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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD elderly grandparent and lockdowns

30 replies

Shoulderballs · 27/09/2020 14:39

My gran is 93. She has her own home and manages quite well - is adamant she doesn’t want to move into any kind of residential care or family as she’s comfortable and secure in her own home.
Since Covid one of the family closer to her gets her shopping, She has other family members and friends popping in most days but she may go two or three days without seeing someone. Those days she spends chatting to friends on the phone.
She thinks the Covid rules are ‘ridiculous’ and anyone who refuses to break them to visit her she is being ‘over the top’.
Basically she wants to stay in her own home and entertain visitors every day for company. I’ve tried explaining that not everyone is happy to break the rules and we are all very wary of visiting and infecting her. She says she doesn’t care and she has to die of something.
I live 35 miles away, having to pass through two counties that are under restrictions (mine and her county are both under restrictions, we are in Wales) and she wants me to go over to her home, she seems determined to have a visitor every day and she gets really short and bitchy when we say we aren’t meant to.
Her needs as much as food etc are being met, she manages her home so these visits are just for company. Would you travel? Im afraid of infecting her but she wants to keep pushing boundaries - she can be quite manipulative and push all the guilt buttons until you give in. Then she assumes that if you visit on a Thursday day then you’ll come every Thursday.

WWYD? Stand firm and don’t break the rules Or visit and hope I don’t get stopped by the police?

OP posts:
Leaannb · 27/09/2020 14:57

Don't break the rules. Every time she asks just tell her that she knows its not allowed and you are unwilling to break the rules. She gets rude and bitchy just end the conversation. Tell her that you will let her go so she can process her feelings over the matter and jang up

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/09/2020 15:00

Tell her it's not her risk that's important, it's the risk to the people she infects between contracting Covid and showing symptoms. OK to kill herself but not OK to kill other people.

rookiemere · 27/09/2020 15:02

At 93 I can certainly understand her desire to live her life in the here and now, but obviously you mustn't compromise your own safety concerns. I would just ignore what she says - you won't change her mind - if you do want to see her, consider a garden visit whilst the weather still allows.

Original poster
Shoulderballs · 27/09/2020 15:07

She can’t get her head around it. She keeps saying ‘but I don’t go anywhere so I won’t catch anything’ but she’s got a different friend in every other day. ‘But they don’t go anywhere so they won’t catch it either’. She totally misses the point that they are going places!
She’s really arsey with me at the moment hence the AIBU. She wants me to do her hair and run the vacuum cleaner around. (Really she just wants someone with her).

She acts daft when it suits her and then will say ‘ah but you can come over to provide help or bring essentials as I’m old’.

Also another one is ‘I’d never do this to my mother....I couldn’t even consider leaving her on her own’...makes me feel so guilty 😔

OP posts:
InTheFamilyTree · 27/09/2020 15:09

Surely if she lives on her own she can form a bubble with your household? So you wouldn't be breaking the rules by visiting. Unless you can't bubble in a local lockdown?

Original poster
Shoulderballs · 27/09/2020 15:14

We are Wales so the bubbles are out under the new restrictions. She’s not sticking to one family anyway, she’s seeing at least 5 different people from 5 different households in her home each week.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 27/09/2020 15:18

I wouldn’t get drawn in particularly when she is trying to emotionally manipulate you to break the rules. I would decline to go round to “provide care” if she can’t be bothered to follow the rules. She wants it both ways Confused

sunglasses123 · 27/09/2020 15:22

I honestly don’t get this reasoning. If they go into hospital and need treatment are they really going to refuse. Are their relatives going to say leave them be, they knew the risks. Very very selfish behaviour especially as the NHS are going to be coming under great pressure in the next few months.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 27/09/2020 15:25

Welfare checks are allowed, OP. But it's up to you whether you go.

Original poster
Shoulderballs · 27/09/2020 15:28

Myself and one or two other family members have tried to explain all this but she won’t listen. Adamant that as she doesn’t leave the house she can’t catch it. Apparently everyone who does come in her home have also assured her that they don’t go anywhere either. Of course they do.
If you refuse to visit then she takes it personally as though you are making excuses not to go. I have two household members that go out to work in factories each day and a DD that goes to school. It will only be a matter of time before it gets into our house and I don’t want to risk her.

When I say this she says she’s happy to take that risk. Never mind I would have to live with it the rest of my life if she caught it.

OP posts:
Abraid2 · 27/09/2020 15:29

I agree about welfare checks and visited my elderly mother during the spring lockdown with no compunction at all: leaving a recently widowed 82-year old alone who'd been treated for blood cancer, who needed occasional help with finances and probate and shopping wasn't going to happen. If I'd been stopped I don't think any police officer would have been concerned.

But if she's seeing lots of people, that's a bit different.

Mintjulia · 27/09/2020 15:32

Explain that if you visited and she got ill, you'd have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life, and you just can't do that.

SheepandCow · 27/09/2020 15:35

Selfish and/stupid people don't all die young.

I'm sorry to say but your gran is being rather selfish. It's not her rsk to take when it involves other people taking risks too.

I do understand however and have sympathy with her attitude. It's a lot harder for the elderly. They have less time left to lose. It seems like she already has an reasonable compromise. Visitors, whilst not daily, but very regularly, and good phone contact at other times.

She's right that we all die of something, but Covid is not a nice way go. It would be much kinder if we allowed people the option of a Dignitas death in the UK.

Purplewithred · 27/09/2020 15:38

Stop trying to 'explain' to her, it's a waste of breath, and she is perfectly entitled to not mind if she does catch it: she clearly understands it could kill her.

She is at risk of getting it from another visitor and of passing it on to you. If you're not happy to take that risk then that's why you don't go. Just treat her like any other competent adult and say no.

sunglasses123 · 27/09/2020 15:38

I agree re Dignitas. It’s selfish to do what you want and expect others to sort out for you or make difficult decisions. If your Gran gets ill who gets priority in hospital?

sunglasses123 · 27/09/2020 15:42

My DM said she wore her care pendant. She lied and when she fell it was only because I was on my way to visit that I found her. Even afterwards she was still saying she was wearing it. In the end her grandson put the fear of God into her saying she could have been lying there for days.

LiveFromHome · 27/09/2020 15:49

We are still seeing my DH grandparents who are in their late 80's. We know the risks, they know the risks and we've all talked about and accepted them.

If you're not happy to take the risk then don't see her.

If DH and I stick strictly to the 'roolz' then two elderly people that we love will be living a thoroughly miserable existence and their mental and physical health will rapidly decline - I'd never forgive myself if one of DH grandparents died and we'd stopped them seeing us or their great-grandchildren in their final months. We choose the risk of catching or transmitting covid to them over that, and so do they.

SBTLove · 27/09/2020 15:52

I think if she’s having visitors 5 days a week then she’s hardly lonely, don’t fall for her manipulating. She sounds all there and then some!

sunglasses123 · 27/09/2020 16:05

So all those who are saying it’s their (and your choice). Are you going to be at the back of queue if treatments are restricted?

HoboSexualOnslow · 27/09/2020 16:10

She sounds very manipulative.
'Also another one is ‘I’d never do this to my mother....I couldn’t even consider leaving her on her own’...makes me feel so guilty' she's not your mother though, is she? She's got people in every day, what if you or one of your household get ill? Will they get sick pay? Just keep saying no.

cptartapp · 27/09/2020 16:19

She's chosen to stay in her own home. Now she must live with the consequences of that, even if that means a 'miserable existence' on her own.That's her choice.
Older people can become very selfish and demanding as they age and this seems a prime example of that. Covid aside, she sounds selfish and demanding. Hasn't she 'saved all her life' to buy in care? As we should. She shouldn't be relying on others. I'd throw back 'I wouldn't do that to my family'.

Mindymomo · 27/09/2020 16:23

Such a difficult dilemma for you, I’m sorry I don’t have any suggestions as to what’s right and wrong in your situation.

yoyo1234 · 27/09/2020 16:38

Also another one is ‘I’d never do this to my mother....I couldn’t even consider leaving her on her own’...makes me feel so guilty 😔

Your quote above demonstrates the level of manipulation you are being subjected to. Do what you feel happy with.

LiveFromHome · 27/09/2020 16:51

So all those who are saying it’s their (and your choice). Are you going to be at the back of queue if treatments are restricted?

No.

If we're going to play "who is more deserving of treatment" Top Trumps then I can give you a list of people I and my DH grandparents should be ahead of in the imaginary queue, if you like.

saraclara · 27/09/2020 17:18

If you're not allowed to travel (to the point that the police will stop you) then you have to make that clear.

"Gran, if the police stop me, I'm going to be fined £x. I don't have the money. I'm sorry. You have people who can visit you who live near, so are allowed to drive to you. I'm not. I know it's annoying and sounds stupid, but it won't stop the police from fining me if I break the rule."