Help me understand fight with DH

[Suziee37]

I’m not looking for sympathy and not looking for usual nastiness towards the OP’s that AIBU is known for. I’m simply looking to understand how I can react differently and maybe some outsider insight into our relationship.

I always feel DH is never bothered by anything and just leaves me to deal with any situations. Been married for 12 years and we have kids.

Latest incident - car blocks my driveway and I saw from my window the lady getting out of car. I open outside door and don’t even have a chance to ask her she just starts talking to me in aggressive tone telling me she’s only parking for 30 minutes as they having work done and not to worry that she’s leaving her car there all day! she doesn’t even stop she just says this as she’s walking to her house so I didn’t get a chance to even reply! I don’t know her she lives about 6 or 7 doors down from me.

I got really annoyed as she could have simply just said “do you mind if we park here?” Rather than telling me she’s parking across my driveway! Of course I would be understanding and say it’s fine and I’ll knock on her door if we need to get out. I’m just annoyed that DH never gives a crap about anything. This car has previously blocked us in (we never knew whose car it was on those occasions until today when I saw her getting out).

I’m really struggling to explain why this situation bothered me so much I think it’s because he makes me feel I make a big deal of situations. I know it sounds awful but he is a bit of a “wimp” in general which I only learnt over the years. I used to think he was a lovely guy but I’ve noticed he’s actually scared of confrontation, even when we are 100% in the right. He encourages me to be more like him and in early days I would avoid conflicts but since having kids I realise I can’t let people walk over us. The woman moved her car in the end and I wanted to go outside and tell her that next time if she can actually let us know as we didn’t know which house car belongs to previous occasions. DH made me feel I’m crazy and trying to start a fight. He was actually laughing at my annoyance at her and he called me “crazy”. Sorry if my post doesn’t read well I’m typing whilst running after my toddlers!

Please be kind and give me advice please. I feel shit at the moment, I know I need to be assertive but having a non-confrontational DH who wants me to be a doormat is affecting my sense of reality!

I used to think he was a lovely guy but I’ve noticed he’s actually scared of confrontation, even when we are 100% in the right. He encourages me to be more like him and in early days I would avoid conflicts but since having kids I realise I can’t let people walk over us.

But what did you expect him to do in this scenario? You said yourself the woman had gone before you could say anything. You know where she lives - why couldn’t YOU have gone after her instead of whinging that your husband didn’t do it for you?

My DH is a bit like that and it does wind me up. I sometimes feel Ionely and undefended. He won't stick up for me if people are rude, he won't back me in an argument. He says that I am perfectly capable of handling these situations myself. However, he is an absolute rock when things step up a gear.

So he would be unlikely to pick a fight in the street over a parking issue, but would be happy to challenge a 'scary' person in authority over something that he thinks is important. He'll laugh when I'm nervous around a snappy dog, but the one time we were charged by a genuinely aggressive, threatening dog, he grabbed me and pulled me behind him before I had even registered what was happening.

I think as a partnership it works well. I sweat the day-to-day annoyances then hand over to him for special occasions.

Sounds like both your and DH have different ways of looking at things.

You expect people to be considerate and obey the law and are looking ahead to potential problems and trying to prevent situation that may cause them. (I do that too, the down side is it’s exhausting always trying to do your best at every turn with everything and get stuff just right).

From what you’ve said here he seems to be more chilled and if problems arise he will deal with them then. Even if it’s more trouble or expense, rather than deal with things in a preventative way. He weighs things up and in his head the balance is skewed in favour of do nothing unless I have to.

As with most things you’ve probably experienced different things in life before you bet that moulded you into who you are now. Perhaps his parents were highly strung and he’s thought that’s not worth it I’m not into that. Or perhaps they didn’t anticipate potential issues so he doesn’t either. Or he had tried to stand up for himself in the past and was beaten up or was in a situation he could never win in so gave up.

It’s a difficult one. TBH you knew what each other were like when you married. Perhaps you each thought you could change the other bit, or you’d get used to each other’s little foibles, but that doesn’t tend to happen and if it does resentment can build up ! So now you are stuck. I don’t see you splitting up over this. Not yet anyway. But who knows, if you get sufficiently scunnered with him you might!

She should have left contact details at the very least if she was desperate enough to break the Highway Code and abandon her car blocking your drive. She’s well out of order. Sounds like she was having a stressful morning. If she’s a bit aggressive you could have had problems so on this occasion because she was stressed so doing nothing could have saved a lot of madness. People kick off when backed into a corner.

On this one occasion it was ok. But in future I’d be telling that just coz you did it that time before don’t think you’re blocking my drive whenever you feel like it. You want a parking space make your own driveway in your own garden. Don’t be blocking mine or the polis will be at your door for breaking the Highway Code get it moved. Now.

Now you know who she is that’s good for future reference too

I couldn’t be with someone as chilled as your dh. That would do my head in. Especially if he did things like put a scalding pot on the worktop rather than use a trivet ‘it will be fine and if it scorches we’ll just buy another’ (if that’s what he’s like). I like bravery but also tempered with sensibility. I don’t like cowardice and laziness. That may not be him though as I don’t know the full picture!

It is you that has changed, not your husband. Perhaps you are now too quick to call people out etc.

I’m on the fence, yes the woman was cheeky bit if you weren’t going anywhere and it was just for thirty mins I also couldn’t get worked up about it. And if my husband wanted to have a go at her I’d have thought he was over reacting

I pick my fights, snd don’t tend to get wound up about things that make absolutely no difference to me at all.

This situation does happen to me quite often, on Friday someone visiting my neighbour parked in front of my house, I have no idea why, they have about a dozen spaces and only two cars parked there, snd the person knew they were parking on my land and walking over to the neighbours. I wasn’t going anywhere so it doesn’t bother me.

So I guess for me this comes down to do you often get het up about stuff that actually doesn’t have any impact on you at all, (not it might have done if you wanted to leave in ten mins except you didn’t want to) and does he get involved when it does.

Tell the rude connect time OP. Your husbands a wuss bag. It's your bloody drive shes taking the piss