ExH, New Partner and Children

[boymum9]

I have posted a lot over the last couple of years in regards to breakdown of marriage and things that went on (name exh stalking me, interfering in my new partners place of work, and finally me finding out that he'd had a secret camera in my bedroom for a year).

We split up nearly 2 years ago, I've been with my new partner for nearly 1.5 years, ex h and I have two children, aged 5 and 3 and they haven't yet met my new partner, we held off for a long time to make sure it was a serious relationship and not just someone fleeting into their lives and leaving again, but for a while now we decided he wouldn't meet the children yet out of respect for my ex.

I bought up him meeting them with my exh and he has basically demanded that he meets and sits down and speaks with new partner first, alone. Is this normal? I have spoken to new partner about this and he is very reluctant to right away considering everything that has happened in the last year that has been very difficult to deal with and there has obviously been a huge invasion of his privacy as well as mine and feels like ex h will just use it as a chance to control things (ex is extremely controlling, note the stalking/ hidden camera/ stealing my phone to look through it while we weren't even together)
He suggested that he'd feel a lot more relaxed to speak with him in passing after a couple of months of him having met the children. We only would plan on him meeting them as a friend and in neutral settings such as the park for many months initially, aibu to just say no that we don't feel comfortable with that? I don't know what to say

I hope you reported that hidden camera to the police.

No fucking way! Stop letting that piece of shit continue to control you.

No way. You’re not together anymore so he doesn’t get any say over who you spend your time with. Why would you give him the power?

Ex partners wanting to meet new partners before the children do isn’t unusual because there’s usually lots of emotion surrounding these things, but it almost never really necessary, or for the benefit of the children.

In your case though it goes way beyond normal heightened emotions, and you should tell your ex no. The man is crazy. You’re obviously being very cautious with regards to your children meeting someone new, and that is enough. If your co parent won’t accept reasonable reassurance that you are doing the right thing for the dc then that’s his problem and he can’t take it to court if he wants. Until he does that, it’s not your problem, you don’t have to answer to him on every aspect of your parenting.

OP, you do not have to say yes to this, and definitely not just the two of them alone - there's no need for that. Maybe all three of you could meet in a coffee shop?

You say no.
It’s a complete sentence.

If you’re ex was a normal person who didn’t stalk and spy on you I’d say yes no problem he wants to meet someone who will be in his kids life. However, due to your ex’s creepy and vile
History I would not let him meet your partner he’s just trying to control you.

No.

Thank you, I really appreciate these replies. I am slowly getting stronger at standing up to him but because of his behaviour, and things he's done (which included threatening suicide) i have been extremely cautious in dealing with him for the last couple of years, I was young when we met (16, he was early 20s) and we were together 14 years and so it's not until I left the relationship I realised some of his behaviour wasn't normal and it's been a long road to wake up and adjust to that.

You've been separated a good while now and I see no reason to make these demands to meet partners.

With someone as controlling as your Ex, I don't really understand why you would actually do this.

No, your partner should not be expected to do this, and by the sounds of things the ship has long since sailed on him being the judge of who is trustworthy.

@Dominicgoings

You say no. It’s a complete sentence.

Fuck off you creepy stalker Is another. No way.

It would be a fuck no from me.

I wouldn’t blame your partner if he never wanted to meet your ex.

I agreed in that I wouldn't blame him at all if he never wanted to meet him! He's been incredibly tolerant and patient and understand through everything.

There is nothing to say that I can just go ahead with him meeting my children without my ex's permission is there?

Don't your children live with you? How is it they haven't met your ''new'' partner of 1.5 years?

@tara66 yes of course they live with me, they haven't met him because he never comes over when they're here and I only see him on the days my ex h has the children.

You don't need your ExH permission and you certainly don't have to let him meet your partner!!

It more controlling behaviour from your Ex.

You never need your ex’s permission to do anything ever again.

This is just remnant bullshit he trained you on when you were together still rearing it’s head. He has no rights over your thoughts or actions at all. Got it?

Pandering to his preferences only hurts your recovery, and risks any new relationship. It isn’t about being ‘nice’, it’s about having as little to do with him as possible and protecting your family.

Would you want to meet his next partner? I would go with assumption that new adults in children's lives want to me other adults living with their kids?

By the way, it seems obvious your ex would be shitting himself at you forming a relationship with someone normal, and doubly so at his kids figuring out that his model of manhood is the disordered one. No doubt your ex would love one final chance to put your boyfriend off from you, and the kids.

Given what he’s done in the past, I’d be very careful during these next months as the kids get to know your boyfriend. Keep your wits about you, eyes wide open to renewed illegal tactics.

@seayork2020 yes I would, but I wouldn't demand that a condition of someone meeting them would be that I meet them alone first, after a year of acting the way that he did! My partner has said that he would be happy to meet him (all together) after a month or so after things settled

@Girlzroolz you're right, I never really thought of that

IMHO your ex- partner has nothing to do with your relationship(s) with other men or anybody - unless they are drug users/dealers, criminals, abusers, insane etc. Your children should be able to meet your friends/boy friends/new partners - whether they come and go or are permanent fixtures - it is part of life and you are entitled to ''a life''. Partners can come and go - as in the case of their father (although of course they have the relationship with him). They are no longer living with him permanently it would seem. Your Ex. is not the ''moral police'' for you or your relationships in any way. As for him ''vetting'' your new partner - it's completely outrageous.

It's none of his business you should tell him your bf is meeting kids out of respect but he does not need to meet him. He should trust your judgement after all you had the sense to get shot of him.

Thank you everyone