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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Polish PIL

29 replies

NatU123 · 27/09/2020 22:19

Hi everyone!

This is my first post so I hope I'm posting in the right place 🙃
I just want some advice regarding my PIL.

They live in Poland and we are in the UK. Dh & I have always been to visit them in Poland, they haven't been here to visit but do go to Egypt every year.
I fell pregnant and we invited them to come and stay with us when the baby would be a couple of months old. Initially they said they would come but then Mil said to DH that her claustrophobia was getting worse so she wouldn't be coming and for us to go to her. She does have claustrophobia but I find it a little strange that only now when we have invited her to stay with us she cannot fly...and even if that's the case she could take medication? The airport is 3 hrs away from where we live plus time at the airport and 3 hour flight, we don't particularly want to make such a long journey with a baby (Ds is now 7 months old) yet I feel like he's missing out on having GP. Am I being unreasonable to not take him to them?
BTW they never ask about him...it's always me updating them on DS or sending photos although I don't bother so much anymore. They have GC that live nearby and they are very involved in their lives. I had just hoped that they would make more effort. They are missing out on so much.

Thanks for any advice :)

OP posts:
Star81 · 27/09/2020 22:54

Is your partner bothered about the fact they haven’t come over ?

Sadly, although you feel he is missing out on grandparents it doesn’t seem they have much interest and you making the trip over probably isn’t going to change that.

Original poster
NatU123 · 27/09/2020 23:05

Nope, he isn't bothered. I just feel sad for my baby. Maybe if they showed an interest in him & asked about him I would feel more inclined to make the trip. Thanks @Star81

OP posts:
WhenAWrenVisits · 27/09/2020 23:08

I think you imagined this relationship would be different for your child to how the reality is. Yanbu to not go. I wouldn’t rule it out forever though. It’ll be good for your DC to meet their GPS but wait until you feel ready for a long trip with a small baby on planes. Does DC have other GPs who are showing more interest? If so focus more on that relationship instead.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/09/2020 23:10

I don’t know that I’d schlepp over there with a baby. When he’s a bit older, he’ll get more out of it. My colleague has just had a week in a European country seeing family, enjoying the food, going to various events, and that seems a lot more worthwhile to her toddler than it would have been a year ago. I would politely decline their “kind offer” for now.

Dreamscomingtrue · 27/09/2020 23:16

Why isn’t she claustrophobic flying to Egypt every year?

Flying with a baby isn’t much fun at the best of times and As you say travelling to the airport, check in time and the flight itself makes for a long day.

I do a similar trip to Spain to see my grandchildren and from door to door it takes me 7+ hours. I do it 2 or 3 times a year and it doesn’t get any easier.

Maybe wait until he’s a bit older, I travelled this month and it’s not a nice experience with the masks at the airports and on the flights.

Grandparents are great, my in-laws were wonderful, interested, caring and helped me a lot. But it is difficult when families are in different countries.

Maybe try to build up a network of family and friends here to compensate for their lack of interest?

Their behaviour is sad but you can’t unfortunately change the way they are.

saraclara · 27/09/2020 23:17

She does have claustrophobia but I find it a little strange that only now when we have invited her to stay with us she cannot fly...and even if that's the case she could take medication?

My dad had claustrophobia. There is no way on God's earth that he could ever have set foot in a plane. Medication doesn't take it away...and the anxiety in the run up to any attempt would probably have brought him to his knees.

My inlaws are in Poland too. Depending on how close yours are to an airport, it's a pretty easy trip, even with a baby. I'd just go. Actually meeting your baby is going to help them bond and attach to him. Staying away isn't going to get them more involved in his life.

saraclara · 27/09/2020 23:18

Oh...missed the Egypt bit. If they go to Egypt any time soon, I'd struggle with that.

Original poster
NatU123 · 28/09/2020 14:15

Thanks to you all for responding :)

OP posts:
jillandhersprite · 28/09/2020 14:22

I think the country of the inlaws is a red herring - I clicked because I am polish and wondered if it was some kind of cultural conundrum.
They are just not that bothered - if they can go on other plane holidays.
Sounds like your husband isn't bothered about the relationship either.
Put it on hold and focus on making your life as easy as possible right now.
Given current circumatances shlepping a newborn vulnerable baby on planes isn't the smartest thing to do...
Maybe things will change when your child is a bit older...

notfromstepford · 28/09/2020 14:24

My parents and my MIL don't have any interest in their grandchildren at all. We have a couple of best friends who are more like grandparents to them then their actual grandparents will ever be. Used to make me sad, but doesn't bother me anymore to be honest. I'm past caring and just enjoy the relationships they do have with others. Family don't have to be blood related.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 28/09/2020 14:26

If they can go to Egypt they can come to the UK.

They aren't really interested in their grandchild, sadly.

Lottieskeeper · 28/09/2020 14:27

Some people don't seam to be interested in being grandparents.

My in laws are less than 5 minutes drive from us and they just can't be bothered to make the effort.

I find it almost an insult that they don't want to spend time with my kids.
I'm sure if they lived in another country they wouldn't have bothered at all. They just don't have the interest.

katy1213 · 28/09/2020 14:32

If they already have grandchildren nearby they have probably run out of steam and are less interested as yours are less of a novelty.
I wouldn't bother visiting unless it suits you to go; but your baby won't know or care.

happytoday73 · 28/09/2020 14:37

Is the claustrophobia a red herring for a different reason? Could it be Covid that is scaring them off from coming to the UK specifically and anxious over flying? The rates in Poland are much lower than we have (or were last time I looked).

If you are in built up part of country and they are more remote they might feel its much safer for you to go to them.

Are your parents around and able to get actively involved? Or are these only grandparents?

Just a suggestion but why not agree to meet them in Poland next year.... Say june/July.. Beach holiday in Sopot?

BluePeterVag · 28/09/2020 14:39

I agree with finding it odd and hurtful that they can go to Egypt but not to visit their own son and grandchild.

They may be the sort of people who find babies not that interesting, but start to take more of an interest as the baby grows to a toddler and a child? That can happen in families.

My in laws are in another country and it is tough to build a relationship. My FIL died last year and it made me realise how little my MIL actually is bothered by my kids, and it was my FIL who would ask her to get in FaceTime, and want to see the photos we would upload (daily during baby and toddlerhood) to an online gallery. We upload a few photos a week, and it sends her a notification when we do but when she does call we ask if she has looked recently and the answer is almost always “no” + an excuse. Yet she was very involved in the lives of her other gc. It is hurtful but I think she is self-centred and does as she pleases without doing anything I think she should be doing to please me.

Problems always happen when we expect people to behave and think how we might behave/think ourselves. Especially with people from different backgrounds and cultures. We can make a family from friends, don’t give it much more thought. It will be what it is, and let your DH do any relationship building.

Woolwichgirl · 28/09/2020 15:06

Just leave things be.You cant force their interest.Just focus on the Gp that your baby have on ground here.
For pespective I have a 7 month old baby and he has no Gp on both side.Not a single Gp..What can we do? Its life..I dont let it bother me.At the end of the day,my baby cant miss what he doesnt know about.

tara66 · 28/09/2020 15:06

Almost all flights are being disrupted or cancelled because of covid 19 at present time. It could get worse. This is not the time to be travelling with small child. (Perhaps you could drive if you really wanted to go - but it doesn't seem like you do). Your child is not ''missing out'' at his age in not having relationship with GPs in Poland - he is too young to know obviously.

Original poster
NatU123 · 28/09/2020 15:06

I like the idea of Sopot next year :) at least they will have to put some effort in to meet us there 😄
I have my mother who lives a few hours away from us, we do see her now & again and she's great with my baby.

The last time PIL saw DS on video chat was when he was about 3 months old. You would think they would ask to see him on camera. They didn't send him a present when he was born. Don't ask about him (don't think they even know he has 2 teeth now) yet they want me to make the journey there with him :/ maybe her claustrophobia is getting much worse but she's flown a lot it's not like she's never been on a plane (she's been to Iceland too).

OP posts:
JaJaDingDong · 28/09/2020 15:20

If I was going to take a baby to Poland I'd probably drive, with an overnight stop on the way.
Much easier than flying

workhomesleeprepeat · 28/09/2020 15:31

Sorry OP, I don’t think they sound very interested! At least they are in Poland, I think their disinterest would hurt even more if they were living a couple of hours drive from you.

Focus on your lovely baby and husband, and on being happy in your little unit. I know it hurts, but fuck them - if they're not interested it is their loss.

Original poster
NatU123 · 28/09/2020 20:21

@workhomesleeprepeat I think you're absolutely right - especially the last bit Wink Grin.

All good advice. Everyone seems to be on the same page so to speak Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
NatU123 · 14/11/2020 11:17

An update - my MIL has indeed booked a holiday (to Georgia) She has had therapy and is fine now Hmm

Tell me AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 14/11/2020 12:17

@NatU123

An update - my MIL has indeed booked a holiday (to Georgia) She has had therapy and is fine now Hmm

Tell me AIBU to be annoyed?

I would get your DH to ask her outright. “ so you are alright flying now then? When you coming to see the baby? I’dve thought you’d have come to see us first”
IVflytrap · 14/11/2020 12:19

YANBU to feel how you feel. It must be incredibly disappointing.

I think the only thing you can really do is accept that for whatever reason, your PILs are a bit rubbish and can't be bothered to make the effort, and therefore the best thing you can do is to focus on yourselves, and on the family support that you already have here.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 14/11/2020 12:35

Just say great- when can you come over here and see us, let's get a date booked in. See what they say...