Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage stepchildren arrangements?

26 replies

Coffeeandpie · 26/09/2020 18:13

Posting here for traffic.

Before the inevitable Mumsnet stepmum flaming let me say the following:
I have a great relationship with my stepkids and their mother, I was never the OW, met long after DH and his ex separated. They have bedrooms at our house, they are very much part of the family and I generally just keep my nose out and try to be the stepmother I'd want my children to have.

I have two DC 3&1yo and two DSC 8&9. They currently come to us 2 out of 3 weekends, Friday after school to school on Monday. Split school holidays - half terms here, half of Easter and summer hols, alternate Christmases. They live with their mum 25 miles away and she and DH share a rota for all the arrangements.
I'm just wondering how feasible/likely to continue this will be as they grow into teens and want to do their own thing on weekends with their own friends!
So those of you with teenagers, or teenage DC, what is their contact like with their non resident parent? I wouldn't expect say a 15 year old to spend 2/3 weekends away from friends but also I do want them to keep coming over, I love them and want my kids to have a relationship with their siblings!
I'm really just being nosey as I know this won't be a concern for a number of years.

OP posts:
Ireallywantsomechips · 26/09/2020 18:49

I don’t have any SC but you sound like a great stepmum op!

I hated going to my dads every other weekend as a teen because there was no flexibility (because of my awful stepmum) I missed out on so many events I felt were important then. Looking back now as an adult I feel like they were important and I should have been allowed to go to them

I think just being flexible as to when they are with you is fine!

Original poster
Coffeeandpie · 30/09/2020 18:53

@Ireallywantsomechips thank you! Just bumping this post in case anyone else comes along with some insight x

OP posts:
fairlygoodmother · 30/09/2020 19:01

I have two teenagers. I think it’s hard to answer your question because they are all different. For example, my 16 year old daughter would, in her ideal world, spend all weekends at her friends’ houses and wouldn’t care if she never saw us. My son’s weekends revolve around football matches and playing online computer games with his friends, he would be happy wherever he was as long as someone drove him to the football.

I’d say you’ll be okay if you are flexible, willing to do a lot of ferrying them around and happy for them to invite their friends to your house. 25 miles isn’t so far that you have to be rigid about a 2-night weekend.

AnathemaPulsifer · 30/09/2020 19:12

I have two teenagers who have always spent alternate weekends happily at their dad’s provided they get driven back for their friends’ parties.

Kanaloa · 30/09/2020 19:14

I think it just depends. It’s possible you might not see as much of them when they are teens. Teenagers sometimes just want to be in their room or with their friends. Some teenagers might be more likely to spend time with family. I think as long as they know they’re always welcome with you then you’ll have a good relationship.

Potterpotterpotter · 30/09/2020 19:17

Teenage DSD here and it didn’t change ... she still comes over for time

Wordofwarning · 30/09/2020 19:27

Really interesting to read this - I know of adults who think their father didn’t love them as he didn’t force them to come to his for the weekend as teens - he wanted them to be able to choose and they always chose the party. This was apparently his fault 🤦‍♀️

daisyjgrey · 30/09/2020 19:36

This is interesting, I am step mum to a 12 year old boy and an 8 year old boy, with a 10 year old girl myself. I've started to wonder how it's all going to shift and change in the next few years.

rosegoldivy · 30/09/2020 19:36

Pre teen DSD here who has just went to high school. Her new high school is in the middle of our house and her mums, a lot of her new school friends (including her new wee boyfriend) live around the area we stay so along with her set days we have when her mum is working, we have agreed DSD can come whenever she wants as long as we know by lunchtime. Kinda set an open door policy type thing. I mean, we know we are totally being used just so she can hang about with her wee boyfriend but as long as everyone is happy then were happy to do whatever 😊

Pebblexox · 30/09/2020 19:39

For me personally, I think as they get older just have an open invitation for them however don't force it on them. Also it's definitely something that will need discussing with their mum too.

ShinyGreenElephant · 30/09/2020 19:45

My DD stopped wanting to go to her dads about a year ago as he wont let her meet up with friends, hes not seeing her at all at the moment for other reasons but I know it will be a battle in the future. She loves him but she wants to be with her mates, I facilitate that and he wont. Similarly, DSD has started refusing to visit because we don't have consoles and she would rather spend weekends on fortnite with online friends. Hard to know how much to force the issue on either side!

movingonup20 · 30/09/2020 19:46

As they get older flexibility is key, they might want to change arrangements to suit their lives. But they will be able to travel by themselves potentially so it will be different. It will change but it will be fine with a positive attitude

Potterpotterpotter · 30/09/2020 19:52

An open door policy would work maybe if you lived close to each other or if you aren’t busy on the weekends but we live an hour away from DSD so it’s not an option for us as she needs collecting and dropping back and we are not willing to change plans last minute if she decides she want to come on a whim

FiveGoMadInDorset · 30/09/2020 19:58

My nephews spent 50/50 when their parents split, still now do 50/50 but they drive, parents though only live 3 miles away so a lot easier. And it got a lot more flexible as they got older.

LindaEllen · 30/09/2020 20:05

My partner's son has basically had his social life ruined because of exactly this issue. His mum walked out on him when he was a baby, and only started proper contact proceedings when he was 6 (popping in and out from time to time before then). She fought for custody but my partner was awarded it due to her behaviour. So, she gets 3/4 weekends and half holidays and alternate Christmases.

He is 17 now, and although we say he can do his own thing, she makes him stick to the arrangements. He doesn't want to be there, all his friends are here, they do hobbies at the weekend that he's never been able to join in with, not to mention he has a much cushier existence here haha.

I don't know what will happen when he's 18, but it's the guilt she puts on him that makes him carry on going.

All I can say is that yes, he WANTS to stay for weekends here as his mates are here.

But as they get older, particularly when they can drive, it will get easier. They'll be able to come and go as they please, just make sure they know your door is always open, and arrange nice family days out with all of you when you can :).

Catforaheadrest · 30/09/2020 20:12

I’ve got 3 x tween DSC. the youngest, SDS12 has announced he is no longer coming over on our weekday as he wants to see his friends after school more Sad we knew it would come, but it’s sooner than we expected. And has led to some odd tensions at weekends. Their weekends are dictated by hobbies and sports, so it’s not toooo bad in terms of them wanting to see friends instead, but we’ve had to invest in some gaming-tech recently to keep up with what they have at their DM’s house.

I suspect that this summer was our last family holiday as well Sad Some chats with OH and the SDCs post holiday has revealed that actually no one got much out of the holiday (apart from me!).

I’m always willing to facilitate lifts-for-friends outside of Covid restrictions.

doodleygirl · 30/09/2020 20:14

As they get older it changes but in my experience if you have a good family set up they will still want to see you but it will be on their terms Grin

I have had it from both sides. As DSS got older he stayed over less but him and DH still did lots of things together and they also had boys weekends away.

My DD stopped staying over at her dad's when she was about 15 but she saw him loads and they would talk all the time. She is now 26 and still very close to him.

My advice would be do your best to facilitate their needs which includes picking them up from parties, having friends round and basically being the taxi driver. It doesnt sound so lovely but you can have some fantastic chats in the car and learn so much from listening to them talking to their friends. I miss those times.

doodleygirl · 30/09/2020 20:15

We also found everyone wanted to come on holiday even when they reached their late teens.

longcoffee · 30/09/2020 20:20

As well as social lives, don't forget to factor in the potential for Saturday/holiday jobs. My DSD15 has a great little job that she absolutely loves and has really helped her blossom - Friday nights are homework, Saturday is work 9-5 and she wants to see friends/boyfriend sat PM.

I think it's best to work on the assumption that you shouldn't expect them to stop doing anything that they would be allowed to do if your DH and their mum were together, and just go with the flow.

Cocomarine · 30/09/2020 20:26

Mine is 12, but we’re already flexible about weekends - if something specific is planned at dad’s, she goes. If there’s some social thing with her friends, we fit around it. So the loose plan might be she’s going to dad on Sunday, but then she gets a text about going out with a friend that day - so I text and ask if she can pop over Saturday instead. Works really well.

NerdyBird · 30/09/2020 20:44

My DSDs always go for their contact EOW at their mum's, but as she is fairly close by they are still able to meet up with friends when there. They are 15 and nearly 13.
As you are further away you might have to be flexible about it and do more running round to fit in.

NandosPeriometer · 30/09/2020 20:55

I have 2 teens

The 17yo has a part-time job on Saturdays so generally only sees her Dad on Sundays.

Her younger brother isn't on sports teams and socialize through gaming headset rather than in person so sees his Dad regularly at weekends.

It depends on their commitments really. If they are sporty or do time consuming hobbies like drama then I'd expect to see them less than average

Kayjay2018 · 30/09/2020 21:00

@Coffeeandpie my DS is now 16 1/2 and up until September we have had really good arrangements in place (every other weekend - but we were always flexible and chopped and changed as needed) split holidays etc. My son has always wanted to go to his dads so no issue.
He's been successful at getting a part time job which means he now work every Saturday afternoon/ evening. Both me and his dad have agreed we need to get him through his probation period before he talks to his manager about shifts so in the mean time his dad is piping over every other weekend and taking him out for breakfast and lunch before his shift. This probably isn't ideal long term so we are just going with the flow and will try a few bits out.

EachPeachPearSums · 30/09/2020 21:09

I have two SDC 13/17. I thought by now they wouldn't want to come EOW but they do almost religiously. We've always been flexible but they have mostly always chosen to come. They have a bedroom each here and same as you two younger half siblings. We do let them brings friends for the weekend occasionally which makes for a very full house but I think it helps make it feel like home.

Rosebel · 30/09/2020 21:25

My SD is 19 now and at uni so obviously not seeing her much. In her younger teen years it really depended. Some weekends she was happy to come to us. We only live about 7 miles from her though so was easy to drop her round to friends etc.
If she decided she didn't want to come round then my husband would pick her up from school one day in the week and they'd go shopping /see a film /go bowling and have a meal. Maybe that's something that would work further down the line for your partner. Or maybe you could all meet up in the week.

Swipe left for the next trending thread