To think he should do some of the pick ups/drop offs even though I moved away

[CheesecakeAddict]

Long back story but basically I fled DV about 16 months ago with DD. I took the car and a bag of clothes and that's all. Exh cut me off financially and I ended up 10k in debt fighting all the court cases he kept throwing at me (I won them all because they were ridiculous but still expensive to fight) , evicted from homeless accommodation for not keeping up with my rent (universal credit refused me and refuge wouldn't take me in because I couldn't afford the rent without UC) with SS about to take DD into care because I was going to be on the streets. My parents stepped in and I went to live with them 250 miles away where I've managed to build a solid life for us.

We currently have a court order whereby once a fortnight he comes local to me for contact and once per fortnight I go local to him with DD for contact. Over lockdown the trains couldn't be relied on as they were frequently cancelled so we made an arrangement that she would stay at his for the weekend and I would do the drive each way to drop off and pick up as he doesn't have a car (I'd drive 250 miles there and back in a day, have a day off and then drive all day to pick her up). I was wfh at the time so I could do it, now I'm in the office 5 days a week and there is no flexibility to do this and also he refused to pay towards petrol because he said it came under child maintenance. For 2 months we've been back to the court ordered arrangement but with school holidays (DD just started preschool this Sept) in October I broached the subject with the ex that there was the possibility to have her overnight if he wanted. He does, but he wants me to do the picking up and dropping off as it was me who moved away from him. But the trains are back to normal and he's had long enough (and he earns triple my income) to sort himself out with a car if he hates travelling with a toddler so much on the train (which he currently doesn't have to do with the court order arrangements).

So aibu that he should either pick her up or drop her back off home if he wants her overnight even though yes, I did move from him and yes, I did pose the idea to him?

@CheesecakeAddict
We aren’t naive, many speak from personal experience. If you’re not ordered why are you offering overnight? Bare minimum.

@SBTLove it's a good question. I still walk around with the guilt of tearing up my family every day. I guess this is my way of trying to make right? (and I know, logically I didn't tear up the family, I know it was his actions). But the longer it gets, the more amicable we become, the harder it becomes.

Please don’t be lured in by ‘amicable’, harden your heart, absolute minimum required contact, no trying to be nice. He led to this NOT you. Remind yourself of what he done to you, he deserves nothing.
My eldest 3DC have had no contact with their ‘dad’ for 15 years, they’ve been raised by my DH, they have turned out just fine, never feel guilt.

You've fled dv- that's not really a choice unless you call survival a choice?

Do what the court asks and nothing more. If he wants to see dc he should arrange/ facilitate it. Does he pay you cm?

Housing benefits pays for temp accomodation not uc why on earth would you drive back and forth to a man that beat you and let your child stay overnight while not actually ordered by court? What guilt? Id feel more guilty about driving and leaving my dc with a violent person than breaking what wasnt much of a family anyway. Just does not make sense.

@Craddle64
Housing costs are covered as an element of UC, it’s one payment now to cover everything.