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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When you and your partner think differently about Covid!

38 replies

Hedgyhoggy · 26/09/2020 19:14

My DH has been very anxious about Covid. We haven’t been to shops just done click and collect not been out for meals, not been into other people’s houses etc. Today I went out with my dsis her dd, myself and dd and ds shared a car (not done that so far) and went out to an outdoor market. Non of us are in an at risk group, my ds and dn both have LDs though. We wore masks and went to an outdoor cafe. Dh has gone mad with me saying I’ve gone behind his back and I’ve been irresponsible. I knew he’d be like that so yes I didn’t discuss it with him but I’m sick of what I feel as basically controlled and we have previously discussed that I wouldn’t knowingly put our kids at risk, but that we can’t carry on living in isolation. Yes I perhaps could see his point about the sharing of cars but my kids all go to school (My eldest is in a bubble of 200) and I haven’t done anything against government guidelines.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hedgyhoggy · 26/09/2020 19:25

Aibu and what do I do?

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 26/09/2020 19:29

What’s an LD

Original poster
Hedgyhoggy · 26/09/2020 19:32

Learning disability (never on the shielding group)

OP posts:
Original poster
Hedgyhoggy · 26/09/2020 20:37

Anyone?

OP posts:
DahliaGardener · 26/09/2020 21:06

"I knew he'd be like that so yes I didn't discuss it with him"

MayIJustAsk · 26/09/2020 21:08

YANBU OP. Is you DH suffering with anxiety about the whole thing? You have done nothing wrong I've been here there and everywhere (with a mask and social distancing but for example I've been to Thorpe park you cannot social distance there)

DDiva · 26/09/2020 21:09

YANBU to want to do this.

However you should have spoken to him and explained how you feel first.

MayIJustAsk · 26/09/2020 21:09

If his anxiety and fear is that bad I think he should seek help

Ohalrightthen · 26/09/2020 21:10

So, you knew your partner wouldnt be comfortable with the risk you were putting your kids at, so you did it anyway and didn't tell him. And now you're pissed off that he's pissed off? Thats pretty fucking rich. I'd be livid if my partner deliberately did something we'd previously discussed me not being comfortable with, and hid it from me.

You agreed you wouldn't put your kids at unnecessary risk. You then put your kids at unnecessary risk. I'd be fucking fuming if i were your DH.

SecretOfChange · 26/09/2020 21:12

Is he controlling/unreasonable generally? is this why you're afraid to discuss things with him (which in a healthy relationship would be the right thing to do).

katy1213 · 26/09/2020 21:14

He can't impose his ridiculous level of anxiety on you. I'd refuse to discuss it, too. Perhaps if he sees you getting back into life more or less as normal, he'll calm down.

Duggeehugs82 · 26/09/2020 21:14

@Ohalrightthen

So, you knew your partner wouldnt be comfortable with the risk you were putting your kids at, so you did it anyway and didn't tell him. And now you're pissed off that he's pissed off? Thats pretty fucking rich. I'd be livid if my partner deliberately did something we'd previously discussed me not being comfortable with, and hid it from me.

You agreed you wouldn't put your kids at unnecessary risk. You then put your kids at unnecessary risk. I'd be fucking fuming if i were your DH.

But it want the op opinion on how to do things, just her husband, what a unessassery rude reply. She didnt put him at unessassery risk what an over dramatic response
Amanduh · 26/09/2020 21:15

But you have gone against government guidelines..? You’ve been in close contact and shared a car with people you don’t live with..

Duggeehugs82 · 26/09/2020 21:16

@katy1213

He can't impose his ridiculous level of anxiety on you. I'd refuse to discuss it, too. Perhaps if he sees you getting back into life more or less as normal, he'll calm down.
I agree with this
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 26/09/2020 21:17

It's hard OP and neither of you is 'wrong' as such and I can understand needing human contact...but surely outdoors would have been better than in a very small enclosed space in a car?

My husband is a lot more cautious than me. He doesn't want the kids going to play parks yet. Yea they are in large bubbles at school...but this is surely more of a reason to not mix as if 3 people in bubbles of 100 mix then that's 300 connections and if everyone in the bubble does it that's 10,000.

Anyway we discuss it. If I was adamant that we needed to do it, I'd tell him. I wouldnt do it behind his back and if I did do it, I would try and minimise the risks he was concerned about eg go first thing in the morning.

Going in a car with other people, to a market, seems like yoube thought 'ah fuck it, I've done one thing he doesnt like so I may as well do them all'

vanillandhoney · 26/09/2020 21:25

My parents have similar issues in that my mum has been out plenty but dad has barely left the house since March as he's so worried.

However he would never try and stop her and she always discusses her plans with him. He may voice his disapproval but his worry/paranoia is his issue to deal with and he knows that.

I think YABU not to discuss it but I totally get that it's easier to just do things and worry about his feelings afterwards. I hope you manage to sort things out and that he realises he doesn't get to control your life just because he's anxious.

Thanks for you as I know it can't be easy. My mum and dad argue a lot about it. She's been out with friends and comes to mine for coffee but he won't even get a takeaway coffee or sit in the park. It's hard for them both but in different ways.

Ohalrightthen · 26/09/2020 21:26

@Duggeehugs82 you can't social distance in a car, it's against government guidelines, therefore it's an unnecessary risk. Though I'm not entirely surprised that you can't recognise that, seeing as you can't spell it.

Regardless, OP and her husband agreed that she wouldn't put their children at additional risk. She then did so. If you and your partner had agreed to a set of boundaries, and he broke them on purpose without telling you, would you just shrug and let him get on with it without saying a word? I wouldn't. I don't think many people would.

vanillandhoney · 26/09/2020 21:27

@Amanduh

But you have gone against government guidelines..? You’ve been in close contact and shared a car with people you don’t live with..
None of what OP has done is against the guidelines. You can still share a car and go out with other people. The guidelines advise people to take extra precautions like wearing masks, opening windows and maintaining distance but it's not illegal to do what OP did today.
vanillandhoney · 26/09/2020 21:30

you can't social distance in a car, it's against government guidelines, therefore it's an unnecessary risk.

No, it's not. The guidelines says you should try not to, but you can do so if necessary.

See attached image from here: www.gov.uk/guidance/coronavirus-covid-19-safer-travel-guidance-for-passengers#private-cars-and-other-vehicles

When you and your partner think differently about Covid!
Amanduh · 26/09/2020 21:32

@vanillandhoney Well, you are wrong. Nobody said it was illegal. It is still against government guidelines, which explicitly say try not to share a car with people you don’t live with, keep windows open, and stay 2m apart. She said she isn’t going against ‘guidelines.’ She is.

Amanduh · 26/09/2020 21:33

Yes, guidelines. Nobody is talking about the law. We are talking about guidelines, don’t share unless you need to.

vanillandhoney · 26/09/2020 21:34

[quote Amanduh]@vanillandhoney Well, you are wrong. Nobody said it was illegal. It is still against government guidelines, which explicitly say try not to share a car with people you don’t live with, keep windows open, and stay 2m apart. She said she isn’t going against ‘guidelines.’ She is.[/quote]
She isn't going against the guidelines!

They say "try not to" which is not the same as "you can't".

I wish people would stop making up their own interpretations to make people feel bad. OP is allowed to share a car with up to six people - it may not be advised but that doesn't mean she's not allowed to do it!

Ohalrightthen · 26/09/2020 21:34

@vanillandhoney

you can't social distance in a car, it's against government guidelines, therefore it's an unnecessary risk.

No, it's not. The guidelines says you should try not to, but you can do so if necessary.

See attached image from here: www.gov.uk/guidance/coronavirus-covid-19-safer-travel-guidance-for-passengers#private-cars-and-other-vehicles

How on earth does "lunch with my sister and her kids" qualify as necessary?
vanillandhoney · 26/09/2020 21:38

I didn't say it qualified as necessary.

The guidance says to avoid it. I can't believe we're at the point of bullying and shaming people for sharing a car with their sister and children who have learning disabilities.

Christ. Is this really what Covid is making us to do propel? It's really shameful how some people are behaving Sad

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/09/2020 21:39

Lunch with her sister is hardly necessary, so yes it is against the guidelines.

OP, I do think he's being a bit OTT however you did both agree not to put the kids at risk and you have done that behind his back so I can see why he's angry.

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