To say 50/50 isn’t working and I don’t want to continue

[StarLines]

Ex had another strop about division of care and I’m getting sick of it.

I don’t work Monday’s for childcare and half day on Fridays (WFH). Tues-Thurs are compressed hours - so early starts. Ex works Mon - Fri from home. DS in nursery Tues-Thurs.

EXP’s idea of the split is that he has him Tues-Thurs nights, I pick him up first thing Fri morning (because he’s adamant he can’t do any work with DS - despite my job having more responsibility) and I have him until Tues morning or Mon night to make it 50/50.

So I am either working or with our son - no free time at all, he just has to pick him up from nursery, put him to bed and take him in the next day.

I love DS dearly but I want a day a week where I can do my own thing and have a lie in. I’m now thinking what is the point of 50/50. He’s not spending any qualitative time with DS and I could just as well drop him off in the week too. It makes very little difference.

I tried offering a simple split rota where we alternate each week but of course, he has no childcare for Mons or Fri so I’m unreasonable to suggest that too.

AIBU thinking that’s completely unreasonable? How would I go about telling him that we are no longer doing 50/50 because it doesn’t benefit me or DS. Only ExP?

Tell him he can have him every weekend then if he can't work with him in the house

Or tell him its a week each and he can sort childcare for his week by himself

Alternate weekends so you each have him every other weekend.

So if he has Tue night- Fri morning and puts your DS into childcare on Wed & Thur then he pays for it?

A more workable 50/50 is required. Sounds like you’ll need to go through mediation TBH. How old is DS?

Yabu to stop 50/50
Yanbu to ensure a more fair split of time

Alternate weekends at the least. Presume this was not arranged via lawyers?

50/50 should include weekends or days off if not mon-fri working, we all need some time off from work/childcare.

I’d split it so you either have alternate full weekends with DS of one day of every weekend each.

or one day of every weekend each.

We decided amongst ourselves as it seemed the better thing for DS but it doesn’t feel like that now.

My earnings are low enough I get 85% of childcare costs back from UC. He wouldn’t have even considered to look into it if I’m honest. He pays the remaining 15% (so about £40).

I’ve tempted to up my hours again and work Mondays but again, it wasn’t met with a pleasant response because I’d lose the UC element and we’d both have to pay a lot more - so I’ve continued on reduced hours to benefit us both, something he doesn’t factor in either.

You definitely need to do every other weekend. And possibly put DS in nursery on a Friday because you can't work while looking after a toddler and you can't look after a toddler while working. I assume you split nursery costs 50/50 with Ex....

Hope you sort it out OP but honestly it’s not right the system is set up so you lose UC if you work more. Honestly we should have really well run and maintained state nursery so everyone has an incentive to work! As a single mum I’m sure you want to ensure financial security and this undermines it, let’s your XP not have to contribute properly.

I originally did try and do a rota where I still had DS every Mon and Fri and swapped weekends but even that is problematic now and he doesn’t want to do it that way. Tues - Thurs apparently ‘suits’ him better.

I see both sides here tbh.

I agree that you could do with some down time as he has that and you don't.

But reading your OP, you say that you have Monday and half day Friday off for childcare reasons, and compress the rest of the week, so I can see the logic in you using you it childcare days for childcare. The compressed hours might be difficult for childcare depending on how early the starts are, and it's easier to be child free after a very long day, so the current arrangement facilitates that.

I think you both need to come up with a 2 week plan that gives you both some time 'off' and both good quality time also.

I thank God that 50:50 care wasn't used as a starting point when I was a single parent. It honestly doesn't benefit children - even less so when they grow older and into their teenage years. They need a proper 'base' but that's just my opinion which I know a lot of people won't agree with.

I'd just stop the 50/50 as it's not working. If he can't do Fridays etc, then he can't do Fridays. Come up with something that suits you

Thing is OP this isn’t about what suits ex (or you) better, it’s about what’s best for DS. It just so happens that what’d be better for you would also give DS more quality time with ex.

You are, effectively, subsidising ex. Financially and in practical terms, that’s only ok if it’s a two way street. It needs to stop. DS deserves weekend time with his dad (and you deserve weekend time to yourself).

tbh I would love it your way as I'd be at work when I don't have my child and free to spend time with them when I do. I get that 2 parent households can tag in or out but actually we tend to both spend time with our child when we are free so I would want that to continue if we split. If it doesn't work for you though, tell him. Maybe Mon to Wed instead of Tues to Thurs? It needs to be what works best for both of you. I'm more surprised that he doesn't want time with his child when he isnt working to be honest.

I would say that the logical split is you alternate weekends and the mid week nursery days - it makes sense for you to always have him on a monday

I don’t work Monday’s for childcare and half day on Fridays (WFH). Tues-Thurs are compressed hours - so early starts. Ex works Mon - Fri from home. DS in nursery Tues-Thurs.

So Monday you have DS
Tuesday nursery then DH
Wednesday nursery then DH
Thursday nursery then DH
Friday - you from AM onwards
Saturday - you
Sunday - you.

So currently, you have him 4 complete days and 4 nights.
Your ex has him for 3 overnights and 3 evenings. That isn't 50/50.

Having said that, 3½ days and have to deal with DS for ½ a day of that. Ex has 5 working days and has 3 days dealing with DS in the morning before work.

I don't think there is a solution that will suit you all.

I guess you could tell him that but unless you're planning on saying he needs to do more than 50/50 custody then surely you're in an even worse boat?

At least you have Tuesday night until Friday morning to yourself at the moment.

@Lougle

I don’t work Monday’s for childcare and half day on Fridays (WFH). Tues-Thurs are compressed hours - so early starts. Ex works Mon - Fri from home. DS in nursery Tues-Thurs.

So Monday you have DS
Tuesday nursery then DH
Wednesday nursery then DH
Thursday nursery then DH
Friday - you from AM onwards
Saturday - you
Sunday - you.

So currently, you have him 4 complete days and 4 nights.
Your ex has him for 3 overnights and 3 evenings. That isn't 50/50.

Yes, that’s why I’m getting fed up. He will alternate and sometimes pick him up Mon evening to take him to nursery to make it 50/50 - but that only seems to be 50/50 on the nights, not the days. He doesn’t want to spend a single day with DS and I just want to be able to sleep until 10am occasionally.

I think it just finds entertaining DS a hassle so is trying to find a way to check out of that element.

It's not 50/50. You have him for more time. YANBU.

It’s fine having Tues-Thurs to a degree, but I can’t go out of evening because I start work at 7:30. If I have DS, I can drop him off at 7 so it doesn’t make a huge amount of difference. Mornings with DS are easy with nursery - just dress, brush teeth and out the door. They feed him breakfast.

He will alternate and sometimes pick him up Mon evening to take him to nursery to make it 50/50 - but that only seems to be 50/50 on the nights, not the days. He doesn’t want to spend a single day with DS and I just want to be able to sleep until 10am occasionally.

Unfortunately for CSA purposes 50/50 is based on overnight stays. Do you think he is insisting on 50/50 so he doesn't need to pay you any money?

Also how come he doesn't ever have him at the weekend?! You should definitely be alternating those or at least have him one day each every weekend, then at least you'd get a day to yourself.