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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel I've let my kids down

34 replies

Felixdhdhe · 25/09/2020 11:14

It has massively been out of my control. To an extent I can't control things. I just feel really guilty. My five year old came up to me last night with her little purse and said, you never take me to the shop anymore for a treat. She's right. I haven't. She's had treats delivered to the house with the Asda shop. I get milk and more deliveries too. So for the first couple of months of lockdown we just did our walks. This was because taking kids to the supermarket was frowned upon and I've actually always done my main shop online. But we used to nip in for bits and bobs or id walk down for something to do.

I went through a stage of feeling ready to go back out. Then masks came in. I got abit anxious about controlling the kids on days out. Not becaue they are naughty but they are sociable creatures and my toddlers not at an age to understand. We tried a zoo day out. It felt awkward. I felt anxious anyway. But I noticed people panicking when my kids went near them. It felt like you could not look at things easily and you had to queue for enclosures which my toddler has no patience for. So I decided we will do more next year if things are more settled.

We had to cancel our holiday. So the kids haven't had a week at the coast.
Then I had to cancel my daughter's swimming lessons because they decided they can't go in the pool with the level one kids. Which is no good for my daughter who is a slower learner and needs the extra support in the water. I knew she'd not benefit from it so I cancelled. Which upsets me because we spent £56 a month on her lessons and now it feels it was for nothing.

We've been for loads of walks. We've been to the park. She's back at school now too. But that's it. My two year old is so lonely and clingy. But he's got nobody to play with. I feel like he's missed out massively without having opportunities to play at the park with other kids, go to playgroup and mixed with family. So that's also making me feel bad. They've not seen hardly anyone apart from us.

I know it's going to sound pathetic but tomorrow I'm going to take my five year old to the shop to get a magazine and some chocolate for a treat.

I do want to start taking them to garden centers and stuff as they used to love looking at the fish and things. But I just never seem to feel confident.

I really don't want this to affect my kids negatively. I feel they have spent a huge amount of time cut off from life. We've forgotten how to live.

I'm not wanting to eat out. The whole masks on in restaurants has killed that for me. So we won't be doing those things for a while.

Do I sound like a bad mum?

What have you been doing with your children?

OP posts:
blubberball · 25/09/2020 11:33

You sound like a lovely mum, and everyone is struggling at the moment. I do feel sorry for our dc having to live with a global pandemic in their childhood, but that isn't in our control. Take control of what you can, and take little steps towards doing safe activities you feel comfortable with. Things will get better. Flowers

Frostiesfortea · 25/09/2020 11:38

You sound like a great mum. It’s been really hard in all our kids regardless of age. I also think being a mum is 99% feeling guilty. Social media doesn’t help when everyone else seems to be getting it right and doing better.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Why but get get some stuff delivered and do a little shop game at home with her?

billy1966 · 25/09/2020 11:59

You sound like a really great mum.
This is a very difficult and trying time.

Your daughter said something to you and you are going to remedy the situation.

Hopefully you will get to do it again at a quiet time, perhaps early morning.

We are all having to adapt to very challenging times.
It's exhausting, but all we can do, is our best.

Flowers
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 25/09/2020 12:14

You aren't letting your kids down. It's the situation.

I can't remember the last time I took mine into the supermarket. Back in February, they liked having a basket and a shopping list of stuff needed for something they were helping to cook (they were 6&8 then, 7&9 now).
A big treat was stopping at McDonalds for a McFlurry on the way home from school. They used to like Pizza Hut for Ice Cream Factory.
As for swimming, I wouldnt have a Level 1 lesson right now. One happens at the same the as DDs lesson, and half the kids seem to be crying as they don't like the big pool without an adult. Would probably be fine in the smaller pool or with a teacher or parent in the water. The only reason mine are swimming right now is they are in 4&5 at 7&9... They learnt differently when we lived abroad

Kanaloa · 25/09/2020 12:27

You don’t sound like you’ve let them down at all! It is a bit rubbish that everything has been cancelled so they’ve missed their holidays and classes, but you can’t control all that.

Maybe tell your daughter the more she has saved up in her purse the bigger treat she can buy eventually! Hopefully soon she will be able to go back to a semblance of normal life.

SpaceOP · 25/09/2020 12:47

I don't think you're letting them down, but I do think that as things eased up you could have introduced a few small things. And that you should make an effort now before we potentially see further lockdowns.

A short trip to a shop for a treat, or an ice cream or something is not super high risk and is certainly still possible. There are various child-friendly venues that are allowing outdoor activities and I've found that that they don't feel terribly unsafe. A playdate, at home or at the park, with a special friend from school should also still be possible and does wonders for the children's mental health.

Camomila · 25/09/2020 12:54

I know it's going to sound pathetic but tomorrow I'm going to take my five year old to the shop to get a magazine and some chocolate for a treat.

You sound lovely, I keep taking my baby to the supermarket just so he can see a different environment. DS1 did yoga and swimming at the same age, DS2 gets to look round Asda!

Its the situation, not you.

PopsicleHustler · 25/09/2020 13:01

I feel bad. That I haven't been able to do anything with my husband and my children. I miss days out and family outings even if it is just to buy arts and crafts from the craft shop. I feel sad for my kids and I wish things were different but it doesn't you or me are bad parents. We are doing the best we can in the current situation

myhobbyisouting · 25/09/2020 13:12

You haven't let them down but why not do something at the weekend?

Plan a trip, stay in a hotel, go to the seaside. The masks in restaurants thing is fine really but if you don't fancy it then get fish and chips.

Where are you based? Let MN plan you a trip Grin

ivfbeenbusy · 25/09/2020 13:13

My daughter went back to swimming lessons. She had only just started learning before covid and isn't very confident. It's taken a couple of weeks but not having the teacher in the pool has actually made her progress quicker than she was going before.....I'd try again with the swimming

FelicityBob · 25/09/2020 13:16

You haven’t let them down, this is not your fault Flowers

1forAll74 · 25/09/2020 13:32

You just have to do what you do each day, and you are doing this. Children missing out on things, will not devastate their future,They will be more overjoyed with things later when things get better.

Going for walks with small children, can teach them lots of things, you don't have to go to paying places for any fun.

Felixdhdhe · 25/09/2020 13:32

Thanks for the replies. As much as I'd love a weekend at the beach we are also on reduced money. Plus it's so cold now.i definitely want to start local. Build myself up then it should surely get easier.

I'm dreading wearing a mask tomorrow in the shop.it feels so unnatural but I'm determined to do it so we can do something.

I've left it too long. I just got in a muddle and was trying to keep out the way. But when Boris announced six more months of masks and limitations I thought well so much for his 12 week speech. We can't obviously live a year like this.

I can't afford the swimming anyway at the moment. I just feel for £13.95 a lesson she should be allowed support in the water. They haven't knocked the price down but they are minimising alot of things. You even have to provide your own woggles etc. Hopefully I can restart her next summer. But we will see.

It really is unfair on children of all ages. It's much harder for them to develop positively with such a limiting life. Especially for my toddler. I will start him at nursery next spring as he will be funded. I just feel robbed. he will never be 2 again. All the little things like softplay and groups we will never have memories off.

Thanks for all the nice comments. All of them are really appreciated and comforting too.

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 25/09/2020 13:39

Masks in shops is one of the things that gets easier. A lot of restrictions are sound scarier than they are.

The shops are full of children again, so don't worry about that either.

myhobbyisouting · 25/09/2020 13:45

"It really is unfair on children of all ages. It's much harder for them to develop positively with such a limiting life"

Look, you're not being a bad parent, you haven't let them down but you do need to work on making it the most positive experience you can.

If your daughter needs an adult in the pool take her swimming. You can teach her water confidence. Stick on a face covering (can be a scarf or snood) and go to the garden centre. Feed ducks.

You can make a whole day out an adventure - print off a nature bingo for each for them and head off somewhere new for a walk.

Have a look at treasure trails online. They do great little packs for £6.99 and it's fun to do for all ages. You can get an ice cream or whatever half way round and pick up an activity to do afterwards.

Basically, get up, get out and get on with it. Your kids don't have to miss out, soft play isn't the be all and end all. Your kids will be happy with spot the red car/bird/leaf etc

myhobbyisouting · 25/09/2020 13:47

www.treasuretrails.co.uk

Good cheap fun right on your doorstep. The kids love it

MotherPiglet · 25/09/2020 13:50

OP, we're all just doing what's best for our families. You sound like a great mum and you're trying to keep everyone as safe as possible. I have a 2 year old too and I often feel so sad for how thing has completely changed the way we live. We used to be at groups or softplay and out with friends everyday but now he only sees me and DH. It's hard, you have my sympathy. Do what you feel safest doing, you're doing a great job.

yearinyearout · 25/09/2020 13:53

How about wrapping them up and doing a trip to a farm park or something? Somewhere outdoors so you won't have to wear a mask. I only live in a small town and we have several near us.

scarfy · 25/09/2020 13:59

You are doing the best you can!! We all feel like crap parents right now and it's so tough seeing our kids missing out on the things they love :(

Twigletfairy · 25/09/2020 14:18

You're not a bad mum, but you do need to accept that things are going to be this way for a good while and you need to adjust.

Get used to wearing a mask, why does it stop you going for a meal? Instead of having a negative attitude towards it without even trying, why cant you just give it a try and see how it goes?

Life really isn't that limiting for most children right now. I have a 3.5 year old and a 10 month old. They both have weekly swim lessons, weekly visit to the zoo, weekly visit to an adventure play farm. Eldest has climbing classes weekly and nursery 9 hours a week. Then our daily dog walk we go wherever we fancy. We go for meals out every couple of weeks or so. We go to the park when we fancy it. If you're sensible you don't have to hide away. You don't need groups

Winter2020 · 25/09/2020 14:21

Hi,
We have decided to start our 2 year old at nursery even though he won't get funded hours until after Easter next year. A 3 hour session is just under £15. Only doing this because a lot of ordinary activities and groups are closed and winter is looming.

If your income has dropped have you checked if you are eligible for any of the benefits that trigger 2 year old funding? If you are the funding is for 15 hours I believe.

www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/free-childcare-2-year-olds

myhobbyisouting · 25/09/2020 14:42

"have a 3.5 year old and a 10 month old. They both have weekly swim lessons, weekly visit to the zoo, weekly visit to an adventure play farm. Eldest has climbing classes weekly and nursery 9 hours a week. Then our daily dog walk we go wherever we fancy. We go for meals out every couple of weeks or so. We go to the park when we fancy it."

Your kids must be knackered @Twigletfairy Grin

Howmanysleepsnow · 25/09/2020 14:50

Mine are a little older and we are in a lockdown. I don’t feel comfortable in the supermarket with them as they touch things/ get too close, but find an empty newsagents much easier. They both have masks with characters on which they love. I wouldn’t risk soft play etc at the moment, or indoor swimming, but we’ll drive to a beach/ stream to paddle and I’ve just found a heated outdoor pool just over an hour away which is open until the end of the month. A farm park or deer park would be much quieter than a zoo so I plan to visit those. The park/ playground is an option too (mine do Nhs handwashing well and we take sanitizer). They’ve both learnt to roller skate and ride bikes without stabilisers so we do that a lot. I’m planning a night time treasure hunt with sweets attached to glow sticks for Halloween, and a fire pit and marshmallows for bonfire night. We’re driving to new places for walks too (bonus if there’re rocks/ trees to climb on or rock pools to explore).

Twigletfairy · 25/09/2020 15:10

@myhobbyisouting

Thankfully, still don't bloody sleep all night though! Getting out the house saves my sanity, my eldest isn't one for staying in. There's only so many times I can hear 'muuuummmmmyyyy, where we going today? Muuuuuuummmmmy I want to go outside' before I want to scream

Odile13 · 25/09/2020 15:18

Hi OP, I just wanted to say don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s a difficult situation. Do what you can. Also, don’t let yourself get too worked up about wearing a mask in shops. It’s honestly fine (obviously if you don’t have a health condition or some kind of past trauma, I know it’s not easy for everyone but you haven’t mentioned a specific issue with masks). You don’t want your kids to pick up on your nervousness - just put it on and get on with it. Best wishes 💐