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Original poster

First date in years tomorrow - embarrassed about being an unemployed single mum

33 replies

TRex92 · 25/09/2020 11:12

I'm going on the first date I've had in years tomorrow. I'm a single mum of 2 young DC (6 and nearly 2 years old) and after quite a rough few years of depression and other life problems, I'm in a much better place and I'm really looking forward to a bit of adult interaction and company, even if it leads to nothing else. My problem is, I feel a bit embarrassed about my life (ok, maybe that's overdramatic) but I'm not currently in work, although, starting an access course next year which I'm very excited about. My life literally revolves around my little ones at the moment and I'm worried how I may come across. I kind of feel like I'm doing life back to front as I had my first quite young, I'm only 28 now. I've only just started driving lessons, etc. I know this is a self esteem issue and I have come on leaps and bounds with my confidence. Any advice?

OP posts:
Imloosingmyshit · 25/09/2020 11:18

Good for you. Why shouldn’t you have a date? Just take it easy. Think of it as just meeting a friend for a drink. You have achieved at least two fabulous things in tour life. And anyone worth the trouble will think so too. 💐

emptydreamer · 25/09/2020 11:19

I am also a single mother to two small children, but I quit a successful career earlier this year in order to do something else, so also unemployed now. I am not dating, but I noticed that the "casual" interest from men has markedly increased compared to the time when I was in a managerial position in a large multinational.

Northernsoullover · 25/09/2020 11:21

The fact that you are on an access course shows that you have ambition. What worries me is that you think so little of yourself. I was in EXACTLY the same situation as you and because my self esteem was on the floor I allowed myself to be treated very badly. Like yourself though I enrolled on a HE course and knew I was going places. This made me feel much more confident about myself and everything about my life has improved. I have much stronger boundaries around men and people in general.
Tell yourself (and believe it) that you are a valuable person. Don't feel embarrassed about your life talk about your goals (then go and reach them)
I've done my life backwards too. Worked my way down the career ladder when I had children and am only just working my way up. Don't worry about it. We follow our own path. What career do you have in mind?

ThePlantsitter · 25/09/2020 11:23

You're doing an access course. What in? You're learning to drive. How have you found that? You've kept 2 kids alive for 2 years single handed. There must've been many hilarious things happen in that time as well as the (significant!!) challenges. That's what you focus on - you sound like an person who's interested in things, wants to improve herself, and has done a lot in your 28 years. Reframe it! You sound ace!

Original poster
TRex92 · 25/09/2020 11:24

Thanks for the replies :) @Northernsoullover I am hoping to become a social worker.

OP posts:
Frostiesfortea · 25/09/2020 11:26

I think being a single mum is One of the toughest things to do. Hold your head up and be proud of what you’re achieving on your own. Have fun x

TeddyIsaHe · 25/09/2020 11:26

I was made redundant 2 weeks after meeting dp, so was an unemployed single mother. It has never been an issue in the slightest.

If you meet the right guy things like that won’t matter at all. You needn’t feel embarrassed about your life, life isn’t all about what job you do.

JKRowlingIsMyQueen · 25/09/2020 11:26

Please don't worry about it, when I was in my early twenties I dropped out of school because of depression, I never had a proper job and no driving license etc.

I was so embarrassed with my life that I would lie to people telling them I have a nice job, but I had this friend who I told the truth to and he ended up being my first serious relationship.

If he's reasonable he's not gonna judge you for that.

FOJN · 25/09/2020 11:34

I'd give yourself more credit for the overcoming your difficulties and reaching a place where you are optimistic and making plans for a future that's better for you than your past and you've done that whilst having the responsibility of two children.

You sound grounded and have realistic expectations about what you want from dating. I really hope it goes well and you have fun. Don't be embarrassed about your life, if you have the misfortune to meet someone who thinks you should be then walk away and don't look back, they'll have kindly outed themselves as a dick and saved you the trouble.

Original poster
TRex92 · 25/09/2020 12:00

Thanks everyone. Really lovely replies!

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 25/09/2020 12:23

I wouldn’t be embarrassed at all. You sound like you’re doing great! I did an access course before uni as I hadn’t had the chance to get my qualifications at school. I actually think it’s something to be proud of rather than ashamed of.

Lots of mums with very young children have spent their time bringing them up rather than in the work place. You’ll have plenty to talk about. Good luck!

madcow88 · 25/09/2020 12:38

I had my first child at 18 I had no qualifications no money and I was in a violent relationship. I decided that I wanted better for my DD and realised I needed to be better I needed to change. So like you I did an access course went to university (had a baby during my second year) graduated with a 2:1 working 2 jobs. I left my relationship and slowly I built up myself esteem.it took a long time and now I have different struggles but I manage and my children look up to me and have seen me grow and have seen how hard I have worked for us. You're doing amazing you deserve to have a relationship without judgement. It's lonely being a single mother and you're doing all the right things. Good luck on your date and have fun. You can do this back to front upside down it doesn't matter as long as you're a good mum.

traveller11 · 25/09/2020 12:44

Don't feel embarassed, if he's right for you then it won't be something he picks up on

I've not worked in 4 years - single mum also. I met my OH 2.5 years ago and it wasn't something that he even mentioned.
My DD came on our dates with me (we come as a package), and that didn't scare him off so I don't think my lack of employment would either.

Have an amazing date.

Happyinheels · 25/09/2020 13:00

Have a fab date! And never apologise for who you are. You sound totally switched on. You are a mum. You've got hopes, dreams and aspirations. You sound like you have drive and ambition. Sometimes we stigmatise ourselves with the labels society throws around. Believe that you are awesome, believe that you are a great mum - such an important and bloody hard job! But most of all enjoy the date.

omega3 · 25/09/2020 13:10

You are enough. Flowers

Enjoy your date, know your boundaries, see if he measures up to you.

secretrugbyfan · 25/09/2020 13:17

From a male POV, if your date does not recognise the brilliant job you have done (and will continue to do) with your children given your past circumstances, and also you are looking to improve your career prospects for the benefit of you and your two children, he's not worthy of you. (I assume you are dating a 'he')

You will find someone who recognises you for where you have come from, where you are now and where you want to go, and they will love you more because of it.

I hope the date goes well.

nevermorelenore · 25/09/2020 13:24

You sound lovely and I hope the date goes well. Casual dating can be quite fun. You meet some interesting people, even if it doesn't work out. Just enjoy a kid free night and some grown up conversation.

Good luck with the access course too! I did one years ago and it was a brilliant experience. Still keep in touch with my old college friends.

Original poster
TRex92 · 25/09/2020 14:08

Thanks everyone! Feeling more confident after reading the responses :)

OP posts:
RPL1992 · 25/09/2020 19:48

You are enough ❤ have a great date!

Northernsoullover · 25/09/2020 22:09

Have a great date! Good luck with the Access course and hopefully the Social work course too..

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 25/09/2020 22:42

You are single with kids - bringing up children properly and giving them all they need is a tough job.

You aren't unemployed. You're a Mum.

Enjoy your date,hope it goes well.

Original poster
TRex92 · 27/09/2020 12:15

Thanks everyone! The date went really well :) we had lots to talk about and he didn't mind that I am a lone parent. In fact, he told me that he never knew his dad and he "turned out alright" and that is just made him love his mum more :)

OP posts:
Original poster
TRex92 · 27/09/2020 12:15

It*

OP posts:
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 27/09/2020 12:34

I tried dating and gave up, it was too expensive, emotionally and financially but the adult company was nice. I didn't like the imbalance of not having much disposable income compared to my dates however, I'm glad your date turned out well.

I have also done things backward, had Dd at 23, passed my driving test at 30, in fact 30 was a busy year, also started my degree and bought my council flat - that was through inheritance though. Then started teaching at 33. At points doing things backwards was a bit scary and when I was a single SAHM to Dd and on income support or working part-time etc I thought that was always going to be how it was. I had enough money to survive but not for new clothes and restaurant trips for dating. Things have turned out amazing and I wish I could go back and tell myself to stop stressing.

secretrugbyfan · 27/09/2020 13:01

Brilliant news......here's to date number 2!!

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