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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should do some of the pick ups/drop offs even though I moved away

31 replies

CheesecakeAddict · 26/09/2020 16:49

Long back story but basically I fled DV about 16 months ago with DD. I took the car and a bag of clothes and that's all. Exh cut me off financially and I ended up 10k in debt fighting all the court cases he kept throwing at me (I won them all because they were ridiculous but still expensive to fight) , evicted from homeless accommodation for not keeping up with my rent (universal credit refused me and refuge wouldn't take me in because I couldn't afford the rent without UC) with SS about to take DD into care because I was going to be on the streets. My parents stepped in and I went to live with them 250 miles away where I've managed to build a solid life for us.

We currently have a court order whereby once a fortnight he comes local to me for contact and once per fortnight I go local to him with DD for contact. Over lockdown the trains couldn't be relied on as they were frequently cancelled so we made an arrangement that she would stay at his for the weekend and I would do the drive each way to drop off and pick up as he doesn't have a car (I'd drive 250 miles there and back in a day, have a day off and then drive all day to pick her up). I was wfh at the time so I could do it, now I'm in the office 5 days a week and there is no flexibility to do this and also he refused to pay towards petrol because he said it came under child maintenance. For 2 months we've been back to the court ordered arrangement but with school holidays (DD just started preschool this Sept) in October I broached the subject with the ex that there was the possibility to have her overnight if he wanted. He does, but he wants me to do the picking up and dropping off as it was me who moved away from him. But the trains are back to normal and he's had long enough (and he earns triple my income) to sort himself out with a car if he hates travelling with a toddler so much on the train (which he currently doesn't have to do with the court order arrangements).

So aibu that he should either pick her up or drop her back off home if he wants her overnight even though yes, I did move from him and yes, I did pose the idea to him?

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 26/09/2020 16:54

Given the circumstances, I'd offer to meet him halfway. If he doesn't, don't put yourself out driving there and back to facilitate contact. Let the prick take you back to court.

Lifeisabeach09 · 26/09/2020 16:54

Or school holidays only.

Onpause · 26/09/2020 17:02

From my own experiences and my DH's, the person who moved away has to do the travel, according to the courts.

With mine, my ex moved 4 hours up north I then moved one hour east from our original location. The court said that he would have to travel as he moved away, and my relocation only added on 20 mins to his journey.
My DH he moved with me, and the court told him he had to do the travel - but his ex was good and didnt mind if it meant she got time off once things had settled down and relationships were rebuilt.

So if it did go back to court for you, I would be prepared to be told to do it. I would offer to drop her off and he can return.

CakeGirl2020 · 26/09/2020 17:10

If it goes to court you’d more than likely be told you had to do it as you moved away. If you moved 5 miles away I’d say he was petty but we are talking 250 miles. I’d expect to do the whole journey if I moved away

liveitwell · 26/09/2020 17:14

I would get legal advice. This will keep coming up so best to get advice now to avoid continued conflict. He sounds like an absolute prick, I'm glad you got away safely.

Ohtherewearethen · 26/09/2020 17:15

I've no experience of what the courts would say unlike onpause but I wonder if your circumstances would make a difference here? You had to flee his violence and he cut you off, leaving you and your daughter on the streets so you had no choice but to move so far away for your and your daughter's safety and security. It shouldn't be up to you to drive all that way twice over such a short period of time. If he wants to see his daughter he should be doing everything he can to make sure that happens. He's probably enjoying this hold he still has over you. I'd completely lose faith in the courts of they thought this was in any way fair.

Original poster

CheesecakeAddict · 26/09/2020 17:17

Just to make it clear, I'm not saying I won't do anything, I am saying 50/50 so either I drop off or pick up and he does the other leg.

@Onpause I'm not sure because after I moved away I was doing 100% of the drop offs/pick ups and it was the court who said 50/50 fortnightly split regarding transport. It was particularly tricky because there's not a doubt in my mind that SS would have taken her (and Exh already said he didn't want custody and refused to have her longer than 6 hours once per week so I could get a second job so I could have afforded to stay close-by).

OP posts:

ExclamationPerfume · 26/09/2020 17:17

If you moved away the onus is on you to do the travelling.

user14123965865 · 26/09/2020 17:21

Sorry, are we talking about the same man who caused you to flee your home due to domestic violence?

And now you're ferrying your daughter to stay overnight with him even though you're not required to leave her unsupervised overnight with an abuser?

I hardly think who does the travelling is the most pertinent issue here.

GunsAndShips · 26/09/2020 17:26

My brother's dw left him and took the dc 170 miles away (no dv, wasn't acrimonious and divorce was a mutual decision but she left one day when he was at work. Apparently because she knew he'd object if she told him her plans to take them so far).

Court ordered that they had to meet halfway or do one journey each (so my brother pick up on a fri and his ex collect on a sun). She has never once driven anywhere. My brother does the 340 mile round trip on a Friday and again on a Sunday.

So if one party can't be arsed, ime you'll struggle to compel them.

Original poster

CheesecakeAddict · 26/09/2020 17:39

OK it seems I am being unreasonable. Fair enough, I can take that.

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 26/09/2020 17:45

Given your circumstances and your updates, YANBU.
You had no choice but to relocate so far.

zoemum2006 · 26/09/2020 17:47

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable given that you fled DV and he cut you off financially. It’s not like you moved because you just felt like it! How much choice did you have?

Azif · 26/09/2020 17:53

@user14123965865

Sorry, are we talking about the same man who caused you to flee your home due to domestic violence?

And now you're ferrying your daughter to stay overnight with him even though you're not required to leave her unsupervised overnight with an abuser?

I hardly think who does the travelling is the most pertinent issue here.

This

Onpause · 26/09/2020 18:51

My ex was DV so I don't know if that factored into their decision against him. In the end court ruled no contact after the contact centre sessions so it didn't become an issue past that.

Perhaps let him take you to court again, if he won't budge and you can't do it let them decide. With his DV history and such a young child I would be concerned anyway.

helpmum2003 · 26/09/2020 18:55

YANBU

Ken1976 · 26/09/2020 19:02

My son was in this situation . He travelled 100 miles twice monthly to see his kids . Ex wife wasn't happy and took him to court where the judge said it should be fifty / fifty with her doing half the drop offs and pick ups .

Techway · 26/09/2020 19:11

A judge would assess both parties ability to facilitate contact as this is in the best interests of the child
Ability= time, work commitments, finances etc.

A shared order is often made.

MsKeats · 26/09/2020 19:15

I was told it I move it would be 50/50 for drop offs and pick ups.

HyacynthBucket · 26/09/2020 19:33

Am wondering why he has her overnight or at a weekend if he was violent. Surely the court did not sanction that?

Potterpotterpotter · 26/09/2020 19:34

50/50 would be fair

HugeAckmansWife · 26/09/2020 19:38

its not as simple as "whoever moved should travel". There are many reasons, such as in the OPs case where she needed a support network far more than she needed an abusive ex round the corner.

SBTLove · 26/09/2020 19:40

Why are you encouraging an abuser to have your child overnight? I’m surprised he has unsupervised access.
I’d drive there, let him have his time and take her back, either drive home or stay in a cheap Travel Inn and back next morning, no idea why you are encouraging further contact!

Covert20 · 26/09/2020 19:50

Well the last time you were in court, they ordered half the contact where you live and half where he lives, so it’s pretty clear they thought the burden of travel ought to be shared between you. So I do think your ex ought to be doing half the travel. But is all this travel really fair in your DD?? 480 miles over a weekend how many times a month?

My kids have had to do 150 mile round trip EOW to see their dad (with us sharing the travel) and they find that a drag. I’ve no idea how they’d put up with three times that!!

Original poster

CheesecakeAddict · 26/09/2020 20:16

Some of you are very naive about the reality of family court for DV victims. Yes, he was granted unsupervised contact, not that long after beating the shit out of me with DD in the same room (and admitting to it in court). He's also been told that from the summer just gone, he can start taking her abroad on his own (obviously covid put a stop to that). So I don't doubt for a second a court would allow him overnight access if he tried.

OP posts:

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