Women will always have more housework

[Almondmilk]

No matter what. I live in one of the most equalitarian country and I still drop and pick my kid from school, always get up first for breakfast and morning routine, cook, clean, tidy, do laundries. Sometimes he does help, sometimes.

I do think for a lot of women it does require a shift in thinking as society does still seem to expect that women do all this stuff. I do wonder if much of this is perpetuated by women actually. Their sons marry and they expect the wife to 'look after them', although this too is changing.

A good example of this is the mental load. Women just need to thinking about when birthdays are and buying presents. His family coming to stay, he should take the lead on organising bed making, tidying food etc. The problem is that women become sahm and think that they need to take ALL of these tasks on as it is their 'job'. I don't know any man who works 24/7.

I disagree but I have low standards and am not spending my only free time (weekends) cleaning when there’s way more fun stuff to do. I do the morning routine because I m self employed and work from home so I can choose my hours, DH leaves for work at 6.30am. I do work through to midnight most nights though so DH cooks dinner and washes up. I do laundry as it’s easy when I m at home, we split everything else but we don’t have particularly high standards, maybe a couple of hours a week cleaning. Life is way too short.

@hesaidshesaidwhat I don’t carry the mental load in my marriage because I choose not to. My husband and I are on completely equal footing. If his Mum’s birthday is coming up and he forgets that’s on him. I’m not his manager. People get treated how they allow themselves to be treated (to be clear I’m not including abuse victims here).

My boundaries and expectations are very clear! I don’t do the majority of the housework and I don’t have children because I don’t want to sacrifice my opportunities. You have to take charge in order to have the life you want.

I think that women DO end up doing the bulk most of the time, but there's usually a reason for that - often their DP works full time while they're at home with the kids, so there is more opportunity for them to get things done.

Me and DP try and keep things even but I don't mind doing more at the moment as my work is almost non-existent since lockdown whereas his industry (funerals..) is thriving.

I think on the whole though, it is what you make it. If you're happy to just potter about and get things done then he's going to let you (as I'm sure you would him!) But if it's getting to you, speak up.

This is probably hugely sexist, but I think women have higher standards than men. So they see that something needs to be done before men do. For example my DP would put a load of washing in if no more would fit in the basket. Whereas I hate it being more than about a quarter full. So I take action before he does, meaning he rarely does it .. if that makes sense.

Mine does more overall than me if you include cooking. But I wasn't willing to compromise on that. I would rather have stayed single and childless than marry a chauvinist/manchild/cocklodger (delete as appropriate ).

We do half and half I think

My husband does most of the housework because he actually has standards. I do not

Me, all over.

Do not apologise for anything, especially not for reading the text in time.

The “statistics” right now are based on self reported surveys which are the worst, most inaccurate way to gather data.
In addition “housework” definition excludes all work outside the house- house maintenance, lawn mowing/weeding/gardening, landscaping, car maintenance, dog walking and all DIY activity within the house- tasks that are traditionally male. So the definition of housework is already biased towards traditionally female activities- cleaning, cooking, sewing, child care.

Personally, I think if a real actual scientific study were done with a more egalitarian definition of “housework” we’d see the division on a population level is not as bad as the media likes to report.

I know in my home, my DH works just as hard and as long as I do to keep everything going.

You only have more housework if you agree to it, equally things like christmas, birthdays etc. DH and I have been very equitable for the 20 something years we've been together, but talk about things and work them out.

The fact that women overall do more household is certainly not an indvidual choice women make. If only it were that simple! That's like women choose to be paid less.

It's systemic and it relates to power, stereotypes, male entitlement and expectations. This is currently baked into the society we live in and it is changing but very, very slowly.

Of course there are examples in individual couples where a man does as much or more. But overall women do more.

A lot has to change before individual women have the power to be able to just stop doing so much housework.

It's not women's fault for making the wrong choice. It's bigger than that.

Here my daughter and I do way more than a “fair share” OH wouldn’t see that though! If I make breakfast I empty and refill dishwasher, put on a load of washing, sweep the floor and sort washing... he makes breakfast and piles the dishes in the sink! He’s done HIS bit though.

I think it’s the expectation of chores being divided as opposed to the natural multi tasking of being a Mum!

There are millions of women who ‘allow’ that to happen with their partners and millions of mothers who ‘allow’ their male children to do nothing, thus causing the problem to continue.

Dh does far more housework, cooking and childcare than me. I do more of the wife work like paying bills and organising holidays etc

If I "choose" not to do 50%+ of the mental load, it isn't my dh who would suffer but my dcs, and I'm not prepared to let that happen.

A lot has to change before individual women have the power to be able to just stop doing so much housework. It's not women's fault for making the wrong choice. It's bigger than that

I agree to an extent that the issue is societal and very ingrained but women still have a choice. Like I said before, not having children gives you much more freedom to call the shots. Once the kids are around (as in the above example) it's a lot harder to make a stand.

Women could bring men to their knees if we collectively decided no longer to procreate until we got what we wanted. We hold the power, we just choose not to use it.

I think it’s the expectation of chores being divided as opposed to the natural multi tasking of being a Mum!
There is nothing about being a mum that tells us to multi-Fucking-task! Can we please stop apologising for the men-children our past generations dumped on us!?

@Slightlybrwnbanana

If I "choose" not to do 50%+ of the mental load, it isn't my dh who would suffer but my dcs, and I'm not prepared to let that happen.

Then you are choosing to set an example that is going to keep this cycle going.

It's all to do with reaching your limit.
As soon as the bin gets to the top he empties it, whereas for myself I would wait till it got much more filled.
Same with vacuuming. His tolerance is lower than mine so he does.
He usually washed his dishes as soon as he had used it whereas I wait til thensink is filled and do them all at once.
I do most of the laundry.

He works evenings, so has lie in the mornings whereas I get up early for work and get the kid ready for school.
Etc.
His general tolerance for mess, full bins and vacuuming is much lower than mine so it naturally became his chores. I would do all those things, but by the time it would get to when I would have done it.
He has already done it.

Hmmm I have to say in our house it is inequal. I have tried over the years to write rotas, talk it through get cross. He just does not seem to have much awareness of what needs doing and will sit watching tv/ playing with his phone amongst the mess
We work same amount...but this is the split
Laundry/ ironing - me
Shopping-me
Cooking- mostly me
Hoovering -me
General tidying-me
Cleaning bathroom-me
Empting bins- me
Cleaning out pets cages/ feeding -me
Paying Bill's for childcare/ dinners-me
Taking bottles to recycle- DH (when nagged)
Loading dishes-DH

When I write it down it sounds worse!

I'll be honest and say I do feck all, cleaning wise. DH's territory. I do laundry and cooking.

Even before we lived together he used to drop the kids (mine)at school/nursery for me as I had to get an early train for uni. Otherwise it was a mad dash.

He's a gem

Depends on the people in the couple. Of my friends, in most relationships the women end up doing more of the childcare / housework - even those with excellent careers.

Before kids, I lived with a man who probably did more housework than I did, definitely in a more organised fashion (I just do things all the time, whereas he had set days for certain jobs and took a while doing them).

Since having children (different fathers) both the men did less than I did. One was always keen to "help" but didn't just do stuff. The other did a fair bit, quite equal until I went on maternity leave and then I took on all the house stuff really.

Don't apply your own low standards in choosing a partner to all of us please.

All housework (and everything else) shared equally in this house
Some men are hopeless but I know some women who can't seem to relinquish control of housework

@Totickleamockingbird so what would you suggest? I don't ensure the children have fun birthdays and Christmases and a decent packed lunch. I don't buy the ingredients to bake with them meaning they never have this experience growing up. I don't put effort in at the school gates so they don't have play dates and get invited to parties.
Wouldn't it be nice if some of the blame was apportioned to the men that have an easier life off the back of women's labour? Always easier to blame the woman.
FWIW, dh does a lot more than many of the men I know - and their wives/partners don't seem to complain about them. Once you notice the inequality it is harder to be content with a less than 50/50 split.