Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TO think this is violation of privacy?

26 replies

MrsNotNice · 27/09/2020 20:27

Hi all,

This isn’t massive deal but I would like to knkw what everyone thinks for the sake of reference.

I have a 11 month old who has been not sleeping well at all the past two or 3 days.

So today I slept in till quite late while DH took care of them and fed them in the morning.

Admittedly also laundry is everywhere and the bedroom is a mess because it has been piling and struggling to cope.

I have a toddler and a baby both with runny nose and DH is a key worker and has also been ill and so with my lack of sleep and his inability to help out until today I had to prioritize my sanity over laundry and mess..

To add to that, when I woke up at 11 am, My daughter was completely undressed in her nappy and roaming around with dry snot everywhere. It’s fine to be naked as our flat is well insulated and warm. I usually dress them up first thing in the morning but as I wasn’t awake I didn’t.

So the question is... DH has very judgemental parents who have history of slating me and have the opinion that if I’m staying at home with the kids then I have all the time in the world to have everything in perfect order.. sickness and lack of sleep is never an excuse and have indeed been very rude to me about it in the past.

The question is.. he video called his parents with my undressed daughter crawling around the messy bedroom while he fully know that they have a past of berating me for my housekeeping and parenting to an unreasonable level.

I was pissed off and told him that when he calls his parents he should have made sure whatever he is videoing at least looks presentable.. and that this has caused them to judge me as an unfit mother whixh they have been keen to do before I even gave birth.

He said, it’s not his fault and that they asked to see the kids and so he showed them and that it’s fine he takes the feedback on board but that he wasn’t to know that it would upset me.

AIBU to assume the average human being would cover up his mess/snot/undressed kids and a bad morning from his parents especially if he knows it causes them to judge his wife?

Or is that not his issue and it’s all with his parents ?

We are not close to his parents specifically because they don’t respect our privacy and have made intrusive remarks and comments about our personal lives.. and I’m afraid today we just gave them ammunition.

Yes- you are unreasonable to assume he should not just be himself with his parents

No- you are not unreasonable and he should naturally want to protect his family image Infront of his parents who have caused marriage issues in the past

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 27/09/2020 20:28

No not being unreasonable

Original poster
MrsNotNice · 27/09/2020 20:42

How can I communicate that boundary with DH? In simple terms ? As admittedly he has mild learning disability and at times I think it affects his ability to anticipate and manage those social situations and it always results in me frustrated.

Not very sure it’s related to his learning disability though as it doesn’t seem to effect other areas of his Social life to be fair but just in case because we aren’t reaching an understanding and it’s causing me to feel like he doesn’t care enough to have my back in my absence.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 27/09/2020 20:50

Your husband was wrong to do that. He could have telephoned his parents at any time.

However, what's done is done and it may not have appeared as bad as you think.

They have no right to judge you. I do not get these people who do judge young parents with small children, it's damned hard work to keep it all together.

Stella8686 · 27/09/2020 21:01

It wouldn't have bothered me because I couldn't give a shit what the Parents in law think.

I've no time for toxic people and would refuse to ever be in their company. Send DH with DC to see PiL not your problem

veryvery · 27/09/2020 21:05

People have different standards of embarrassment. Afraid you will have to spell it out.

veryvery · 27/09/2020 21:08

As to how. Hmm, that will involve you maybe talking about maybe making sure children are dressed at a certain time etc if you are not up.

Original poster
MrsNotNice · 27/09/2020 21:20

veryvery But I think he knows after 6 years of being together that it’s rather embarrassing for me because he knows how insecure I felt after they have publically pointed out my inadequacies to score points on multiple occasions.

Stella8686 I’m very low contact with them. Unfortunately I wish I can avoid ever interacting with them but this set up won’t work for us for multiple reasons- against my liking

OP posts:
Meuniere · 27/09/2020 21:27

With my parents, I would have no issue doing what your DH did.
However his parents are toxic and he should have tried to protect himself and you from more attacks. There was no point giving them ammunition.

I wonder why you are not NC if they are so bad though.

Dilbertian · 27/09/2020 21:28

If your in-laws have a problem with your housekeeping, that's their problem, not yours. You do not need to hide or defend yourself.

Perhaps your dh also does not think he needs to hide or defend anything.

I know it's painful and draining when people are nastily judgemental, but you need to ignore it. You married your dh, not your ILs.

PicsInRed · 27/09/2020 21:29

Given he knows what they are like towards you that sounds like his behaviour was passive aggressive and I don't think he was as willing to help get in there and parent his own kids as you think. I think we all know that the in laws bully you as he allows it and refuses to deal with the problem in a meaningful way with meaningful consequences.

As the old saying goes, you don't have an in laws problem, you have a husband problem.

IHateCoronavirus · 28/09/2020 06:45

No bring unreasonable to have your privacy. Was DH up with the DH before 11 or were they unsupervised? If not then YABU to leave a small child unaccompanied. Not old enough to use a toilet reliably, definitely not old enough to be awake while the DPs sleep in.

Boobissue · 28/09/2020 07:15

YABU or rather his parents are.

As long as you keep pandering to them, they'll keep doing it. If they make a snarky remark, shrug your shoulders at them and say"I'm not really interested in your opinion". Repeat every time and take back control.

If you let them think their opinion matters, they'll keep doing it. Stop now and make your rules and boundaries.

Boobissue · 28/09/2020 07:17

@IHateCoronavirus try reading the OP, it e plains completely that the DH was taking care of the DC.

Boobissue · 28/09/2020 07:18

*explains

seayork2020 · 28/09/2020 07:24

My husband's parents live overseas he facetime's them, I don't care what the place looks like he is free to contact them any time he likes.

Yes I think you are being totally unreasonable but I know there are people who will say the opposite.

Same way as I am free to contact who I want I don't need his permission

Coffeecak3 · 28/09/2020 07:25

I voted Yabu because it’s your home and not their business. As long as you are paying your own bills you can live, within reason, how you like.
We all have days when the housework goes to pot. I’m retired, no excuse for any mess and yet my living room and bedroom are cluttered because I’ve had a lazy weekend.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2020 07:28

This problem is all born from the fact that his parents are awful, and that you guys can't stand up to them and tell them to fuck off with their opinions. Address that, not easy; and then what is essentially normal situations like this, won't matter.

user1493413286 · 28/09/2020 07:29

I think it’s a bit of both; I wouldn’t expect DH to do that but then his parents wouldn’t judge me (or at least not aloud and they’d see DH as equally responsible for any mess). I’d actually be expecting your DH to shut down any criticism of you and not accept his parents saying things about you.

Macncheeseballs · 28/09/2020 07:30

I hate video calls for this reason

Ohalrightthen · 28/09/2020 07:31

YABU - his parents are shitty and toxic, why should he pander to them? My mother bitches at me every single time she sees me without makeup. Do i put a face of slap on every time i see her? Do i fuck. Their judgemental bullshit is their problem, not his.

Porridgeoat · 28/09/2020 07:32

Two questions.

What’s his special needs

What did the parents say to upset you

seayork2020 · 28/09/2020 07:33

@Ohalrightthen

YABU - his parents are shitty and toxic, why should he pander to them? My mother bitches at me every single time she sees me without makeup. Do i put a face of slap on every time i see her? Do i fuck. Their judgemental bullshit is their problem, not his.
This, If someone whinged to me about the state of the place I would offer them to come and help or tell them I have box sets to get through I can only do so many things at once.
mxjones · 28/09/2020 07:34

It's his home and daughter too.

AdoreTheBeach · 28/09/2020 07:36

What do you think would happen if you say to your in laws, if they try to berate you over this incident, “Your son was in charge of the children at that time so I really don’t care what you think and it’s none if your business. I’m not discussing it with you.”

Bluntness100 · 28/09/2020 07:44

Honestly, I get your embarrassment but just own it, there is no point pretending you live different to what you do. It is what it is. You need to stop trying to put on a fake front.