To feel irritated with my friend (and also want to help her)?

[PennyCrayon85]

My friend is utterly obsessed with coronavirus. It is all she thinks about, worries about, talks about.

She’s very vocal on social media about people breaking the rules. Fine. I mean I might inwardly roll my eyes a bit, the whole social media ranting thing isn’t for me, but ok.

It’s now getting to the stage where she is sending me long ranting messages every time anyone who comes into contact with her does anything (whether or not it’s within the rules).

Example - she works in a small office. She manages a couple of younger women. One of them is 24/25ish. The girl went out for dinner with her boyfriend (which as far as I can tell is within the rules) and my friend ranted and raved about how she’s a selfish idiot, how dare she socialise when she has to share an office at work and put her in danger etc.

My friend is usually a clever and completely rational human being. But this whole thing has made her go to pieces. She’s a bit overweight - I think that’s why she’s so scared (although she’s never actually told me that) and it makes me feel sad and worried that she’s so anxious. But it’s getting to the point that I just cant hear it any more. It’s hard to listen to her being so irrational and angry and to be honest so obsessive about it all.

“I just told her she was an idiot and I certainly wouldn’t be sitting near her so she should damn well work from home” was the most recent rant about this colleague. I gently reminded her that she is this girls manager and needs to be careful how she speaks to/about her. It did not go down well.

I want to help her. I also want to make it stop....

I would gently remind her that she could get into trouble at work if she tells the girl off. And ask her why she is so worried about it.

I think you did the right thing.

I asked her once. “IT COULD KILL ME!” Came the response so I didn’t push it. Also she lives alone and she’s so angry that she can’t see her parents (they live far away and her mum has a heart condition so she’s scared to see them) yet people are flouting their rules left right and centre. Which I get - I’m in a similar position - but you can’t control what other people do.

Sounds like she is just generally "holier than thou" and this is giving her an outlet for it.

Bullying an employee like that is not acceptable.

I had a friend who went on and on about how she hated her work. In time I realised it was hiat her being an energy vampire. She liked being miserable and more importantly, she liked making other people miserable by being miserable.

Help yourself. Create some distance between you.

*just her way of being

I was just about to post about her being a vampire. If you lay down some firm boundaries she'll have a choice; respect your opinion and change the way she talks to you, or have a melt down that will probably be bad enough to end the friendship.

She’s not usually a vampire though. She’s usually funny and smart and approachable. She’s just worked herself up into a total tizz over this. Cries about it a lot etc.

The covid situation has really brought some people's anxieties to the fore. My mum is one. It's insufferable listening to it. I've had to tell her to stop. I told her she can only control what she does and to stop looking at what others are doing as she can't control it and it's only causing her unnecessary stress.

She still starts to complain when she sees someone "breaking the rules" or watches everyone to see if they're sanitizing their hands/keeping a safe distance 🙄 but she usually catches herself now and controls her response to a degree. Just tell your friend OP as she's not going to stop otherwise.

Could you tell her you're feeling anxious/depressed/fed up with anything to do with Corona so you would appreciate if she could not mention it? Every time she brings it up, remind her you don't want to talk about it.

How about the technique my friend uses on me.
When I have droned on long enough on any particular subject my friend uses the word “anyway....”
Always said with a big smile - “anyway, ....how is the gym/yoga class/that new recipe/latest book”...we both smile and happily acknowledge it’s time to move the conversation onwards!

The great thing is that you can use it to interrupt mid-sentence.

Now using it with success myself 😂

@SynchroSwimmer haha I like that one but I think you need to have an element of self awareness for that to work, which by the sounds of it op's friend doesn't have at the moment.

I will be trying that out on DH next time he is droning on about crap!

I think if it's text messages then just stop responding to them. Presumably you aren't seeing her in person at the moment? It's very hard to redirect or take the conversation in a productive direction over messages.

Imagine posting somewhere about people doing things that bother you......

Sorry, just realised I sent that before I meant to! I was going to go on to say that if you really want to check she's ok I'd ring or do a video chat, as it's much easier to have a gentle chat about how she's feeling that way. By message all she wants is validation that she's in the right - which you absolutely should not give - and she's just going to react to anything else with anger.

I haven’t really said much about how I feel. I don’t want to fall out with her. I think I’m just going to either stop responding or try to change the subject. I don’t think she’s in a place to be told how unreasonable she is being if I’m honest.

So tell her, from me...
I work as a 1-1 in Primary.
The child I work with, isn't in all day yet , (reduced timetable)
Due to this, I've have been in YR, Yr1, Yr2, Yr3, yr4 & in last few weeks back at school..
At least 25+ children, and a teacher!!

She's scared. People are irrational and selfish when they are scared. I don't know what you can do other than be there for her though (whilst limiting contact to take care of your own state of mind also cos it can get a bit much)

I think it’s just getting to the stage where I’m finding it harder and harder not to be like “oh my god STOP you’re being ridiculous” - and nothing good will come from that.

Got messages from her tonight. Advocating lockdown again. She feels “vindicated” - she was right. It was getting worse.

Urgh.

I feel sorry for your friend. She's clearly experiencing a real fear and anxiety. You remark she isn't normally like this, so it's obvious that Covid19, lockdown, living alone, worry over her parents and her own health is getting to her. Yes, she's being a bit annoying but you can surely understand why?
It's relentlessly depressing to hear numbers everyday, and the media is very very negative. There are social media posts of poor nurses and doctors with mask marks all over them. Continued evidence of risks of socialising and yet news stories every single day of large gatherings of people. The government are giving people licence to dob people in.
In your shoes I would say that all talk of Covid19 is off the cards for you as it is damaging your mental health. Say how much you enjoy speaking with her but return to the topics you did before this started in the hope of a bit of normality.

I have a couple of friends like this OP. Just so terrified of covid to the point it is completely irrational. What is quite strange is they are not people I would have expected to behave like this, like your friend.

I don't really know what you can do other than try to reduce contact for a bit. And every time the conversation goes in the direction of covid, try and take it somewhere else. For example, with the situation at work, keep engagement to an absolutement minimum when she's ranting about her colleague. Just say "oh wow really" and then ask her about something completely unrelated. I wouldn't bother telling she she's being unprofessional and needs to be careful (even though she is and does), just brush over it and move the conversation on.

Covid is really hitting certain people hard psychologically. Anyone with anxiety, or obsessive tendencies, or who tends to be a very rule focused person. I noticed a lot of people's anxiety went way up when masks started to be mandated here.

I also think that people who are cutting themselves off from close family, especially ones who are elderly, are suffering. There is a sort of tension between not seeing them because you might make them sick, and the possibility they could suffer from some other illness and significantly deteriorate or die, and they will have missed that time. These individuals are focusing on oly the former possibility but I think often are subconsciously stressed out by the latter.

In a few years it will be interesting to look at all the data on these behavioural elements, I think we will learn a lot about group behaviour. In the meantime, OP, I would tend to not challenge her much, but talk about other things and try and just model reasonable responses yourself. Which is a drag in a friendship but she may well need the support. I do think you were right to caution her about her subordinate though, and I might have been even a little stronger and said that she was within the direction of the authorities and is not required to do more.

I think you need to tell her that while you agree with her, others may not, and in a working environment, her opinions are strictly opinions. She is in danger of appearing unprofessional and could potentially end up with complaints made against her if she doesn’t let up. The government gets to set the tone and make decisions for the masses, right or wrong, not her.

I think you need to tell her that while you agree with her

But it doesn't sound like OP does agree with her? I think she can be non-confrontional without doing anything to confirm or fuel the friend

Yeah. It’s just soul destroying. But I’m worried about her too. She seems very down and depressed. Everything is negative.

I suggested she work from home if she feels so strongly about others and what they do. “But why should I? Why should I be the one that’s isolated?!”

She just can’t see how unreasonable she’s being.