Vulnerable but very clingy friend.

[Puffalicious]

This is a difficult situation. I knew this woman around 25 years ago when she was only 16 and I was 24- we worked together briefly and I suppose I helped her out then by being an ear and giving advice when asked for. Time passes as it does and with moving on and no social media back then we lost touch. She messaged me on FB just over a year ago and whilst it's been pleasant to chat and I do really like her, her issues in life are draining me emotionally and I feel that she's just so clingy.

The background is that she had a terrible, terrible childhood: alcoholic and physically abusive father, absent mother and 3 younger half-siblings she basically protected. She got out, worked hard and is in a stable, professional job. Great. However, she has no friends - she acknowledges it's probably because she's so clingy- and I seem to be her emotional go-to again. We've only met up a few times but she messages constantly- multiple times a day and she is so down on herself and so negative about everything that I am just drained. She's going through a hard time with her teen daughter, an alcoholic husband she's just separating from and her nightmare family who, despite being totally dysfunctional and bleeding her dry financially and emotionally she still contacts (I get why but then need to listen to the never ending issues).

I've encouraged her to seek counselling for months now and am delighted that she has started that process. But even now after each session she's messaging saying she's crying, feels helpless, unlovable, no-one can fix her. What the counsellor has been suggesting sounds excellent but she's picking fault in her too.

Last night, I suppose I'd had enough and suggested she needs to try to be positive
and resilient and work towards liking herself as that's the start of everything. She just stated that people are intrinsically these things and she's just not and will never like herself- her priority was always surviving- I had a loving background and have always had confidence etc. I just feel like I'm not qualified to help.

She's been signed off work for 6 weeks or so and when her dd is not there is messaging saying how bored she is, feels like a prisoner etc. No matter what I suggest: a walk/ join a book club/ night class/ yoga she says she has no confidence to do it. If I had time to be bored (3DC/ work/partner) I'd be bloody delighted but she doesn't see it that way.

I just want to bang my head against a wall. I know how unhappy and vulnerable she is and don't want to upset her any further but it's just so draining and negative all the time.

AIBU to tell her I just can't connect anymore despite her having no other friends.

If I'm not how do i phrase it?
Thanks for reading.

I was with you up until you said "If I had time to be bored...I'd be bloody delighted". Given you're not divorcing an alcoholic husband and dealing with abusive relatives it really doesn't compare.
Ultimately though you are not her counsellor and she sounds v draining. It's ok to decide she is too much for you. It doesn't sound like an equal friendship

Thanks user I suppose that sounded a touch harsh, I have been so kind and encouraging and there for her for over a year but I just feel drained. I've recently lost both my father, a very close friend and am recovering from Covid 19 as well.as having a DC with ASN so just have limited time and energy, really.

I dont think you were harsh i think its underdtandable.. people like your friend always think nobody else has it as bad but maybe if they shut up, asked and listened they would realise that you too have your troubles and worries.

I really think tell her honesty how you feel after all you cant pour from an empty cup. It might be harsh but might snap her awake.

OP, you need stronger boundaries. Time for some clear direction from you to her. Write it down so it is unambiguous:

‘Your fixed thinking is holding you back and wearing me out. You had a bad start but the rest of your life is now on you - an opportunity to really improve things. Take responsibility for your own actions from here on.

I am going to step back while I deal with my own things but I will give you a ring in a fortnight and see how you are doing.’

Then block her for two weeks.

I'd have to back off and I'd certainly block the persistent messaging. If she has enough confidence to hold down a professional job, there's no reason why she couldn't join a yoga class or whatever. It sounds like negativity has become her default.You're not even doing her any good by listening to it, you're just enabling it.

Not even doing her any good - sorry.

Och no, I couldn’t be bothered with this and would have stopped responding in a timely fashion ages ago. I run a mile from that sort of neediness and pressure from anyone. As soon as the regular woe-is-me became apparent I’d be distancing myself and too busy to chat so they didn’t get the idea I was the go-to audience.

You’ve let this go on too long. You’re going to have to be explicit with her now. Tell her you don’t feel qualified or like you have the time to invest in helping her, then prove it by being less available. She might well be hurt but there’s no other way. It’s that or keep being her free counselling service.

Disclaimer: I’m not heartless btw...I have learned this from being where you are now and more than once...though when I was a younger woman.
I eventually realised that I can have sympathy for someone without allowing them to encroach on me. Boundaries are fine. Establish some and stick to them.

I would be direct. Tell her what works for YOU, ie, that you cannot text anybody every day and that you would prefer to catch up once a month.

That will sting her a bit when she gets it but she won't internalise it as another rejection if you make it clear ''what works for me in my busy life is to catch up once a month''.

I feel sorry for her but a bit of bravery would do her the world of good.

I've heard that if you praise somebody for the way they reacted to something (even when they did not react in that way) makes them feel like they want to live up to that. So tell her how brave she was building a new life for herself / how resilient she has been building a new life for herself....

I agree that a book club and a yoga class would do her the world of good.

I'm too soft and have put up with this from ex friends numerous times in the past, to the point where it affected me mentally as I was constantly drained and began feeling angry all the time as I knew it would be a matter of an hour or two before they texted and I was emotionally drained yet again. Life is too short for allowing yourself to be drained and affected to this level. Cut her loose. I know that sounds harsh but it is affecting you.

I’ve been here, unfortunely nothing for it but to lay down boundaries. Well done on making her seek professional help. Don’t let her drag you down with her—the suggestion of saying you can speak to her once a fortnight or month is good. It doesn’t sound like this is in any way actually a friendship, just a situation of you being kind.

Thank you for all the really helpful messages, you've all got exactly how I feel.

I do need to establish boundaries, you're all right. I'm a very strong person and do not suffer fools gladly but think I've been blindsided a bit as she's so vulnerable and alone. I've always been open to my friends and try to help when I can but I need to invest more time in her life than my best friends. The reality is I think she wants me to be meetimg me all the time- she comments that she's not been out since last time she saw me or never gets to go anywhere etc- the fact is I want to see my best friends/ sisters when I have precious free time as as nice as she is I'm in constant counsellor mode/ she just gushes about how lucky I am/ how great am I and it all feels a bit clingy and strange.

Persona I like that message. wiser pictish yes I need to be direct.

Thank you all so much.

123 I do feel like I'm in a position to help.and be kind and I should, but it's now too much.

I mean, even when I say I'm off to watch a movie with my DC or a TV programme with DH so need to end the messaging she keeps going or makes me feel bad by saying ' I wish I had that to look forward to/ I envy your life'. I shouldn't feel bad for having a loving upbringing and DH and DC that I love.

Ugh...she sounds a bit fixated on you. I’ve had this. Create distance now.

Yup pictish it's all very clingy. I feel so sad that she has no friends, but sadly I think I'm seeing why.

I was with you up until you said "If I had time to be bored...I'd be bloody delighted".

Likewise. It's very revealing about how little you understand of her circumstances. She's signed off work because she's unfit to be at work - you'd be delighted to an too ill to work? Really? Ok.

I shouldn't feel bad for having a loving upbringing and DH and DC that I love.

Those are your emotions, though. Your discomfort in the face of someone else's suffering is your issue not theirs. Blaming her is shitty and makes you a hypocrite.

You realise that instead of minimising her distress every time she speaks to you by belittling it ( "I'd be delighted..." ) and endlessly trying to fix it, you could have just empathised and listened? Did she ask for all your suggestions or did she just want human contact and compassion?

Take responsibility for your own actions. You are far from perfect in this scenario. Least of all by publishing a judgemental account of her life online in a way where she will be able to recognise herself. How would you like it if someone you trusted did that to you?

I had the same problem 2years back. In the end afyer endless support & lots of ideas that she wouldn't even try, I decided she was 'stuck' & nothing was going to work. . Even at Counselling , she'd go but refuse to talk for the whole session! I distanced in the end. It's sad because she had grandchildren, supportive children etc but all she valued was having a boyfriend & if she didn't have one it was just a litany of suicidal thoughts about her awful childhood. Then she''d find a man but they were always feckless & the suicidal thoughts would be back. Gently distance for your own healths sake .

Aah the take take take of the emotional vampire. I’ve had this a couple of times. They never listen or act on good advice (you did well persuading her to go to the counselling!). You just go over the same old ground repeatedly. Definitely distance and don’t feel bad for doing so.

Thanks again for the kind and helpful words.

You're being really unfair user I've been nothing but supportive and empathetic and have never belittled her. I merely listened for many, many months but then she asked for help and advice what to do about her dd/ dh/feelings towards herself. Every thing I've ever suggested has been done gently and with compassion. The only reason she's off work is because I told her to tell work she was going through a separation and needed time- she was too scared to but I kept on until she did and in fact found work to be very understanding.

I don't understand why I'm a hypocrite? That comment has made me feel really crappy when I already feel guilty for wanting to pull back. Her negativity is making me unhappy, is that okay? Or should I keep making myself unhappy to be her unofficial counsellor.

I have tried to suggest many, many things to stop her being bored. I can't imagine being bored (I was off work for 8 weeks with an injury a few years back and just read and slept and read and watched Netflix- it's not hard) and I just feel that the being bored is yet another thing to be negative about.

And where am I being judgemental? I've wanted to help.but it's too much now.

To be honest the more you post the more you sound like her.

Maybe she doesn't want the suggestions, maybe she just wants to be actively listened to and empathised with.

Oh bollocks to that. Posters who are turning on you are feeding into the idea that as women we should be endlessly self-sacrificing. And do endless emotional work to our own detriment.

If you’re not enjoying the friendship, it’s ok to end it. It sounds draining and joyless and one-sided.

she messages constantly - multiple times a day and she is so down on herself and so negative about everything that I am just drained.

Gosh, OP. That would be enough for most people. I don't know why you are being harangued for not wanting to be drained by a work colleague you were kind to 25 years ago.

It is great you were able to get her to see a counsellor. But I really don't think you owe this woman your life-blood, simply because you are a kind person. She is not repaying your kindness with any care for you, and is in her demanding neediness treating you like an unpaid member of a phone crisis line and/or free counsellor (who she does not respect any more than her official counsellor). I hope you can stop feeling guilty for wanting this behaviour to stop and are able to put in some blocks to her using you in this fashion.

@Puffalicious you sound like a really good person.

I have had a couple friends like this and it is draining. One constantly contacts me about fears 10+ years away (will her 6 yo get into xyz University). It is like she lives in her head and also has some significant traumas.

What I've learned is instead of trying to fix or provide solutions/ideas etc, which means I"m taking her problems on myself, I now only empathise. For example her text said she's so stressed about whether they should move again so 2 dc can stay at home for Uni and sent a text with 10+ sentences about it asking me what I think and how she can't sleep for thinking about it (her dc are 6 and under). Before I had a chance to reply she was telling me about some criticism she received for not respecting boundaries when helping at one dc's nursery. Again asking me what I think. If I had responded with what I thought and got into conversation it would never end. So now I say things like how hard it sounds and I'm sorry she's facing these challenges, and I know things will work out. Then I mention I'm looking forward to catching up in a month or so when we have a coffee and I'm off to do X now (the shop, taking dc to football etc). Then I don't answer for many hours to whatever text comes back. When I do, maybe later that day or the next am.

Pull back a bit. It sounds like she needs you as a friend so in a way you are protecting her by not burning out.

To be honest the more you post the more you sound like her

I don't understand this, please explain.
If she doesn't want the suggestions why ask?

Irisheyesaresmiling that's been really, really helpful, because that's exactly how it goes: she asks for advice, I respond kindly and the messages go on forever. I'll be messaging her about stepping back a bit and just continuing to empathise.

Thanks so much everyone, you've put it all in perspective.

Puff, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You need to state some boundaries though and not keep taking endless messages from her. Tell her that you cannot give her the support she is asking for but that you can do a, or contact her in b.

Even if you were a cow and just found her boring, you still would not have to give her more than you are comfortable offering. We should all be kind, but she is not your responsibility.