DP can't find stuff or loses stuff all the fucking time!

[Nonotthisagain]

It is driving me insane. We've just spent hours this evening trying to trace his coat with his bank cards in the pocket. Been through the cars, house, driven to his van to check, back home going through everything again. I talk him back through all his movements until we finally establish coat is at friend's house. Call friend, cards are not in pocket. We finally find them in his jeans pocket on floor on bedroom tucked under bed.

This sort of shit happens all the fucking time. All the fucking time.

And he can't find anything in the house even when right under his nose. I literally have to say 'it's right there, right in front of your finger' kind of thing.

I love him to bits but sometimes I could cheerfully kill him I swear!!

@Monty27
I’m a woman too. So with me plus pineapple, that’s two women you have come across who have similar memory problems and are diagnosed with ADHD.

@PineappleUpsideDownCake
I’m not sure about societal pressure being higher on women. I do know ADHD is different between the sexes though. Men tend to have the attention and memory problems and be hyper-active (unable to relax, always starting something new but never remembering to finish, jitters etc), but women with ADHD tend to get the hyper-focus super power instead of hyper-activity so we can focus on one thing for 24hrs straight with no breaks and complete that one thing, but we forget everything else. Some women can choose what to hyper focus on,others cannot choose- it just happens without warning.

My mrs calls them man eyes.

It's a very real thing, I've got a fully functioning pair of man eyes 😂

Someone else who thought ADHD. I’m
Not diagnosed as yet (going through the process) but this is me through and through. I find it really upsetting.

My ex boyfriend used to lose his keys every F time! I remember we had to wait outside his parents until his dad came home from work, in the cold. Even his parents would get pissed off with him. Lol

My DH is very 'helpful' and frequently puts things away/tidies up 'for me'. Which is wonderful - of course. Except it's not because he can then never remember where has put things. It is very annoying! It means we have numerous duplicates of things because he can't remember where has put the original and I can't find it (everything is in a 'logical' place so I have absolutely no chance of knowing where that might be) so I end up having to buy another one. And EVERY time we go out in the car we get half way down the road and he starts performing this little sitting 'dance'. He is looking for his wallet and/or phone. He always has it but can't remember where he has put it. It's lucky I love him to bits!

My DH can be like this and it can drive me round the bend.

He loses his keys regularly and his office security pass. I don't do anything to find them for him except suggest places he might have put them down (in the bathroom, in pockets of jackets or other clothes he was wearing, dropped down the side in his car etc.). The office pass has turned up in pockets of trousers he has put in the wash before now.

He simply never puts anything in the same place twice, then claims he has a system for everything and is extremely organised. He isn't.

I second tiles. They are brilliant
DH has had his for years (they now come with replaceable batteries) now. He didn’t replace the battery when it said it was low and his keys went missing for four days until I found them down the sofa

He immediately replaced the battery and bought three more. I did see something about a subscription but you don’t have to buy them with it.

The app is great it keeps them all listed, so one in his wallet, one for work keys, one for house, one for car keys etc etc and you tap the one your trying to find.

I was tempted with the sticker one for the cat.

Thabks Evil pea. I will research tiles. I need lots. This might be lifechanging!

DH doesn’t lose things but he is rubbish at looking for things! I will tell him exactly where something is and get a ‘I’ve looked and it’s not there’ so I March over and it’s right where I bloody said it was!!

Any chance he's dyspraxic? I'm dyspraxic - my coping mechanisms to stay on top of daily life are rigid routine and being ultra tidy- everything has an exact home and I have particular places where I "dump" things when I get in the front door to then unpack or put away. It's the only way, because despite having an amazing memory in many ways, I struggle with what I call "object recall". If I lose something, it'll take me ages to find it because it's not where it SHOULD be and I really struggle to retrace my steps.

I mask it well but I have to be very present in what I'm doing, because that's when I lose stuff- when I don't stay calm and attentive. I'm sure that's true for many people but I'm likely more prone to it.

I would suggest enforcing use of his basket, as you suggested yourself but otherwise it's up to him to look at his own behaviour and try to work out when & how he loses track of stuff and develops some coping mechanisms and habits. They have to come from him.

This is my FIL and to a lesser extent my DH. FIL is terrible - we'll arrange to meet a certain time, they arrive 30 minutes late because he misplaced his car keys. Again. DH has "man eyes" and is therefore incapable of seeing what is directly in front of his face.

When he asks just say "I don't know" or "I haven't seen them" and then ignore. Don't engage in the merry hunt for said items either. After a while he'll get the message. Worked a treat on my ex

I'm buying a basket/box today and I'm just going to try and get him into a routine with putting everything in there. He's pretty much the same with work but is his own boss so doesn't get into trouble. To be fair it isn't just because I find things as he was like this when he had his own place but of course it didn't really affect me then!

There may be issues causing this I guess but it seems like he simply doesn't think most of the time.

I'd love to be able to leave him to it every time but like last night , sometimes it affects me so I have to fucking help. It just drives me potty!

I have passive ADHD and thought for a second you might be my husband posting But I hadn't realised that it was my ADHD making me lose stuff - I feel slightly better about it now. I just assumed I was being crap!

My DP is the same but I put it down to the fact he doesn't have a routine for where things go when he's not using them. He also doesn't pay attention when he puts things down. There's a daily hunt for the TV remote because he has a habit of dropping down and not noticing where it's landed.

He's another that's also helpful and tidies things away but then can't remember where he's put it because he doesn't use logic, e.g. puts the cat's flea treatment in the same cupboard as her food but on a different shelf with the pasta.

I lose cars in car parks. I have no object memory at all of where I have parked it.

Ive learnt to ask the kids to visualise where we are (they dont have this problem). And I say out loud "the car is in x level.." these things help. If i just mentally note it and assume I'll remember.... I won't.

Its not for lack of "effort" ...

Hahaha. This made me laugh and cringe. My dh and kids are like this. Drives me bloody mental!! But it does remind of a time when my kids were small 4/5. Left work, picked them up. Went home. No house keys. Search bag, no keys. Search car. No keys. Back to babysitters - no keys!! Starting to go out of my mind. Kids are getting hungry. Drive back to work. Search car and bag again. No keys. Take kids into work. Turn my desk inside out. No keys!!!! Starting to panic. Just about ready to kick something when I realise keys had slipped into that stupid tiny little useless key sized pocket inside your bag. Who would put that there? Who doesn’t use it for anything other than lipstick or chewing gum or something small like a tissue !?!! Totally embarrassed. Take kids home over an hour later than normal. Got piss taken out of me for ages at work after that

I agree @PineappleUpsideDownCake

By its name, “Attention Deficit” you’d think people would understand that it’s not that we do not pay attention, but rather that we cannot pay attention. It’s like being colour blind, no amount of effort will allow a colour blind person to tell red from green the same that no amount of effort will allow a person with ADHD to have attention to notice AND remember the way normal people can.

Its not for lack of "effort" ...

In your case it's not, but it sounds like the OP has made an effort to provide tools and help her husband to find a way round his difficulties, but he is insisting that it's not a problem in which case it is a lack of effort.

Personally, I use my phone to take pictures of everything as soon as I can - car park levels, hospital letters, postage receipts, signs and posters and anything else that I might forget, which really helps, plus an online calendar that reminds me of everything that I would otherwise forget/lose.

Sometimes the system is too good though as I discovered yesterday when I took my son for some vaccinations that he had over a year ago!!