To say 50/50 isn’t working and I don’t want to continue

[StarLines]

Ex had another strop about division of care and I’m getting sick of it.

I don’t work Monday’s for childcare and half day on Fridays (WFH). Tues-Thurs are compressed hours - so early starts. Ex works Mon - Fri from home. DS in nursery Tues-Thurs.

EXP’s idea of the split is that he has him Tues-Thurs nights, I pick him up first thing Fri morning (because he’s adamant he can’t do any work with DS - despite my job having more responsibility) and I have him until Tues morning or Mon night to make it 50/50.

So I am either working or with our son - no free time at all, he just has to pick him up from nursery, put him to bed and take him in the next day.

I love DS dearly but I want a day a week where I can do my own thing and have a lie in. I’m now thinking what is the point of 50/50. He’s not spending any qualitative time with DS and I could just as well drop him off in the week too. It makes very little difference.

I tried offering a simple split rota where we alternate each week but of course, he has no childcare for Mons or Fri so I’m unreasonable to suggest that too.

AIBU thinking that’s completely unreasonable? How would I go about telling him that we are no longer doing 50/50 because it doesn’t benefit me or DS. Only ExP?

Whilst I agree that something's got to chance for your sanity, on posts where the sad wants just weekends and the mum gets stuck with a working week, MN seems to come down pretty harshly on the guy, because it means he gets the fun time and it's unfair that mum gets the drudgery school/nursery time. Here it's reversed, and the guy is still in the wrong...

He's in the wrong for the same reason though he won't do any of the parenting...

Full time nursery is far easier than school in terms of logistics, especially when all he has to do is 3 nursery drop offs, 3/4 pick ups and 3/4 night times and nothing else...

No paying nursery/liaising with them, no actual parent ping bar what 7/8 hours per week?

@Babyboomtastic
Whilst I agree that something's got to chance for your sanity, on posts where the sad wants just weekends and the mum gets stuck with a working week, MN seems to come down pretty harshly on the guy, because it means he gets the fun time and it's unfair that mum gets the drudgery school/nursery time. Here it's reversed, and the guy is still in the wrong..

No one's suggesting that the child goes to his father's every weekend! They are saying that the father should have him every other weekend and that would enable the father to spend some quality time with his son. Currently he only collects from nursery on wednesday and thursdays so only gives him his tea and puts him to bed. This certainly isn't 50:50 care by any stretch of the imagination!

If he refuses to change schedules I would stop contact and tell him to sort out mediation as it sounds the only way to force his hand - at least you would get more child maintenance!!!

Jeez.

I don't think OP should stop her son seeing his father over this.

But definitely move around his nursery days to suit you more if possible.

But the irony is he isn't seeing his child bar the maybe 6ish hours per week between waking up and being dropped at nursery and then picking up from nursery and going to bed...

If he refuses to discuss/compromise all the op can do is get it taken to court. It's likely as soon as she stops paying for the childcare he uses he will be up in arms so I would certainly do that first.

Change your working days and nursery days - cancel the days you don't need when he is with his Dad and tell the nursery you are only paying for Monday, Tuesday and Friday from now on. Then write to him and state you no longer need nursery on those days as he is having DS but if he wants him nursery to sort it out with them quickly before the days get taken.

Also ensure that the nursery will bill you both separately.

@StarLines

It's really hard discussing things with Ex. Work have offered me more hours and honestly, I could really do with them as I'm struggling fitting in everything I do in the hours I have. However, I would lose out on some of the support from UC and I'm not sure it's financially worth it.

I have WFH on a Friday since I came back from mat leave. It's only 4 hours, so I actually do those across the whole day - 30 mins over breakfast, settle him into some toys and do another 30 mins, more work over nap time, etc. I don't mind exactly, but I've had to make a lot of changes to my work and lifestyle and ex has made none.

I don't understand comments from people in relationships being surprised I'd like some time to myself. When we were still together, Ex would get up with DS on a Sat morning, I'd get up on a Sun. I could pop out and go shopping by myself. I could focus on dinner whilst Ex would keep him entertained in the living room. It's little things like that.

I think that yes, a fair set up would be something like Mon-Tue me, Weds-Thurs him and weekends shared fortnightly - but of course Ex would need to set up childcare and I'm sure he'll argue against that too.

50/50 should be better for DS and it is important he spends time with him. But at the moment it's costing me more financially and in time. I'm exhausted, broke and very fed up with it all.

If you want to take more hours at work, do it. Your ex can’t control your working life - you do what you works for you. Do you think he’d ask your permission if he wanted to increase his hours? As long as you cover your childcare obligations, you’re fine.

You’d lose out on UC... but at the moment that’s covering the childcare costs that your ex is incurring. You have no obligation to continue paying for his childcare.

I don’t think the drop in UC would affect you too much personally, would it?

You’d lose out on UC... but at the moment that’s covering the childcare costs that your ex is incurring. You have no obligation to continue paying for his childcare.

Yes. Also, if it doesn't make financial sense for you to work more hours, moving the nursery days will at least give you some time to yourself during the week.

You work Tue-Fri, ex covers Wed, Thur. Currently DS does Tue, Wed, Thur at nursery.

If you move this to Mon, Tue and Fri, this gives you a day and a half extra to yourself. You can then choose whether you want to work more hours (if it makes financial sense for you) or have a bit of a break. You'll still have time to spend with your DS since, unlike his dad, you actually have him for quality time at weekends.

To be honest, I suspect when it becomes clear to your ex how much two full days at nursery will cost if he has to pay for them himself, he'll be only too happy to go down to EOW and pay maintenance. He'd have to be earning a lot for maintenance to cover the nursery costs.

@Osirus

I don’t understand and will definitely be the odd one out here, but why do you need time off from your child? Why do separated parents need a weekend to themselves? Married/cohabiting parents don’t tend to just take a whole weekend off on such a regular basis. In four years I’ve not even had a night to myself let alone a whole weekend.

I see it so much, especially with newly separated parents. I feel very sorry for the children who are passed from person to person just so their parents can live the single life again.

I do everything for my daughter; I don’t feel like I ever need time off. I don’t get much help from DH, for legitimate reasons. I would hate to be apart from her for so much time.

Totally agree with the first para of this comment - this is something I never "get" either. Or the idea that "well it's not my weekend so I'm not having my child because I'm not doing my ex any favours".

When there are two parents though all the responsibilities and burdens are shared:

Financial and practical- it's different. Even if your partner cooks once a week, does only a bit of housework or sorts the cars or finances out the burdens are shared.

The op doesn't actually want less time with her DS what she wants is time to do the other shit instead of being to exhausted to enjoy the time she has with her DS.

If your partner was contributing nothing to your family life then you wouldn't be with him anymore? Even if it's only financial it makes a difference.

I don’t understand and will definitely be the odd one out here, but why do you need time off from your child? Why do separated parents need a weekend to themselves? Married/cohabiting parents don’t tend to just take a whole weekend off on such a regular basis. In four years I’ve not even had a night to myself let alone a whole weekend.

Totally agree with the first para of this comment - this is something I never "get" either. Or the idea that "well it's not my weekend so I'm not having my child because I'm not doing my ex any favours".

I may be in the minority here, but I regularly get time off from my DC. Sometimes DH takes them to stay with his parents, leaving me with two blissful days to sleep in, order takeout and watch junk TV. Most weekends, he takes them to the playground or for an afternoon walk. If I've organised lunch or dinner out with friends, he has DC. He'll also suggest himself paying for a babysitter from our joint funds so we can go out together. Although he's not around during the week that much, he helps when he can with nursery drop-offs, getting breakfast for DC and picking up stuff from the shop that I've forgotten. If married/cohabiting parents don't ever get a break from their DC, this is something they should be discussing with their OH.

I can well understand why single parents might want some relief from having the complete weight of responsibility for their children on their shoulders the whole time and having no one to share the burden with.

The problem is if he sticks to his guns and it goes to mediation and/or court they will try to follow the status quo, they can't force your Ex to have him weekends and as it's almost 50/50 (give or take a day per week) they'd likely stick to it.

I've been there. My Ex wanted DD every weekend but no weekdays. It went to court and they gave him Every Other Weekend but no weekday contact. We're still trying to come to a financial agreement about that because it's not fair I have all the childcare costs and the rush.

they can't force your Ex to have him weekends and as it's almost 50/50 (give or take a day per week) they'd likely stick to it.

But they can't force the OP to provide childcare for her ex on his days either. So the best leverage she has is to change the nursery days.

I think the lack of every other weekend rotation is the real issue here and that's what you should tackle with your ex. You said he works Monday-Friday so there is zero reason for him not to have his son every other weekend and I'm surprised he doesn't seem to want that, given that he wants him during the week.

It makes sense that you have DS on the days you're off/doing half days since that's the reason you organised your work that way. It also makes sense that your ex will only be able to have him weekday evenings, whatever days that may be, since he works Monday-Friday.

Honestly in your shoes I think I'd prefer it to be the way it is now with regards to weeknights, otherwise you never get any days off from doing something for DS. If things changed, every day of the week you'd either have him all day and then your ex picks him up from you, or you'll be dropping/picking him up from nursery. At least now, even though you're working, you get Tuesday-Friday morning free of any childcare.

However, if you don't feel that you're benefiting from your current working hours, I would change them around, do the full 5 days and have DS in nursery Mon-Fri. But ex will have to split the cost.