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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the pandemic is putting a lot of strain on marriages?

69 replies

StrippyMug · 27/09/2020 17:03

We're fine really but it was better when we had the odd break from each other a chane to miss each other. Now we both in the same space 24/7, dealing with kids, work, house work its a nightmare.

Speaking to friends I know many feel the same.

Testing times 😢

OP posts:

BewilderedDoughnut · 27/09/2020 18:49

That's not my experience. We're thriving. We were best friends before lockdown and now it's next level awesome. It's been lovely.

I think not having kids helps.

formerbabe · 27/09/2020 18:51

I think not having kids helps

Definitely...my dh and I get on much better when the kids are out at school

BeyondsConstantBangingHeadache · 27/09/2020 18:53

DW is my carer and we don't have a massive social life, so being together all the time and at home was fine. Then I'm shielding and the DCs are off school for now, which again is fine - apart from the massive dent it has caused in our sex life. They're older children, so go to bed quite late, so school time was our adult time. 😱

Very much looking forward to the 50:50 care of them starting with ex!!

DaBaDe · 27/09/2020 18:55

My friends used to tell me how lucky I was that DH was home all the time, so much so that I felt I couldn't say when I was feeling depressed not having any 'me' time as he's always in.

Since lockdown they're all asking me for coping techniques!

It is VERY hard living with someone 24/7, even if it's 'mostly' okay, it still gets suffocating and overwhelming.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/09/2020 19:00

I don’t think I could have coped living with someone 24/7. I would have felt so suffocated.

This is why I thought it was so irresponsible when at the start of lockdown Jenny Harries advised people who were dating but living apart to move in together.

All but the most solid of relationships will feel the strain under these circumstances. It was a really reckless and stupid piece of advice.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 27/09/2020 19:06

personally my partner and I have never got on better than during lockdown. working from home, we get to see each other more, so don't mind when we each want to do other stuff separately in the evenings.

we live in a small flat, he works from home in the bedroom and me in the kitchen. it works well.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 27/09/2020 19:06

I loved having DP home during lockdown and so did the children, he usually works away or 12hr days all over the country so gone before we all wake up and home way after bedtime. He still hasnt returned to normal as his industry was badly hit so is currently doing something slightly different and working 3 nights a week locally so is still home lots and i will be so sad when life returns to normal and we hardly see him again.

Prior to having children and him becoming self employed and me a sahm we both worked mon-fri jobs so were both home in the evenings and weekends together and spent all our free time together so its been nice to have that again all be it stuck indoors with 3 children under 5

Kitfish · 27/09/2020 19:07

It's horses for courses - there is no right or wrong.

I have loved the time I have been able to spend with DH and DC - being a little "gang of four". But I think I'm exceptionally lucky with my DH, from what I read on Mumsnet most men don't seem to be as supportive and willing to do their bit (maybe I'm being unfair). DH is the rock on which our family is built; I'd be lost without him.

However, I recognise I am exceptionally lucky. I am also an extrovert so never really crave time alone. Without both of these, I can see how hard being together 24/7 for months could be. Don't feel bad about how you feel.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 27/09/2020 19:08

@thepeopleversuswork

StrippyMug this is a good point. My guess is that a lot of men got away with not pulling their weight around the home much prior to lockdown as they were out working. Now they have been at home for months its become painfully apparent how little they do.

This sums it up.

Whoopsies · 27/09/2020 19:08

My dh is a "key worker" so has worked as normal throughout and I am so glad he has. We love eachother madly but we need the space from eachother!

VictoriaBun · 27/09/2020 19:11

I've been with mine 24/7 since the middle of February .
For the next 6 months to be found under the patio

LaurieFairyCake · 27/09/2020 19:12

Couples therapist - 5 times as many couples requesting as before pandemic

formerbabe · 27/09/2020 19:14

I really crave time alone. What I can't bear is the non stop commentary on what I'm doing.

Frouby · 27/09/2020 19:15

My dh had the first 3 weeks of lockdown at home, then had a week off end of August then the last 2 weeks off.

I don't care about another lockdown and I can cope if they close schools. Just.

But if they stop the construction industry from working I will be living in the shed at the allotment. He drives me absolutely insane. I have had 1.5 weeks since march when dcs at school and dh at work and I am thoroughly peopled out.

LadyCatStark · 27/09/2020 19:23

Whist I don’t doubt that lockdown has tested many couples, I have to admit our relationship has never been better. I think a big part of that is my improved mental health, which is down to my own hard work rather than lockdown to be fair.

likeafishneedsabike · 27/09/2020 19:29

There are a lot of variables - size of the home and garden, number and age of the children, security of jobs and many more factors. If the marriage is under strain, it might just be a combination of factors working against a couple rather than a specific problem with the relationship. Hopefully it’s possible to tell the difference from the inside.
We’ve been okay but have plenty of space from each other.

mrsm43s · 27/09/2020 19:30

I think that the lockdown has exacerbated issues, and allowed no escape from problems, no breathing space.

Good, solid, sound marriages will be fine. Marriages with problems where outside activities were used to detract from problems are probably pretty buggered.

I've freaking loved having my husband around all day, and him me (and we love spending more time with the teenagers too!) But marriages that had cracks before, now have massive chasms.

hm246 · 27/09/2020 19:32

I think at the start of lockdown we had the mindset of ‘this is only temporary’ ‘just a few months’ ‘ lets make the most of spending time together’ Now just doesn’t seem to be an end and the future does look bleak. This has definitely made us snap at each other and just become sick of the sight of each other.

Keepgoing88 · 27/09/2020 19:34

Yes!! My normally level headed husband is like a stroppy grounded teenager at the Mo it sucks!

Porridgeoat · 27/09/2020 19:36

Been great and good fun having DH at home. I work long hours and like to get out and about with family and friends. We don’t live in each other’s pockets despite Covid but our lives are definitely better for him not rushing around

Sunnydaysstillhere · 27/09/2020 19:36

Me and dh both just work pt.. Used to plan our days off to be together... Now we work alternate days!!

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/09/2020 19:49

If you need time alone to re-charge it will be hard.

I like my time alone.

QuiltingFlower · 27/09/2020 19:59

Be careful what you wish for - I’d dearly love Mr Flowers to be around 24/7, but he died.

Original poster

StrippyMug · 27/09/2020 20:03

Yeah I don't think we have any specific issue but going to work, meeting up with different friends, more childcare available provided a natural variety. Its just not natural to be couped up together 24/7 for months on end. Its not how our relationship was established , its not how we chose to live.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 27/09/2020 20:04

Totally agree. DH and I are retired so there's a lot of 'togetherness' anyway. But not being able to just get out on one's own is wearying. And I'm speaking for both of us. I'm sure he's just as in need of 'me time' as I am.

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