Vulnerable but very clingy friend.

[Puffalicious]

This is a difficult situation. I knew this woman around 25 years ago when she was only 16 and I was 24- we worked together briefly and I suppose I helped her out then by being an ear and giving advice when asked for. Time passes as it does and with moving on and no social media back then we lost touch. She messaged me on FB just over a year ago and whilst it's been pleasant to chat and I do really like her, her issues in life are draining me emotionally and I feel that she's just so clingy.

The background is that she had a terrible, terrible childhood: alcoholic and physically abusive father, absent mother and 3 younger half-siblings she basically protected. She got out, worked hard and is in a stable, professional job. Great. However, she has no friends - she acknowledges it's probably because she's so clingy- and I seem to be her emotional go-to again. We've only met up a few times but she messages constantly- multiple times a day and she is so down on herself and so negative about everything that I am just drained. She's going through a hard time with her teen daughter, an alcoholic husband she's just separating from and her nightmare family who, despite being totally dysfunctional and bleeding her dry financially and emotionally she still contacts (I get why but then need to listen to the never ending issues).

I've encouraged her to seek counselling for months now and am delighted that she has started that process. But even now after each session she's messaging saying she's crying, feels helpless, unlovable, no-one can fix her. What the counsellor has been suggesting sounds excellent but she's picking fault in her too.

Last night, I suppose I'd had enough and suggested she needs to try to be positive
and resilient and work towards liking herself as that's the start of everything. She just stated that people are intrinsically these things and she's just not and will never like herself- her priority was always surviving- I had a loving background and have always had confidence etc. I just feel like I'm not qualified to help.

She's been signed off work for 6 weeks or so and when her dd is not there is messaging saying how bored she is, feels like a prisoner etc. No matter what I suggest: a walk/ join a book club/ night class/ yoga she says she has no confidence to do it. If I had time to be bored (3DC/ work/partner) I'd be bloody delighted but she doesn't see it that way.

I just want to bang my head against a wall. I know how unhappy and vulnerable she is and don't want to upset her any further but it's just so draining and negative all the time.

AIBU to tell her I just can't connect anymore despite her having no other friends.

If I'm not how do i phrase it?
Thanks for reading.

Butterer what is that? Itsounds as it would be really useful.

Well I am that blunt. Fuck her problems, she bloody loves it, if she didn't she would sort it out. But oh no, let's keep the drama going. Meanwhile you're run ragged by a sponger. Tell her good luck with the counselling and goodbye.

And 'user' can go fuck themselves, why the fuck should you have to deal with this? It's beyond friendship, it's asking you to take on free counselling and help her forever. Nah, live your life and fuck the take, take, takers.

You are not being at all unreasonable, I know people like that, they are total joy suckers and the endless 'sympathy' they demand is really draining. However tough it sounds, people do need to take some responsibility for their situations and it is not fair for this friend to demand so much of your time and energy.

OP,
I understand you feel sympathy for this woman but you are in no position to support her.

Send @PersonaNonGarter message and back away.

I understand this poor woman has had a hard life but unfortunately I don't feel it's your job to be her 24 hour ear.

Back away.

Thank you all.

I don't think she thinks that she's a taker or draining me. She's had a hard life but I will send a message like persona suggested and back off. I can't fix her and I feel like she expects me to.

Thanks all you've made me feel much better.

Butterer that's so very kind of you and excellent info which I'll look right into.

I hope your programme helps. Take good care of you too

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and I think some people on this thread are being deliberately goady.

This sort of behaviour is a form of abuse - its an abuse of your time and your boundaries in the guise of frienship. It may come from a desperate place but there is no obligation on you to give up this much of your time and none to become someone's emotional punch bag.

Yes people like this need friends and support and someone to act as a sounding board. But there's an obligation on their part not to use you as an emotional dumping ground for their toxic shit. I think a lot of people in this position deliberately identify people who are compassionate and open and push them too far: partly because they know that it perpetuates the cycle (which at some level is what they want). Be supportive to her by all means but don't stand for this.

I think you should be very specific about what your role is in the friendship. Something like: "I can see you're in a bad place and am very happy to support you where I can but you need to respect my boundaries. You also need to realise its incumbent on you not to treat me like a therapist and to learn to tell what the difference is between professional help and friendship."

Fingers crossed for you Butterer that it goes well when you rearrange.

thepeopleversuswork that's a good response, I'll definitely incorporate some of these points when I get round to messaging. I've not been responding to messages since Friday and they've momentarily stopped.

I can't imagine being bored (I was off work for 8 weeks with an injury a few years back and just read and slept and read and watched Netflix- it's not hard) and I just feel that the being bored is yet another thing to be negative about.

OP, whilst I agree that you need to take a step back for your own sanity, and I don't think I would have had much patience with her, I'm not sure you understand how lonely she is. And that's not your problem to fix, the way you write is a bit jarring.

You are comparing being being off sick for 8 weeks with her loneliness and it's not a like comparison. It was easy for you not to get bored in those 8 weeks because you know there was a job / a loving partner / 'best friends and sisters' for you at the end. And that's great. but she has very little of that so for you to say it's not hard and she is being negative is really insensitive.

I do wonder what you're saying in your texts to her that is making her so envious. I'm not sure this friendship is doing her any good, so for both your sakes, bring in the boundaries soon or end it.

Cadent thanks for responding, it's very useful to have another point of view.

Firstly, I'm not saying anything in my messages to make her envious- the conversation is generally very one sided. She sees FB messages with perhaps a photo of DS2 being his usual madcap self or a day out to the park with DS3, or a birthday photo of DS1 recently or I'm tagged in a night out/ meet up with friends. I don't post very often on FB but have taken advice to hide my posts from her, which I hadn't really thought about before. She goes on and on about how lucky I am to have lovely children- but the reality I am always telling her is of the usual teenage issues and a youngest with significant ASN. Despite this and me being very positive about her dd she insists that she wishes her child was like one of mine. It's very draining.

Secondly, she has a job she loves which she will return to in a few weeks and she has various people who comment on her FB posts offering encouragement (they are very negative) so she certainly has some people who she knows. But I do get what you mean, I don't fully get how lonely she is. I compared my being off for 8 weeks ( unable to move due to being in plaster with 3 kids was not enjoyable) as I suppose I think that she should be using this time off work to be recharging. She can get out and about anytime she wants but chooses to stay in (no phobias she goes shopping etc).

She has moved to a gorgeous rented property, which I encouraged her to find and was there for feedback when she wanted. I arranged for furniture that a friend who didn't need and went out with her and bought loads of soft furnishings for her to make it homely.

I feel like she wants me there as her best mate, to meet every week and talk all the time but I just can't be that person. It's so sad but I can't give her me.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Thanks for the added detail, it sounds like she does have positives in life that she should focus on.

I definitely agree that it's draining, it's not your job to be her companion / agony aunt.

Yes, Cadent she does have positives. I asked her to think of when she was happy to try and focus on what made her happy - but she said she's never been happy. If the birth of her dd, courtship and marriage, graduation (twice) or job couldn't spark happiness I don't think I've got much chance. I reckon she's just in a negativity cloud.

I've just sent a message about pulling back, similar to all suggestions so we'll see.

Thanks again everyone.