/2020 19:34

How is she supposed to know that you have things going on in your life if you don’t tell her?
Of course she did a shit thing and is facing the consequences but if you don’t care about how it’s affecting her then you’re not her friend.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 28/09/2020 19:35

Is it that you don't care or you're tired of hearing about it.
Either way you need to tell her you don't want to hear about it.

SmellsLikeFeet · 28/09/2020 19:37

No, you're not, but if you haven't told her about your worries she can't support you

Hahaha88 · 28/09/2020 19:40

Yanbu only because of what the cause of her problems are. But you haven't told her about your health issues and potentially if you had she wouldn't be offloading onto you

BackforGood · 28/09/2020 19:54

The voting doesn't really match the comments, (unless I've misunderstood?).

If someone is your friend, and they are going through a bad time - self inflicted or not - then I would expect a friend to be there for them when they want to talk.

Of course there would be caveats about how much she wants to talk, balanced against the rest of your life, and how much she listens to you, and how much whatever you are going through is impacting upon you time wise, and also emotionally, but, as a principle, then yes, YWBU to turn your back on a friend when they need someone to talk to.

RegularNameChanger106 · 28/09/2020 19:55

Well firstly don’t refer to her a your “friend” Hmm

LolaSmiles · 28/09/2020 20:02

I voted YABU because nobody can expect their friends to be a mind reader.

Yes she has done something stupid by having an affair, but either friends care about each other through good times and bad, or they don't.

You don't sound like much if a friend of you openly don't care about someone's situation and are annoyed when you've chosen not to share your situation.

happytoday73 · 28/09/2020 20:08

This is not how you support friends. Are you fed up of hearing about it? Or do you really not care-if not, why not? (because it's an affair or because not interested).... If really not interested you arent her friend.

If its because you object to affair or because going on about.. Tell her.

She can't support you unless you tell her.

TheClawww · 28/09/2020 20:09

she sounds like the architect of her own unhappiness, but also it's odd for you to refer to her as your friend when you clearly don't want to be.

S111n20 · 28/09/2020 20:09

I’m going through the same thing... I don’t give a shit... she had the affair.... deal with it.

S111n20 · 28/09/2020 20:10

Friend or not... There’s still right and wrong.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/09/2020 20:12

You aren't friends. Is she aware of that?

ScrapThatThen · 28/09/2020 20:14

People can be v self absorbed about affairs because the feelings are so intense and the fallout so great. Hard to listen without feeling judgemental. But yanbu and you could gently signal that there is life outside her drama.

LolaSmiles · 28/09/2020 20:15

Friend or not... There’s still right and wrong
Yes but the thread wasn't asking people's opinions of affairs.

The OP seems to be relying on people thinking negatively of her friend's choices and therefore saying she INBU.

Really it comes down to whether a real friend would:
A) Decide they don't care about their friend being in a bad situation
B) Be annoyed about friend talking about bad situation because they've got their own issues that a much bigger that their friend isn't aware of

Neither of those two things screams "friend" to me.

DrManhattan · 28/09/2020 20:36

Tell her what a daft slag she has been and then you don't have to worry about her being your friend anymore. Win win.

S111n20 · 28/09/2020 21:13

LolaSmiles

And I wasn’t asking you for an opinion on my opinion... wind your neck in.

LolaSmiles · 28/09/2020 21:14

And I wasn’t asking you for an opinion on my opinion... wind your neck in.

Person posts on discussion thread and gets arsey when discussion takes place.
Ok then Hmm

OhCaptain · 28/09/2020 21:15

YANBU not to care about her self-inflicted misery.

YABU to pretend to be her friend though.

BlueThistles · 28/09/2020 21:19

I have some health problems of my own that she doesn't know about

why haven't you told her ? She'll feel awful when she discovers this. Yet you judge her whilst withholding this crucial information. Tell your friend OP. 🌺

S111n20 · 28/09/2020 21:20

LolaSmiles

And I wasn’t asking you for an opinion on my opinion... wind your neck in.

Person posts on discussion thread and gets arsey when discussion takes place.
Ok then hmm

Haha 😂

BilboBercow · 28/09/2020 21:24

You aren't her friend.

BilboBercow · 28/09/2020 21:25

Slag? Fucking hell.

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