DP can't find stuff or loses stuff all the fucking time!

[Nonotthisagain]

It is driving me insane. We've just spent hours this evening trying to trace his coat with his bank cards in the pocket. Been through the cars, house, driven to his van to check, back home going through everything again. I talk him back through all his movements until we finally establish coat is at friend's house. Call friend, cards are not in pocket. We finally find them in his jeans pocket on floor on bedroom tucked under bed.

This sort of shit happens all the fucking time. All the fucking time.

And he can't find anything in the house even when right under his nose. I literally have to say 'it's right there, right in front of your finger' kind of thing.

I love him to bits but sometimes I could cheerfully kill him I swear!!

@MiniMum97
What are these “tiles” you use? Interested

I hadn't considered ADHD for my DH, but he is exactly the same and is probably dyslexic like DD1 - who also has ADHD.

I used to marvel at the way DH could remember all the stock we held as a business, in a variety of sizes at any given time, and what sizes particular customers needed, and who was behind on their account and who'd settled and approximately what the tax bill would be etc etc. But he couldn't find his bloody boots in the morning, or keys, or fleece or lunchbox, or work trousers or whatever it was that day.

When DD got assessed it was interesting that the disparity between different forms of memory was a sign that dyslexia may be an issue. Fortunately her visual memory is shit hot so she remembers where's she's seen DH's fleece etc.

Drove me nuts OP, but it won't change for DH. I'll look into those tile things though!

I'm like this. To a really irritating degree. I have tried all sorts of household schemes for keeping house/ tidying thinking it would help with finding things....

I'm sure I have adhd. My doctor is autistic and I believe its a similar brain space... my doctor didn't take it seriously though.

I must drive my partner nuts :(

It's honestly not intentional. It's so so irritating. Imagine if it was due to dementia or something, it feels like a similar inability to function. I have many times said my family wont notice when I get early stage dementia :(

It’s so annoying to see your partner like this when the solution - keeping important things consistently in the same place - is the easiest thing in all the world. Or should be for the vast majority of normal people.

That's the point if its something like adhd - it really isn't easy.
I'm also mostly faceblind. I can't recognise faces, how ever hard I try. There's no point saying, "its easy" just because its easy to most people. Or to a colour blind person that its easy to recognise green and blue for example. It really is like that with memory of where anything is.

I have places for things, but no visual memory. So if someone asks me where the X is. I can tell them the place it lives, as I know thats where it should be. I can't tell them that's where it is. And if it isn't there I won't have clocked it was left out on the side/ in my pocket.

I know it must be a nightmare to live with. But it really really really is so difficult to be the person struggling with this. Honestly.

Are you my DIL? DS has been like this since infants school. Never got any better, thank the Lord not my problem any more. Absolutely capable in all other ares of life but has never grasped keeping track of possessions.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@MiniMum97
What are these “tiles” you use? Interested[/quote]
Here's a link to them on Amazon but they are available from other places:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tile-Mate-Item-Finder-Pack/dp/B07W9BBCTB/ref=mpssa113?dchild=1&keywords=Tile&qid=1600987269&sr=8-3

There are often on special over Black Friday which is when I usually get mine. I got 4 for £30 last BF from Amazon.

Make sure you get the ones with changeable batteries.

Dont tiles require a subscription? That used to put me off.

Omg it doesnt seem to?! Im sure when it came in I thought it was the answer to everything ...but couldnt afford subscription for a billion things.

Im now thinking I need to save up for a billion tiles... (keys x 2, ID card, phone, bank card if it fits x 2.... pen)

Hate this DP loses things constantly! It’s of course always my fault! Walks around the house swearing throwing things around in an attempt to look. Why can’t He just put it in the same place everyday? I always end up finding it after a couple minutes but why should I!?
Sorry not much help think I needed to Have a rant get that out

DH is like this and I bought him some tile mates for Christmas, one year. Worked a treat until Ds2 discovered he could make dh's phone ring with them!

PickaCHew did you need a subscription? Presumably not? Maybe that was pre alex days...

I so need to get some...

My STBExH is exactly like this. He is so careless,, makes me want to scream. And it is never his fault, of course, just the world conspiring against him. He takes no responsibility for his carelessness, and never learns from his repeated losses.

Every day he mislays his keys / glasses / wallet / credit cards / etc. He is forever leaving purchases in shops (along with his credit card), sometimes in towns that are hundreds of miles away. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had to cancel bank cards because of his carelessness. On several occasions. When he ran a shop, he drove off and left the day’s takings in the car park. He has had to buy new phone after new phone because he has left the old one on the coach / in a shop at the park etc etc. Thank god he only uses cheap non-smart phones!

I’ve had more than enough it and have got much better at the ‘oh dear‘ responses these days. Instead of rushing around trying to help him find the lost thing like I used to do, I just leave him to sort it out for himself!

It’s so bloody expensive, too - he has lost the garage remote twice and it used to cost £80 to replace. And the back door key too, he had to get a locksmith out for that, more ££££££ that we didn’t have, wasted,

Google Executive Function and see what strategies could work for your DP.

Now I'm not usually one for suggesting how women should help their OH sort out shit that they should sort for themselves.

But was going to bite the bullet and say give him a definite spot...

Then saw

'I'm more cross this evening as I suggested getting his own box in the kitchen where he always puts his own stuff and only his stuff every time he comes in. Instead of the various places everyone else uses line the key bowl. Just one place for his and only his stuff that he decants everything into when he gets in and out becomes a habit.

He dismissed this as 'we've already got places for things' 🙄🙄🙄'

Which he doesn't use!

I find it hard to believe he's like this at work. Forgets meetings? Pass to get into office (pre corona). Loses client contact numbers? If in a non office job, forgets to take the stuff to the job/ loses van keys or whatever... Yeah who would employ him?

TBF I was a never lose things person but in peri menopause I am forgetful and I hate it. So I am doing things like make sure keys are in place as soon as get in.

He needs to sort it out himself. I know forgetfulness is just a thing. So he needs to deal with it.

Don't run around after him.

NBu at all OP. My husband is the same. In the last week, he's lost his glasses (that he wears ALL the time?!), his car keys (which he only had one copy of and it's cost him £500 for a replacement 🤬🤬🤬) and a post office receipt where he was going to make a claim for a missing parcel he sent out. The man's a walking nightmare.

Stop. Being. His. Fucking. Mum.

Time for consequences.

Please do look up executive function. For some of us this is as difficult as telling someone who is depressed to "just cheer up", or someone who is dyslexic to "just spell properly." I have some strategies that I put in place but I do still struggle. "Consequences" just wouldn't work. I'm as mortified as anyone if I cant find something important. It's horrible.

Surely some women must be like this. I don't actually know any but I digress.
I have a 24yo DS. He's a nightmare like my exdh his DF. Keys cards phones you name it there's a search party for something.
I pity anyone that has to put up with this crap.
Wtf is wrong with these people 😱
A bit harsh I know and I'm by no means perfect but seriously?

Monty I'm a woman! I know quite a few like this (like me) from joining adhd group and from making friends with others who admit they struggle...

Perhaps there's more societal pressure for a woman to find coping mechanisms than a man whon"has a wife"? And we put a lot of pressure on ourselves , especially when we struggle with other executive function skills.

My DH does this too. Along with starting to do one thing then getting distracted and starting another midway through.
He's very highly respected at work where he is management and very organised. He tells me he uses up all his common sense at work. Lucky me is left with him fumbling around for things everyday!
Its got worse since the introduction of 'the mask' to his routine. "I need a mask" "where's my mask" "ah I've lost my fucking mask again" IT'S ON YOUR FACE!!!!!!

@PineappleUpsideDownCake

Monty I'm a woman! I know quite a few like this (like me) from joining adhd group and from making friends with others who admit they struggle...

So am I. Like I said I'm not perfect but I find ways around it like putting things in the same place it sometimes fails I have to try really hard to be organised myself believe me