To think the pandemic is putting a lot of strain on marriages?

[StrippyMug]

We're fine really but it was better when we had the odd break from each other a chane to miss each other. Now we both in the same space 24/7, dealing with kids, work, house work its a nightmare.

Speaking to friends I know many feel the same.

Testing times 😢

@QuiltingFlower, that is awful I'm so sorry to here that. I am certainly not wishing DH away only that its an unnatural state for us to be stuck at home together as a family all the time.

@thepeopleversuswork not necessarily! My dp moved in the day after lockdown started and hasn't left! We are moving in a couple of weeks so we have more space ready for winter. I thought it would be much much harder, I've lived alone (well, just DC) for 10 years!

Nope as have been working in office throughout. There are advantages to being a keyworker. DH was furloughed, returned for a month and then took early retirement. He's now doing everything so I can do my job and not worry about anything domestic. The timing couldn't have been better. I used to WFH one day a week but don't anymore as he'd drive me bonkers.

I think it's half and half - some couples I know are getting on each others' nerves, others are loving it. Maybe it depends on personality type (and I imagine children change the dynamic a lot) - my OH and I have really enjoyed it, even with a lot of stress (he's lost his job, we are very screwed financially), and we haven't found it difficult, but we're both homebodies who spend a lot of time together anyway but have our own spaces in the house and are happy to spend 3 nights a week doing our own thing in the house and 'meeting up' at bedtime. But neither of us go out much - whereas the couples I know who are more social or have more leaving-the-house interests than we do have struggled more (e.g. gym goers, big socialisers, etc).

Yes, my marriage is collapsing. March-May was like a holiday, all of us off together lovely weather, quality time and he got all the DIY done that had been being put off for ages. Then our savings started to run out, stress levels rising and were basically sick of the sight of each other. Weve got wildly different standards, I think hes a lazy bastard who drinks too much, he thinks I'm a miserable nag. Its shit.

Both mine and DH parents marriages have broken down over lockdown. Both 40+ years married, however DH and I haven't struggled with it, so it difficult to say.

Good, solid, sound marriages will be fine. Marriages with problems where outside activities were used to detract from problems are probably pretty buggered.

I think that's quite unfair (and smug). I don't think there's anything fundamentally wrong with our relationship, but it wasn't at its best when we were both working in shifts from 6am-10pm six days a week with every 'off' shift being trying to entertain a toddler without actually being able to take him out anywhere. We were constantly in the house but barely seeing each other. A lot of the very smug 'oh we loved it because we're such a great couple' posts are here are from SAHMs, and obviously comparatively that was incredibly easy so obviously you had a nicer time of it!

DH and I both work from home anyway and have always got on great but I was used to school-run chats and lunches with friends, so lockdown did put an extra strain on things because I missed chatting with other people too.

Plus financially it's been very damaging, which is very stressful.

Whilst I agree that marriages already struggling would have found it particularly hard, I don't think finding it hard means your marriage is struggling.

It's just not normal to spend 24/7 with the same person in the same space, however much you love each other. DH retired just over a year ago and, whilst life is good, it took some getting used to being together all the time. In the 40yrs we have been married lockdown was the most time we have spent together in the same space, even counting retirement.

Generally We both have hobbies, friends and individual stuff that we do both in and out of the house. He's a birdwatcher/photographer so spends long days out and I am most definitely someone who likes my own company. So it's been challenging, not bad, not stressful really but definitely challenging. And I've loved having my boys home from uni, they are both fab but, again, it's not normal for teens to be home so much.

Most couples with at least one out at work would spend around 75hrs a week together and that's increased to 168hrs a week for many. Add children and wfh into the mix and even the most placid person would start to feel hemmed in. We are lucky, we have plenty of space to get away from each other when necessary but obviously that's not the case for all. Then you have introverts, extroverts, usual differences in behaviour patterns, optimists, pessimists, night owls, early birds etc etc. So just because you are finding it difficult doesn't mean your marriage is going sour.

I think it's highlighted a lot of pre-existing cracks in relationships that were ticking along ok pre-covid. In basically solid relationships it's probably sparked a lot of conversations. Lockdown with exH would have been miserable. I loved having now-DH around 24/7 though. I can't get enough of him!

If you’re under pressure financially it is hard. If you’re coping with all of this but without financial pressure it’s just easier to see a path forward.

Totally agree that it depends on your relationship. I have loved having DH home more, our children have special needs and life is hard so having him home full time, to help, when schools closed was a lifesaver. I also had to finish my degree during lockdown and couldn’t have done it without him home to care for the children while I did all my work.

We’re very close and together all the time anyway. We have no support with our children so very rarely get to go out together anyway (once every 5 months maybe?) so we had some great family time together. I was sad to see him go back to work, he’s not back to normal full hours yet so we still have some of the extra time for now.

We have loved the slower pace of life and DH and his work partner have decided to finish early on Friday’s now too for more time with family which is lovely. I’m also taking some time out after finishing my degree due to our children’s needs increasing over this year. I’m hoping to try get us all on track and feel less frantic with everything I was juggling before this all happened.

True OP. My DH is WFH in living room and it is driving me insane ! I am never alone and it's horrible. He won't even move to the spare room to work

These are challenging times!
You will have a mixture of all sorts I think. It probably worked ok for staff on furlough, who cannot do any work, so they could have more family time. But they would have been worried about redundancies.
Then for people WFH, it is a organisational nightmare to combine with childcare, and trying to get peace and quiet during the team meetings....
For us, we both have to attend site, though part of my job can be done WFH, and I did that some days. I worked different shifts to maximise the time I spent with my daughter. We had less time together than usual. And we are all more tired than usual. No much in the shape of holidays either, and I cannot see when I will be able to take some. So we are all worn out at home.

Yanbu but it’s really not an easy time to be a single parent - or single without kids - either.

You kind of rely on being able to make plans with people / visit family when you’re on your own, even if only some of the time, and not being able to really makes it hard.

I've found it hard ... we've been married over 30 years but DH has always had the sort of job where he's worked away at least a couple of nights most weeks ... I've calculated we've never spent so much time together ... I miss having the house to myself, DH WFH all the time now (thank goodness I am back at work, outside the house ) ... we were used to having our own evening commitments etc, different circle of friends etc so we only had a couple of nights home together in the past ... now it's just an endless tedious routine of cooking dinner and agreeing what to watch on tv (the Zoom quiz nights have died out!), when DS was home from Uni we also played cards and board games ... but that's stopped now he's returned. And I know I shouldn't complain, we are both well, no financial issues, etc etc.

We've done very well over the Covid period; it's cemented how well matched we are and what good friends we are. However, we both work for the same company, we're both introverts and we have no children. We've got enough space to escape from each other, too. We do know how lucky we are in that regard. I can see how a much busier family lifestyle with a lazy partner would be much more of a strain. I do wonder which of my friends will announce divorce in the coming year...

We have become even closer! Now I’m back at work we really miss each other. We’ll be fabulous at retirement!

I loved having DH home but lockdown hit him very hard! He struggled with his mental health for months and is only just feeling himself again.