Can you be too nice? Has anyone accused you of this?

[whatisforteamum]

I've been told this recently and it has been said before.I try to be considerate and see things from other peoples point of view.
Having been bullied when I was.younger and receiving a lot of criticism from my dm..still do! I try.to give people the benefit of the doubt nice until proven otherwise.
That said I am quiet.assertive and will stand my ground and refuse to do anything I don't want to in life.
Can someone be too nice or have the accusers had bad experiences so they are bitter themselves?

Hard to say - I have been accused of being "too nice" by a boss who later fired me - mainly because I wasn't much like her. I've tried to rationalise it to avoid getting fired again - I was in fact being naive about politics in the organisation. I will try not to do that again, but I'm not going to be nasty to suit others.

Too nice as a criticism - doormat.

You can be nice without being taken advantage of though.

I've never heard someone say it about another person. I've seen people describe themselves as "too nice" but what they mean is "I allow myself to get walked all over then seethe with resentment about it rather than doing something constructive." I'd be interested to know who said it to you and why.

I had a 'friend's say this to me many years ago and what she meant was I didn't have any boundaries and let people walk all over me. She then proceeded to exploit me in every way possible until I ended the friendship. I have worked very hard on my people pleasing tendencies since which came from a dysfunctional, highly critical childhood. Not sure what they mean in your case though if you are assertive when necessary. Kindness and tolerance can be seen as weakness by unscrupulous people so perhaps they are looking out for you?

Yes a few months after I started my job. I was told I was to nice and accommodating to patients and I needed to be a bit harder with them and not let them get their own way. 🤷‍♀️ I didn't take any notice and I'm 3 years into the job now

Agree with pp. Being "too nice" is code for being a doormat. I think people find it irritating to watch because they don't understand why someone would be so weak to let people use them as badly as some people do. Also, some of these "too nice" people use the excuse that they are a nice person to avoid confrontation in life. They let people walk all over them to keep the peace. That can irritate people too.

I think you can be too nice.

An example of a situation I was in, was someone was making unreasonable demands of another friend. When they said they couldn't meet it, they'd put things out on SM about how badly they were treated-totally twisted in their favour. When they complained they would take it down and say it went up "by accident". (not even an apology)
So the first person would say "no worries, don't do it again...." repeat.

It's exactly the same as when you see a parent bleating "don't do it again or I'll take you home" twenty times over the hour.

Yep code for ‘doormat’ or ‘mug’ in my experience - it’s not a compliment!

I have 2 friends who are too nice. It's a shame, as they're obviously lovely but very passive. And you do often find yourself wandering what they really think, but are just too nice to say.

I think that, in general, telling someone that they are too nice is the only polite way of telling them that they are a bit of a drip.

The people I have heard referring to themselves as too nice are the people who refuse to act like adults and create boundaries, then moan to everyone else about how people take advantage of them.

My best friend is too nice. Way too nice, kind and understanding for her own good. Someone could honestly walk up and smack her in the chops and she would be saying things like, there will be a reason they are like that, they will not do it again because they will regret it now after a brief convo. Dosent matter what lever of wanker someone is she still would try to justify it.
I feel for her as she has gone thru life being abused

Yes. I'm accused of this all the time

What it means is that people take advantage I'd say 80% of the time

However. I've now learnt. That's me. I'm conscious of others. How they live. If they've got enough food. Drink. Warmth. Shelter. That's me. I like me. Infact I love me.

So like it. Lump it. Take advantage of it. It is what it is. I'm not self conscious though and whilst I care about others. I don't care what others think of me. All that I do. I do from a gentle and selfless heart.

No one has ever said this to me...

It was one of my bosses.Tbh he has been a bully most of his life.I am definitely not a doormat and always speak my mind.I always ask the difficult question too.
I don't do it to befriend people as I am not a sociable person.I always stick up for anyone being singled out though as I can't bear it.
I asked my DS and he said I had a good balance.

Happyheart are you me😂😂

Me neither @Beamur!

I had a teacher who said to my mum at parent’s evening that I didn’t suffer fools, which my mum repeated to me with some pride.

I realise now that “she doesn’t suffer fools” is code for impatient cow bag. I am working on it.

I agree that some people see kindness as something to be taken advantage of and exploited.

I have heard someone say that about me, and I'm very aware that it was not a compliment..ie: I'm a soft touch. But I look at it this way, if I am not hurting you, why must I change myself so that you approve of me? After all there will be things about you that I don't like all that much, but I am not asking you to change to please me. You can only be yourself. It's really all you have at the end of the day.

As a parent, I have taken the 'be kind' message that gets thrown about and suggested to my DD that 'be fair' is a better approach. Kindness needs to be a two way street.

My exh used to say this sneeringly about me, mainly because I would do favours and nice things without expecting anything in return. I wasn't sure at the time because my self esteem was so low but see it now as a reflection of what kind of a twat person he was.

When we split up, so many people were generous and helped me get back on my feet. It was very humbling but I was reminded by them over and over that it was karma for my past kindnesses.

Beamur exactly! Treat others how you would like to be treated.😊

They used to. I am a classic worm that turned. Used to do anything for anyone then realised I was run ragged, exhausted, stressed, ignoring small DC and not appreciated by those I bent over backwards to help. So I just stopped overnight. No one likes you less when you stop being a doormat, I find. Some people even like you more.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard “too nice” used as a compliment... more to mean pushover or boring (like unwilling to gossip, passive and opinion less, someone who puts a dampener on things). I know people who I would describe as too nice, but could swap with dull/ gullible/ martyrlike/ irritating.

I think the positive version is “lovely”, and it’s very different to “too nice”.

Yes I've been told this by my manager whilst she was 'giving me feedback' so basically telling me I should change.

I felt really badly about it but a big part of my job is keeping everyone happy and that's why I'm actually good at my job. She could not do my job for one minute (although she tells me endlessly she could) and she also is spoken about quite negatively in the company whereas I am liked so I decided to ignore it and any further comments and I am happier for it.

It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round.

@Marisishidinginmyattic, that's interesting what you say about the irritation in other people about folk with a lack of boundaries as my experience has been that a pack mentality can develop in groups towards people who are seen as weak. So it's double whammy for those that have been conditioned as children to not have boundaries. The fear of standing up for themselves and the trauma of being 'bullied' by people who exploit their weakness.