Help me understand fight with DH

[Suziee37]

I’m not looking for sympathy and not looking for usual nastiness towards the OP’s that AIBU is known for. I’m simply looking to understand how I can react differently and maybe some outsider insight into our relationship.

I always feel DH is never bothered by anything and just leaves me to deal with any situations. Been married for 12 years and we have kids.

Latest incident - car blocks my driveway and I saw from my window the lady getting out of car. I open outside door and don’t even have a chance to ask her she just starts talking to me in aggressive tone telling me she’s only parking for 30 minutes as they having work done and not to worry that she’s leaving her car there all day! she doesn’t even stop she just says this as she’s walking to her house so I didn’t get a chance to even reply! I don’t know her she lives about 6 or 7 doors down from me.

I got really annoyed as she could have simply just said “do you mind if we park here?” Rather than telling me she’s parking across my driveway! Of course I would be understanding and say it’s fine and I’ll knock on her door if we need to get out. I’m just annoyed that DH never gives a crap about anything. This car has previously blocked us in (we never knew whose car it was on those occasions until today when I saw her getting out).

I’m really struggling to explain why this situation bothered me so much I think it’s because he makes me feel I make a big deal of situations. I know it sounds awful but he is a bit of a “wimp” in general which I only learnt over the years. I used to think he was a lovely guy but I’ve noticed he’s actually scared of confrontation, even when we are 100% in the right. He encourages me to be more like him and in early days I would avoid conflicts but since having kids I realise I can’t let people walk over us. The woman moved her car in the end and I wanted to go outside and tell her that next time if she can actually let us know as we didn’t know which house car belongs to previous occasions. DH made me feel I’m crazy and trying to start a fight. He was actually laughing at my annoyance at her and he called me “crazy”. Sorry if my post doesn’t read well I’m typing whilst running after my toddlers!

Please be kind and give me advice please. I feel shit at the moment, I know I need to be assertive but having a non-confrontational DH who wants me to be a doormat is affecting my sense of reality!

I’m afraid I’m with your dh on this one. If you want to fight these battles then go ahead, my view is that life is too short and you should only get wound up if it actually causes you a problem (like you need to get your car out).

If you want to drop her a note or knock on her door that’s fine. But it’s also fine if he doesn’t. You’re an adult and can fight your own battles.

I think you’re a bit off saying “ I used to think he was a lovely guy but I’ve noticed he’s actually scared of confrontation”. Does this make him not a lovely guy?

Does he have your back on the important stuff or does he placate others at your expense on everything?

My first piece of advice is to ask Mumsnet to move this to Relationships, where its less of a bunfight.

So your DH dislikes confrontation, wants you to be more like him, and has called you crazy for dealing with a situation.
It sounds like he is passive aggressive, and dislikes you being assertive. Can he explain why? How does it make him feel? Does he feel your behaviour reflects on him in some way?
When you speak to him is he upset by you being assertive? Do you find yourself apologising when you aren't really sorry?

I don't think there's an easy fix for this, because its not possible to force someone else to be assertive.

@peakotter thank you for your insight. If it was just this incident I would agree life is too short but unfortunately there have been so many things over the years that have just been building up and his reaction is always let it go. He’s never bothered about anything.

@BoyTree no he never has my back. Even in the shittiest of examples in out 12 years together.

@Thelnebriati thank you for your advice. I think the issue is me as I am not an assertive person generally but when I try to be he makes me feel embarrassed that I’m overacting. I do get made to feel like I should apologise when people actually are in the wrong. I think he does try to control me as he wants an easy life so makes me feel I should just put up with stuff.

He'd drive me nuts! We wouldn't have lasted 12 years & kids! Not sure what advice would help, but I'd probably say 'crazy? nope, I'm just not a wet wimp'.

I'd be very tempted to have her towed away if she's parked (illegally) there again!

This is just one of many instances isn’t it?

Firstly the woman is taking the piss big time. No one should block your access incase you need to get out in an emergency- what are supposed to do ram her car out of the way? This needs dealing with, if she comes again go out and tell her to move it immediately.

Have you posted about him before OP as this sounds familiar?

He shouldn’t have laughed at you. In effect your having to shoulder the burden of sticking up for both of you while he sits back and let’s you deal with everything. I’d be pissed too.

But what are you going to do? His passiveness is leaving frustrated. He isn’t likely to change.

I just remembered something that might be useful in people giving me advice - I always defend him in any situation but one time something happened when my family came to visit eldest and I was a bit out of it so didn’t know what was going on. After they left he started having a go at me as I didn’t defend him when my sister said something to him. I didn’t actually know what was going on only what he told me.

I can’t express how I’m feeling right now and my anxiety councelling in past said to label feelings! I just don’t know how to label the annoyance I feel towards him, I think it’s frustration.

@Codexdivinchi yes I have posted about him numerous times under different username. I think your username sounds familiar and you e given me useful advice before

He seems to have no trouble telling you what you should/shouldn’t do, which presumably risks conflict?

Why on earth didnt you tell her to do one? She is blocking your drive.

I wonder if part of your anxiety is caused by feeling like you are piggy in the middle, caught between the outside world, and the way your DH wants you to do things?

Reality doesn't go away just because he doesn't like it, and some things need dealing with. Having kids gave me a wake up call, because I realised that my not being an assertive parent would not only make my life more stressful in the long run, it could rebound on to them.

I would find your husband deeply unattractive. Living with a passive doormat would be untenable.

I am a hot head and dh is very non confrontational. He often laughs at me when I’m getting wound up and has, on occasion, told me after the fact that I overreacted. The thing is, it’s always after the fact. If I was actually having a word with someone, he would 100% back me up, even if he does think I’m overreacting. He always has my back and we always keep a united front.

I have a feeling that this might be the proverbial straw, ie, that there have been a number of other incidents that you have let slip but it is often a minor one which gets under your skin. You want to be a team with your DH but unfortunately he was not in your corner when you needed him.

So tell him, in the great scheme of things you are not feeling chipper at the moment and just a little support will make all the difference. That to him it may seem a foolish, insignificant thing but to you at the moment it is big. You have his back albeit he doesn't always realise, so a bit of reciprocation is in order.

Now please, find some time to do something utterly selfish for yourself, be it an indulgent cream cake, a long soaky bath or reading a book. Why, because sometimes you don't just deserve it, you need it.

Blocking someone's driveway is literally a no-no - it's against the Highway Code.

I have trouble with confrontation sometimes but then I moved to a country with more guns than people and got a lot less willing to get into an argument. My husband usually deals with things. He's six-foot, broad built and although he's a teddy bear, people find him intimidating until he opens his mouth. Then this English accent comes out and it completely derails whomever he is confronting. It's pretty funny. Still, I get scared that he'll get shot. Concealed carry licenses are cheap and easy to get here in ruby red Tennessee.

Laughing at you is not a nice thing to do. Blocking the driveway without even asking is rude, arrogant, and as I noted above, against the HC, so no wonder you were upset. But you two need to talk about this - communication problems kill more marriages than anything else IMO.

I know it sounds awful but he is a bit of a “wimp” in general

This is the root of the problem. One woman's wimp could be another's sensitive soul, but if you think he's a wimp (and I'd probably feel the same, I like assertive though not aggressive men) then that's what it comes down to. There'll be a history of instances in which you feel, rightly or wrongly, that he's wimpy and you can't rely on him to square up to a situation, and he doesn't have your back. I really don't know any woman who would find that feeling attractive. I'd also be put off by him complaining about not being defended against your sister. Stand up for yourself, you're a grown man.

Women generally like to feel supported and protected and he gives you the opposite feeling.

I’m wish you, I would be annoyed! CFs really piss me off!

With not wish

I would knock on that woman’s door tomorrow and explain in no uncertain terms that my drive is not her personal back-up space and that she is never to do that again.

That woman was so wrong and irritating god knows how you kept your cool as well as you did. Ranting on at you about how she was only going to be half an hour, you could’ve needed to go somewhere in 10 minutes, so bloody rude.

She regularly does this and this is the first time you’ve said anything right? That’s under reacting not overreacting.

Dp can be a bit like this never backing me up, because I can take care of myself apparently. If his friend who hated me for some reason ever made a catty comment about me he would suddenly get very interested in the view out the window.

But I don’t confront people nearly often enough myself, and in a case like this I think he would be the he having a word not me.

TLDR: you are right, your oh is wrong, and yes a bit of a whimp.

If she does that again, jack her car up.

I would knock on her door and tell her that she needs to move her car straight away and it will be towed without warning if she ever parks there again. Re DH, he sounds like a bit of a wet blanket.

Car woman and husband are two separate issues.

My dp is the same tbh. Even although he is 6ft 3 and built and was brought up in a really rough area where it was normal for people tonknock lumps out each other, and his family are pretty aggressive. I think perhaps that's why he's not like that.
On the other hand I know I'm quite hot tempered and things annoy me too much, so its good to have a balance.