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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try to fix things with a narcissist?

29 replies

Fredup12 · 25/09/2020 13:54

Posting here because I got some really helpful advice on my other thread about ignoring calls from nursery.

On the suggestion of some posters, I’ve been looking into whether my (not so)DH might be a narcissist and a lot of it fits. Never ever apologising, blaming me for everything, putting his interests first...

I think the narcissism is maybe the result of being a golden child and he’s quite damaged by his childhood. I think his outlook probably makes him unhappy too.

But what do I do now? I wish I had seen the red flags sooner, but we’ve been together a long time, married with a child.

I want to see if there is a way to make it work. AIBU to do that? Any ideas how to go about it?

OP posts:
Mary46 · 25/09/2020 14:08

Hi op not sure they will change. My mother is this. Its bloody hard work. Must be difficult if a partner as at least I dont see her every day. Have you told him about his behaviour?

Original poster
Fredup12 · 25/09/2020 14:23

I have but I always end up upset and then frustrated and angry so it gets turned around to all being my fault

OP posts:
Marisishidinginmyattic · 25/09/2020 14:29

Narcissists can't change unless they accept they are narcissist. The very nature of being a narcissist means they won't accept it. It would only work if he somehow manages to. Honestly, I'd get out now before your child is old enough to experience the abuse that you're probably experiencing.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 25/09/2020 14:31

I don’t think they change. My ex didn’t / hasn’t.

workhomesleeprepeat · 25/09/2020 14:31

Why do you want to make it work? He doesn’t sound very nice. And it’s him who has the make a commitment to change, if he even wants to. You can’t fix him, or your relationship on your own.

IncandescentSilver · 25/09/2020 14:34

I did a lot of reading up about this lately, because I was dumped horribly by one I had known for 15 years and been in a relationship with for the last 2 years. He just cut me off out of his life with no warning because he met someone else.

Thats what they are prone to doing. You can invest in them and then they will discard you horribly and move on. Sometimes the more you try to "fix" them, the more they devalue you before the discard.

Given that its your husband, its possible he might want to keep you for vanity reasons - to be seen to have a wife and a good marriage. Who knows? I would protect yourself, rather than trying to fix him.

Original poster
Fredup12 · 25/09/2020 14:39

My son loves him. I would do anything I could to make it work so he can have a happy family unit.

OP posts:
Summer2003 · 25/09/2020 14:42

Get away whilst you can. You can't fix him & it's not your responsibility to fix him either, he's not a child.
My ex of 7yrs was one, absolutely no empathy whatsoever, I was always" to sensitive" or "mental" for voicing my feelings & the insults when challenged were passed off as "just a joke" it's not funny it's draining & potentially mental health damaging.
Can you see yourself with him in 5 or 10 yrs? I wish you well & the strength to do what you need to, get support from friends however embarrassed you may admitting how crappy he is.

IncandescentSilver · 25/09/2020 14:49

Narcissists can be very fond of their children. Because they see them as an extension of themselves and it suits their vanity to see them as perfect. That won't include you. True narcissists will always choose to do whatever serves their self image the most at any point in time, without conscience as to those they hurt. The more emotion you show them, the more they will store it up and use it against you one day.

Mine too was a golden child. Gave up work aged 34, got bought his own large period flat, so no mortgage, complete spoilt brat all his life.

Summer2003 · 25/09/2020 14:50

Ps. Your son can still love him if you're apart, better that than he grows up in a negative environment where you are constantly on edge because you're doing all the emotional labour.
Maybe see if he's willing to try couples therapy, mine wasn't the thought of it freaked him out, that told me plenty about his lack of willing to work it out.

Babdoc · 25/09/2020 14:51

Genuine narcissists are incapable of change, OP, because they just cannot see anyone’s needs except their own. They have no empathy, and believe they are always right.
You are on a hiding to nothing if you stay with this man. I’d cut your losses and leave before wasting any more years of your life being abused, gaslighted and taken for granted. Even if you did stay, he’d probably trade you in for a younger model in a few years time, if he decided that’s what he’d like.

MoiJeJous · 25/09/2020 15:25

YANBU however, you both made a commitment to get married. Nobody said marriage was easy and this is one of those moments. It sounds like a difficult situation, but speak openly and honestly and go to therapy. You should both try as hard as you can, more so him before giving up because you owe it to your marriage and to your son.

MoiJeJous · 25/09/2020 15:27

Oops, *child. Not sure why I said son!

Original poster
Fredup12 · 25/09/2020 15:30

We had therapy once before and what he took from it was that the therapist said it was all my fault not his. I’m not faultless but she really didn’t say that. There were things for both of us to work on

OP posts:
Devlesko · 25/09/2020 15:34

Is he diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder?
If so, it will be unlikely you'll be able to continue in a relationship.
have a look at some of the youtube videos from professionals, they don't think they have done anything wrong and it's always somebody else's fault.
They aren't doing it on purpose it's a disorder you never recover from.

Rainbowshine · 25/09/2020 15:39

It’s really not a good idea to do therapy or couples counselling with a narc or abusive partner.

user1536853684 · 25/09/2020 15:40

He's just plain abusive. No need to try and add diagnostic labels. This is domestic abuse.

We had therapy once before and what he took from it was that the therapist said it was all my fault not his. I’m not faultless but she really didn’t say that.

This is precisely why joint therapy with an abuser should never happen.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme course.

You can't fix this. You can't fix him. He abuses you because he wants to and chooses to. He won't change.

My son loves him

All children want their parents to love them. So what? Do you want to model abuse as normal to your son and continue the cycle for another generation?

Rainbowshine · 25/09/2020 15:40

Sorry posted too soon, maybe have a look on the relationships board @Fredup12 you’ll find you’re not alone and some good advice.

workhomesleeprepeat · 25/09/2020 15:42

@Fredup12

My son loves him. I would do anything I could to make it work so he can have a happy family unit.
OP my dad has narc tendencies. I have no doubt he loves me in his own way, and I do him, but from a distance (my parents live on another continent).

But I am certainly not thankful to my mother for staying with him throughout my childhood. While superficially I was a “daddy’s girl” I was terrified of him, even to this day I do not like upsetting him.

I love my mother, so much, but she made her choice. They are still married. And my brother and I live very, very far away from her. I would love to be closer to her, but that would mean being close to my dad, which I can’t do.

I understand you want to have a “happy family” for you son, and I’m sure he does love your husband. But this “love” is not always what it seems.

I can’t advise you what action to take, but I just wanted to share my experience.

Lonelycrab · 25/09/2020 15:44

Speaking as someone with a narcissistic ex, no there is nothing you can do if they are genuinely disordered. It’s like a bucket with a hole in it; no matter how much love and care you pour into the relationship, it will never be enough. I’m actually pleased we’re not together now, I could have spent years wasting my life trying to be good enough when the actual problem is within them. Early trauma or overindulgence means the damage goes very deep. They’re simply not wired up right and are operating emotionally the same as a small child.

Techway · 25/09/2020 15:51

How old is your son and how long have you been together?

The risk is you will be devalued infront of your son, which will harm your relationship with him. This is what made me leave.

It isn't fixable, Ex H was married before. I now realise he treated his Ex w like me.

Narcissists have Assets (partners or friends who add value, such as status, money), Subordinates, usually children who happily admire them and Enemies (those they have discarded)

If he is a narcissist then you are in the idealise, devalue, discard cycle..usually the devalue cycle lasts longer. The discard is when they line up someone else.

52andblue · 25/09/2020 15:52

"I could have spent years wasting my life trying to be good enough when the actual problem is within them" THIS.

Whether is he is a 'narc' or not, people don't change unless they want to.
When you went to therapy, did he listen to the therapists comments about his behaviour, think about them, consider adjusting his behaviour? No. He doesn't want to change it then. Can you live with it?

knittingaddict · 25/09/2020 16:03

My ex son in law was very fond of the child who looked like him. Not so much of the one who looked like my daughter. It's why she left.

It's a ticking time bomb with men like this. What happens when your child reaches the teenage years and has a mind of his own. I would go so far as to say that no child thrives when they are raised by a narcissist.

Honestly I would leave, but I know it's not that easy. I've seen what people like this do and it's not pretty.

Original poster
Fredup12 · 25/09/2020 16:15

Thank you all so much for your comments. I just feel so lost knowing what to do, my heads just scrambled from years of this i think, so I don’t have enough faith in my opinions these days. I could probably benefit from some therapy myself.

OP posts:
IncandescentSilver · 25/09/2020 16:19

I'll give you a laugh OP. My ex used to commission full size paintings of himself and place them about his home and his place of business. There was a giant sized one of his head in his bedroom!

Maybe make a list of all the strange, narcissistic things he says and does and use it to refer back to. One day it might be helpful to you.