I can't take criticism

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It's finally dawned on me that this is the case.

Brought to light by a situation at work where a client has remarked that I'm not getting involved enough in her business/she's not getting what she wants from me... my first reaction is to get super defensive and think of all the reasons why she's wrong, but actually I know deep down that she has a point.

This is a broader problem where i get extremely upset and sensitive at the mere suggestion that anything I'm doing is imperfect in any way...and actually I sometimes even preempt this by getting upset if I feel like I think someone is thinking that (even if it transpires that they aren't)

This is mainly a work problem but does impact other areas of life too (like always thinking my mum is being critical of me, which is probably unfair)

How do I get out of this mindset/behaviour?! It's exhausting feeling like this all the time and I know I need to address it.

Great you have recognised it! I imagine everyone you know is already well aware as there is no way this isn't affecting your interactions. A close family member is similar for a host of reasons. Loving her is like trying to hug a hedgehog because, of course, in life something will always come up and you know it's going to go badly trying to talk about it.
She was also aware but resisted counseling for years. Finally went and found someone who 'got' her... She is much improved. I don't think this is something you can will better, I think you need CBT at least...

It’s good you’ve acknowledged it!
I know it’s easier said than done but you need to try and reframe constructive criticism in your head - it’s not a personal attack against you, it’s an opportunity for you to improve and do something better next time. Everyone gets criticism about something or another, nobody is perfect and nobody is expected to be. If you were doing something wrong, or not as good as it could be, wouldn’t you want to be told rather than do it wrong forever? I think people tend to fixate on criticism, even if they’ve received positive feedback as well.

But as a pp said it might be that CBT or similar could be useful to help you work through it.

Recognising it is the most important step forward. I wonder if it comes from a childhood where you felt second best or criticised a lot?

My ex H was like this because of his childhood, and couldn't take anything that he interpreted as criticism without reacting violently and flying into a tantrum. Even saying 'would you mind putting your clothes away so that I can clean up' got a defensive reaction. He heard it as 'put your bloody clothes away, I'm not your bloody servant'.

Id recommend some counselling

Um I don’t know, surely most people get a bit upset if they feel they are being criticised? After all none of us like to think we are doing things ‘wrong’, so I think you are being a bit hard on yourself.

Doesn't everyone? Few of us like criticism. I can't grasp that something quite normal, requires CBT.

I used to be the same. It's knackering because you already criticise yourself massively internally ,then an outside criticism piles in on top. I think it's down to a hugely critical DM . Age & counselling means I realised actually I do have good points & yes I have faults but that's what makes me human. It's ok not to be perfect. With regard to your client,different clients have different expectations so honestly, don't feel bad. Look on it as a learning thing that will make you even better at your job. Please don't beat yourself up.

I think most people don't love criticism, but if you feel that its a problem for you, it's great that you've recognised this.

I used to line manage someone who couldn't take any feedback whatsoever, however gently I (or anyone else) gave it, and it was so challenging. I think if you're in this camp it might be something to work on.

In the case of the person I line managed, I believe the issue was her own insecurities which meant she felt everything anyone said was a personal attack. Personally I think it's incredibly freeing to realise that most people are quite self absorbed and don't really give other people as much thought as you might imagine.

Taking criticism is a muscle, we're not naturally equipped for that.

Our brain is wired to see danger everywhere, that's how we survived as a specie.
One of the great threat for human survival is group rejection. Being criticised, we naturally feel that rejection anxiety. Its totally normal.

The good news is that facing stress and anxiety is a great way to grow as an individual. The more you expose yourself, the more resilient you'll be.

In my company we have a culture of feedback, we ask and give feedback all the time.
So hard to expose yourself at the beginning but when you start to acknowledge that people won't think less of you because you didn't get it right straight away, or because whatever you did wasn't perfect, that where growth happens.
You try more, shorten the feedback loop and learn from that.
The confidence in result of that is amazing.

But its a muscle, you need to practice and to be willing to get uncomfortable.

If you like books, I suggest "the gift of imperfection" by Brené Brown and "Feel the fear but do it anyway" by I-forgot-her-name.

As long as it's constructive, criticism is a gift. Once you get into that mindset it becomes a lot easier to accept. Compliments and praise are always nice of course but you need criticism to help you identify how you can improve. Engaging positively and constructively with someone who gives you criticism can also works wonders for building great relationships.

I'm the same OP. The smallest criticism seems like a huge deal - I feel really down and embarrassed, often on the verge of tears, and won't be able to stop thinking about it for days. I always take it very personally and tend to shrink into myself for a while after. Things that are just observations or advice I'll take as criticism too (e.g. at work, being told to send something second class instead of first class in future to save the company money) and be convinced I'm a terrible person or about to be sacked.

No advice I'm afraid, but just know you're not alone! No one likes criticism but I don't think it's normal to react to it in the way we do. First step is recognising it, but not sure where to go from there!

@Oblomov20

Doesn't everyone? Few of us like criticism. I can't grasp that something quite normal, requires CBT.

Of course, nobody disputes that. It’s natural to take criticism personally and feel a bit down about it, but OP specifies that she ‘get extremely upset and sensitive at the mere suggestion that anything I'm doing is imperfect in any way’ - which is quite an extreme reaction. If even small criticism causes her to spiral then maybe CBT could be a way to help her deal with that.

To be fair I think a lot of people's reaction in naturally like this -- I don't think its ever easy.

Up to a point its quite good as well... its good to retain a sense of self worth and not to be too easily swayed.

The trick is to digest the practical elements of the feedback and move it on constructively without internalising the negative stuff and taking it personally.

I've got a lot better at it over the years by seeing it as an opportunity to improve myself and if I look back over my career I can now see how criticism has actually been really helpful to me in making me better at my job. And I can now stand back in the heat of the moment and say "this is an opportunity to improve, not a blow to your ego".

I still get that smarting feeling of "why me?" a bit but I find it much easier to get over and move forwards now.

You have to be quite tough with yourself though and to be prepared to talk yourself into feeling positive about it.

Accept you're not perfect and don't beat yourself up over it because none of us are.

Think about the criticism you rather than just instantly dismiss it. Not all criticism you receive will be fair or helpful but some might be.

Thanks so much for all the replies, there is so much good advice here.

I definitely need to work on taking the criticism for what it is on a practical level and thinking about how to improve, rather than taking it so personally/getting so upset that I'm not actually taking any learning from it.

I think I could benefit from some counselling/CBT to help me overcome this as it's something that keeps coming up and I don't think I've really found a way to manage it myself (just by trying to change mindset etc).

Thanks to those saying they feel like this too-it's good to know I'm not alone!

I have come back to this thread. I've thought about it tonight, and realised that I am very very bad at taking criticism. I need to work in this.

I’m the same OP. I’ll tie myself in knots of defensive anxiety and resentment, rather than consider that someone might have a point and/or it’s coming from a good place.

I DO NOT like being told no. I'm a very reasonable person so it doesn't happen often. But a family member said no to me earlier, perfectly reasonably and it's no big deal. But I felt really tantrummy! Youngest child thing I guess.
My tip with criticism is when you are feeling defensive, be open instead. It's disarming. Arrange to meet. Agree with what you agree with. Make a plan for what can be different.

Read up on The Chimp Paradox, it’s very insightful and allows you to reflect better. Really helped me.

Well done for recognising it, my husband has the same problem but will not have it, he goes on the defensive and points out something wrong with me if I dare to criticise him in anyway. Eg: he might by something new to wear ask me if I like it. Me: no not really but if you like it that's all that matters. Him: well I don't bloody like your clothes.
Then sulks, it causes a disagreement for nothing. X

I used to be the same - I used to be positively frightened of constructive feedback! I am an A-Type personality with a tendency towards perfectionism. It manifested differently in me though, where I used to blame myself for things that went not quite right, even if those mistakes weren’t, in fact, my fault!

I remember someone referring to the “gift” of feedback and I kind of still take the piss out of that term because it’s so cheesy.

BUT I have consciously changed. We can never improve unless we listen to the feedback - especially if, deep down, we know it’s true. Someone upthread referred to it as a muscle and it’s true. The first time it’s hugely daunting, but the more you practise, the easier it gets and eventually it becomes really freeing. I asked my boss for some constructive feedback about a presentation I made to a senior committee and she didn’t actually give me any. I knew deep down what I could have improved though and I bet she might have agreed with me, had I suggested to her the things I thought I could have done better.

Well done for recognising it as that is a brave admission!

Years ago I went on a course with other middle managers where we were asked to write down something that each of the others did well and something that needed improvement.The comments were shared, though we didn't know who said what.

Without exception all the positive aspects were very concrete specific actions, e.g. clear planning, excellent public speaker, and the negative expressed as metaphors, e.g. need to see the big picture, be more of a team player. I wonder now if this was shrinking from being specific so as not to cause offence or we really didn't know what aspect to address.

The point of all this is to consider what is being criticised. If it's not specific, you can't make it better because it's nebulous.This can mean the criticiser feels they've made their point, which they haven't and the criticised feels annoyed and defensive.

I did a purely anecdotal survey of colleagues and acquaintances who had annual reviews and being criticised metaphorically was very common.

This thread is so timely as I am managing someone who will not take any kind of feedback without sulking, being defensive and downright refuses to accept any of my evidenced points.

It is huge challenge at a time when she is working remotely and has been underperforming through lockdown. It is such a shame as she could be so much better at her job if she engaged with what I'm saying and acted on it rather than disagreeing with it. So my next step is to talk to HR and start formally performance managing her which will be stressful for me and her and it would be unnecessary if she was just to think about the points I make and act on them.

Thanks so much for all the replies. Really interesting @Fantasisa, that sounds so frustrating. I don't think I react like this outwardly, only in terms of my thought process. It's interesting because i completely beat myself up over things that people DON'T say eg a presentation I gave few weeks ago I wasn't pleased with, when my boss messaged me to say I did a great job i got really upset because I didn't feel that I had and hearing him say that somehow made me feel worse. I am very self-critical in general.

But then when constructive feedback IS given, my thought process is to feel irritated and defensive (while usually knowing that there's truth to it despite whatever excuses I'm putting forth) I think because I'm a bit of a people pleaser I find it really upsetting and take it so personally when someone is displeased with something I've done/the way I've performed.

This all sounds really childish written down. I'm in a senior role and regularly have to give constructive feedback to those I line manage... I am always in awe of how mature most of them are in taking feedback on board. I need to be more like them!

Take it as a challenge. To make changes to the way you deal with things knowing that it will make you an even better person.

It's part of progression of who we are so that we become wiser and more able to cope with the difficulties of life as we get older.

I have 2 different issues going on with me.

1)I took a second part time accounts job the week of lockdown. The woman is utterly impossible and the way she speaks to me I find offensive. her accounts were a total mess and I have worked my way through religiously working extra extra hours to try and get on top of things. right from the off she said to me : I don't know what you spend all your time doing / why is this taking so long / all this only takes a second / why is this / why is that.

To which I have calmly explained each time : yes I know it only takes a few seconds to run the reports but I can't run meaningful reports until I've logged on, dealt with all the emails and processed all the invoices and reconciled the banks and only then can I give you reports.

But she keeps on questioning me.

I find the way she speaks to me and the fact she is what she's basically insinuating to me is that I'm .....what? not working hard enough? or she thinks that this part of the accounts job should only take half an hour and it's taking me two hours? That I'm incompetent or slow?

well the reason why it's taken me two hours is because your accounts are in such a mess! because the previous bookkeeper didn't do a very good job for the last two years and I've got plough through all the mess to clear this all up.

I've told her this many times. I know I'm good at my job and I find the fact that she keeps questioning me this way actually insulting.

All my friends say all you need to grow a thicker skin. but actually I haven't never worked for anybody before who wasn't appreciative of how good I am. I don't need to be praised, just an annual thanks suffices me.

but when she digs at me every single week it I find it insulting.

none of my friends can understand why I let her bother me and why I haven't just put it to one side. but I seem unable to. I hate working for her.

2)My second issue is the way that my husband and both ds's talk to me.

my youngest DS plays football and I was speaking to all the football mums today and they say that all their sons are the same so I know it's not just me! (Which j knew before)

I have an underlying health condition, I'm permanently knackered. and I now work two jobs totalling four days a week. and I run a very good house and I provide nice meals and I keep track of everyone's parents evening etc I know that what I do is good enough.

For the last few weeks : getting the ds's back to school / 6th form etc : I have said to everybody : look I'm really struggling and I need a bit more support.

And then on the Tuesday ( I'm working for this very difficult woman, knowing that I've got a days holiday the next day, so I'm actually trying to fit two days work into one day)

and I'm really struggling and my eldest son comes home from school and said : "oh I see you haven't even bothered to unload the dishwasher and you haven't hung the washing out".

and I sat there and I looked at him with anger and disgust. how dare you speak to me like that ! I blew my top.

you basically criticising me. saying I'm lazy / you haven't done this.

my son later said: no we don't mean it that way, it's not a criticism. And I said yes it is!

So he commented that I couldn't take criticism from my new boss. And
Accused me of not being able to take criticism, re what he'd said to me that day.