To send one child to private school

[Whatamesshasbreakfast]

My older child has special needs and goes to a local state school. It’s a lovely lovely inclusive school and we are so happy with it. It’s the right school for her. The intention has always been that our younger child should also start reception there next year.

But we’ve been starting to wonder if it’s the right thing. Maybe we should be letting her have her own space by sending her to a different school. In general, her sister’s needs are going to be a strong influence throughout her life, and she is likely to face compromises. We are so torn as to whether they should go to school together and have that shared community, or whether we should allow them both to have their own space.

The thing is, to do that, the younger daughter would have to go to private school (the only other local state school has a VERY bad reputation with special needs and i wouldn’t want to put her in an environment where children similar to her sister are not treated well).

Am I being unreasonable? Is it a terrible thing to do to spend a small fortune on one child’s education, and not the other?

It's what we did.

I can imagine issues like longer school holidays would cause a rift between them.

I think in your situation it would make a lot of sense. Your daughter will always be a sister to her sister, in her own school she may be able to carve out a role for herself as Her, not just as her sister’s sister.

I'd send her to the same state school but make very clear they are not to call on your younger one to 'help' elder in any way (if that might be a possibility). I think the logistics and expense of private will outweigh benefits. Also state school sounds good so they might be able to provide support and understanding to younger one.
Money saved can be used for separate holiday clubs or activities to give younger one space.

The only thing that matters is support is for the sen, private is red herring here.

I think it would be be sensible to send her to the lovely state school for primary and maybe reevaluate when she gets to secondary age? Depending on your eldest childs needs they may need different patheays at secondary anyway. I would be wary to separate at primary as the difference in experiences and holiday length etc could cause issues between them.

My parents did this with me and my DBro, only the other way round, he had special needs so they paid for him to have private education from age 11 & I went to the local comp. He’s now running his own business.

Sorry I mis read the op.

Not sure, being called to help the sister would be off I think it's more about younger sister witnessing older being bullied or left out?

Separate schools is definitely the way to go.

I wish I had realised this earlier. It didn't work having an SEN sibling in the same school environment, so I took this very same decision and split them into different schools, one of them private.

Wish I had done it from the off.

I would make this decision at secondary age not primary. If the school her sister attends is good enough for your youngest then send her there. I don't understand this "have their own space" the are not twins.

What’s the age gap? I would think the lovely state school would be fine for both children

God that's a tough one. No advice here but sympathy.

In terms of money isn't older getting extra support through the school which may also trigger more £being spent.

Do what's right for each child.
I have 2 dd
1 has flown through school on top grades, I didn't spend any extra on her education. Dd2 needs lots more help.
I'm paying tutors and will do what it takes to get her educated.

Looking longer term, will your child with special needs be able to remain mainstream?
My children go to different schools and the one without additional needs does like his own space and its a place where he isnt 'young carer to' but just him. But his brother goes to a specialist provision and i have to spend a lot of time supporting him access it so cant earn much.

Am I missing something here? Lots of siblings to to the same school, and shock horror that includes those with SEN. It is still possible to attend the same school and 'shared community' and still be an individual. I'm assuming the child with SEN has adequate support and the sibling will be not relied on as a carer.

If the only reason for sending her private is because you think she will be overshadowed by her sister's needs then I genuinely think you are worrying needlessly. I'm a teacher and I can honestly assure you that your DD will be treated as her own person. I have taught the siblings of pupils in my school with Down Syndrome, severe autism and various other SEN but within your own class you focus on the pupils within that class. We certainly have never called on siblings to come and intervene in class! We currently have a young child who has started at our school with severe, non-verbal autism who has struggled a bit to settle but it wouldn't even occur to the staff to call on his brother.

I genuinely wouldn't give siblings another thought unless I thought anything that was happening at home was affecting my pupil, eg we can ask for siblings to be referred to Young Carers.

I have never noticed any of the other pupils being bothered about who another child's sibling is either - they are generally only concerned with the children immediately around them.

If you are concerned, why not speak to the school first. It does seem like a big decision to make on what may very well be unfounded fears.

Also, in my very long experience of primary school, children are very understanding and even protective of the children with additional needs. I wouldn't worry about the younger children seeing the older child being bullied or left out. And if she did, then the failure of the school to deal with that would be reason to choose another school, not just being in the same school as a sibling with SEND.

I don't think there's anything amiss in what you're proposing - I apologise for the clumsily worded question, but is the eldest child likely to resent the younger going to private school and feel like they've gotten a raw deal because of their additional needs? I know that depends on the level of awareness and the additional needs in question (not that I'm asking you to share, but of course additional needs covers a huge spectrum).

However, I would perhaps wait until the situation regarding secondary becomes clearer - depending on the area you live in, it may be more difficult to find a state school with good SEN provision at secondary level so it may be that your eldest would benefit from private school more at this stage?

But if you're confident that the state education system will be able to provide good support for your eldest throughout, I don't think there is anything wrong with what you propose if you think it's the right thing for them both.

Thank you for your thoughts. I hadn’t actually thought about the holidays but that’s a really good point.

I think we’d be constantly sad that our eldest didn’t have access to the same music, sport, etc opportunities but she probably wouldn’t ‘access’ them in the same way anyway.

Ugh it’s a minefield, this parenting lark.

Oh sorry the post just updated and other comments appeared. Thank you!

That’s really helpful to see a teacher’s perspective, and the other posters’ questions and comments too.

I know we wouldn’t be reinventing the wheel if we sent both girls together, but I do want to at least think about what’s best for both of them. It’s not so much that I worry she’d be called on to care or interpret, more that her sister has a bit of celebrity status (for good or for bad) - a whole other decision there about how long mainstream will appropriate in terms of peers - and I wonder how that would affect my small feisty, slightly anxious one.

I wouldn’t send to private just because you want them to have different schools.

If you think the private school is a good (better than the state option) for for your daughter that would be a good reason.

Have you looked round the private? What do you think?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in choosing the best school for each individual child based on individual needs, interests and abilities.

I think you have to be careful here that you don't build resentment between your children. The SEN child could easily look back and think that the high-flying younger sibling was given the best education money could buy, while she, the SEN child, was assumed never to amount to much, so was left in the local state school.

I was sent to boarding school because I was really academic and my parents didn't want my less academic sibling to feel overshadowed by me and they couldn't manage to do two different school drop-offs every day so the easiest thing was to get rid of one of us. Less academic sibling went to private day school. I look back now on that and am horrified. My sibling complains because mine was big fat well-known public school and hers was a lesser-known private school.

What would you be doing if your daughter hadn't got her older sibling? I'd probably do that. Also unless it's a very small school or there is only one year between them I wouldn't think your younger one would be that affected by the older one within school

I would keep them together for primary, but separate for secondary.

At primary, especially as she's already there, she'll be just "Miniwhats' sister" and accepted. At secondary, that's when children start being embarrassed by their family and needing to carve out their own path.

I don't think it's necessary to do this at primary level.being in the same school will be beneficial to both your DC in numerous ways.

At secondary level then even without special needs in the equation it would be always reasonable to consider your two children as individuals and make the best choice for them separately. if the right choice for your eldest child is a state secondary school and the right choice for your younger child is a private school then that is fine, but I would expect you to earmark some funds for any extracurricular activities (possibly with an SEN focus) that your elder child can access separately from school, as your younger child will have a fully inclusive experience via school.

what would be unethical would be to disregard a secondary private option for your elder child that would be a much better fit than the best the state can offer, which you choose not to pursue because you are spending all your resources on your other child. your children don not need to be treated the same - indeed there will be a lot of times when they will need to be treated very differently, but they should be treated equitably.