To send one child to private school

[Whatamesshasbreakfast]

My older child has special needs and goes to a local state school. It’s a lovely lovely inclusive school and we are so happy with it. It’s the right school for her. The intention has always been that our younger child should also start reception there next year.

But we’ve been starting to wonder if it’s the right thing. Maybe we should be letting her have her own space by sending her to a different school. In general, her sister’s needs are going to be a strong influence throughout her life, and she is likely to face compromises. We are so torn as to whether they should go to school together and have that shared community, or whether we should allow them both to have their own space.

The thing is, to do that, the younger daughter would have to go to private school (the only other local state school has a VERY bad reputation with special needs and i wouldn’t want to put her in an environment where children similar to her sister are not treated well).

Am I being unreasonable? Is it a terrible thing to do to spend a small fortune on one child’s education, and not the other?

Forget trying to do the same for both, do what is optimum for each individually. I have mine at different schools and it works for us.

My oldest has special needs and went to the local primary. DS2 also went there one year later, they really liked being at the same school and seeing each other. Yes teachers knew him as DS1 brother but that’s the same as when I went to the same school as my older sister. When it came to high school DS1 went to special school and DS2 to the local secondary. I do think that for secondary it’s a good thing to have their own identity.

Both my children attended 2 small (one 90 pupils, other 210) primary schools. Being siblings wasn't relevant in their day to day lives. They have now gone on to a private secondary.

In your shoes, I would keep the money for now, as you may need it later for your elder daughter, or to transfer the younger one to private at the end of infants or juniors. Is there good secondary provision for your first daughter? You may need to move house to secure something that suits her. I'm not suggesting she always gets "priority," but the hard fact is that a right place for a child with SN can be rare, while a NT child can manage in most decent schools, private or state

I'm going to go against the grain here. I grew up in the shadow of a sibling with cancer. Against the odds they survived and we have a wonderful relationship but I found school so hard. I was constantly anxious about them and was always being asked questions about them by well meaning parents and staff. I actually found out the cancer had come back because I teacher told me they were so sorry to hear about it. The school decided to have a fundraiser for something for them. I felt so embarrassed as I knew we had more money than most of my friends. The school knew life was hard so didn't make me do homework etc and as a consequence I got behind. What the school does or doesn't do won't necessarily change how your child feels about it. Also, the fact that a teacher says up post that they wouldn't do various things is great but that doesn't mean that this applies to all teachers. Depending on your child's needs and also on other factors like how long you live, your second child may have caring responsibilities for a large part of her lifetime. You have chosen the school you think is right for your first child and it is brilliant that it is working so well. However,
you talk about the other state school being bad for your first child and that, because of reasons associated with this (although very valid reasons), it would be bad for your second child. You need to be thinking now about the best school for your second child independently.

Such a hard decision and there are no easy answers. Good luck. I'm sure that whatever decision you make you will have thought about it carefully and that it will work out.

I would as its whatever is right for each child. My DSs friend went to a private school (because he passed the test) but his brother didn't. His brother instead went to an excellent state school. There was no hard feeling. If anything it was better because they had separate lives and both thrived.

My kids barely saw each other at the same state primary. I’m not quite understanding why they wouldn’t have their own space there.

Also, if I was sending one child private, I’d send the child with special needs who probably needs it more.

I am 48 and my bother is 51 and he still likes to complain that I went to Private school while he went to a “shit compo”
I got a full scholarship while he refused to take the exam and his shit compo was actually a really good school that had just converted from a Grammar
His rubbish exam results at school and his subsequent crappy jobs were all down to the fact that he hadn’t had the same opportunity as me apparently. He then went in the army and after that started his own successful business and is doing well now but every thing that went wrong was because he didn’t go to the Private school
Obviously that’s rubbish but the resentment is there all these years later

It’s not just the logistics of school holidays. What about start/finish times, conflicting sports days/carol concerts/etc?

I have 3 dc in 3 different schools (combination of age and SN), and its a nightmare to coordinate. At the end of this term (if they all make it that far in school) I have 2 finishing on the same day, at the same (early) time, 15 miles apart. Obviously I can’t do both pick ups! Sibling rivalry means they keep close tabs on which one went home with a friend last time this happened, and of course, I’m relying on others being willing/able to help out.

I’d say keep them in the same school if at all possible, and it does sound possible in your situation.

You also say the other state school is t suitable due to the way it treats children with SN - the same is true for a lot of private schools. There are many where children with additional needs are managed out, or not supported properly because the statutory need for the school to provide help is not there. That’s something not to overlook, imo (depending on type of SN). You would be potentially putting your younger daughter into an environment where people like her sister are air brushed out - simply not represented at all, and it’s worth bearing in mind the messages this gives, when it is seen alongside the ‘striving for excellence’ ethos of many private schools.

If you think the other school meets your daughter’s needs better, then sure. But not because you want her to have her own space. She will have her own class, her own friends, her own life whichever school you choose.

I don't think I would do that TBH. I think if your older DCs needs we're complex enough that they needed to go to a special school then I would consider private for the younger. However if older DC is able to cope in mainstream albeit with support I think I would send them to the same school. There are so many benefits practically from having them both at the same school and of course no risk of resentments etc later on.

If it makes sense for your family - perhaps save equivalent money to provide for future training/education for your dd after she finishes school?

I'd normally say don't worry about doing 1 thing for 1 kid and 1 for another if you've got best interests at heart.
But how rare is a lovely, lovely inclusive school?!? I am also lucky my daughter goes to one of these (she has FASD). The other kids are so accepting and patient as are the parents. Those kids are going to go a long way in life.
It's just one thing to think about but the private school might not have the same ethos and the kids might not be so understanding on playdates etc.

We have done this with our DC. Older child has ASC (severe end of spectrum), younger DC is NT, although has anxiety. DC1 is at a local SEN school, very settled and happy. DC2 is at a private school: we decided on this course of action partly because our life as a family tends to revolve around what DC1 can/can't cope with, and the private school offers lots of different sports, clubs, trips (pre-covid, obviously), that DC2 wouldn't otherwise experience, due to childcare issues for DC1. The start and end times of the school day has never been an issue as the private school offers wrap around care from 7:30am until 5pm (and until 6pm in special cases). So I get DC1 home and sorted, then we pick up DC2. DC1 is non-verbal and aware of very little, so the 'resentment' issue will never arise for us.

Oh, and we've never had any issues regarding play dates - DC2's friends are aware of DC1's issues, as are their parents, and have been nothing but lovely and supportive.

I don't have a SEN child but I know families that do and the needs of the child with SEN always seems to take precedence. I think if you can afford it it would be lovely for your other child to have space of her own and also maximise her potential as an individual. If one child is going to benefit from private more than the other I can't see the issue

Well I have 2 ds, youngest of whom is autistic. If I had the means to send my ds to an independent school I wouldn’t hesitate, not even for a second. My dc are 8 years apart so have never been in the same school together, but even if they had been, if i could’ve financially afforded to send my youngest to an independent school I would have done. But saying that I suppose it depends on a lot of things ie family set up, money, travel etc. My ds has been through hell and back in mainstream school. We managed to get him a place at a specialist school eventually but he’s year 5 now and the damage that was done throughout those early years (even back in nursery) is already done and even though some things are improving, he undoubtedly suffered a certain degree of trauma not having his needs met in school for all those years, and it’s very telling even to this day. So yes, if i could go back and manage to scrape the money together to send him private from day one I’d do it.

No way. I know adults where one sibling went private and it causes huge rifts even now!

The only circumstances I’d even consider is if I had one DC with such serious SEN that they cannot attend a mainstream school. That clearly is not the issue here. I’d be worried my older child would feel the younger would be ashamed to be at the same school as her.