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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with my DH working from home?

51 replies

babyintheshade · 24/09/2020 17:09

DH is working from home and has been since march. I have always worked from home and am used to spending all day everyday alone. I know I am being unreasonable but I'm not loving him being at home al the time. I've previously been used to him being out of the house around 50 hours a week. He is set up in the kitchen and on calls a lot which means i can't get in to cook or do washings during the day. I can't run the hoover while he is working. I used to have my own routine where I'd get stuff like that done in the morning then I'd have the afternoon to work. Now I feel like I'm on his time frame, if he doesn't have much to do he is constantly coming in to see what I am up to and just generally hanging about, looking over my shoulder which is annoying.

He always wants to go for a walk after he finishes work which is fine but he always wants me to come with himand then I can't start dinner until he is done so if he finishes at 6, we walk for an hour and it takes an hour or more to cook dinner, clean up, eat put on washing and do housework then he feels like I'm ignoring him.

I get that he is used to being in an office and perhaps wants the company but equally I am used to a lot of privacy and solitude and I really, really miss it! I just loved the balance of time alone to work and then having him home at night.

It is really fine, I'd rather this than he have to keep going into the office at the moment but I just need a bit of a moan and to see if anyone else is feeling the same?

OP posts:
Chaosalloveragain · 24/09/2020 17:14

I'm the opposite. My dh is out of the house all hours working, he can't wfh. I wish he was around more. By the time he gets home it's too late and he's too tired to go for a walk.

Yanbu though because you can't help how you feel.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/09/2020 17:16

He needs to relocate. Can he squeeze a desk into anywhere else in the house?

WFH at the kitchen table is just a bigger-scale manspreading.

THisbackwithavengeance · 24/09/2020 17:18

YANBU.

My DH was working from home and he was the same, expecting everyone else's routine to fit in with his, expecting me to down tools and schedule appointments when it suited him and fit my own work schedule around him.

Luckily he's back at work now.

Iloveacurry · 24/09/2020 17:18

Why has he set up to work in the kitchen? That would annoy me! Can’t he set his office up in a bedroom at least?

5foot5 · 24/09/2020 17:19

Have you tried talking about the work arrangements, i.e. who does what, where and when? I take it you don't have a space that could be a dedicated office/study?

I can't start dinner until he is done so if he finishes at 6, we walk for an hour and it takes an hour or more to cook dinner, clean up, eat put on washing and do housework then he feels like I'm ignoring him.

Surely it is not just you doing these things? If these jobs are split 50:50 then he can see you are not ignoring him but both working together so that you can then sit down together to enjoy the rest of your evening

doctorhamster · 24/09/2020 17:20

Yanbu. I also have a DH working at the kitchen table all day. The desk in the spare room isn't big enough apparently. He doesn't understand why I'm so bothered but I'm honestly not sure my marriage can survive another 6 months Confused

DragonPie · 24/09/2020 17:21

Does he not cook dinner or clear up?

He needs to move his office, he can’t expect you to be silent in the house.

Original poster
babyintheshade · 24/09/2020 17:21

There isn't really anywhere else he can go as he need two screens to work and nowhere else has room for a big enough table. I work in the small backbed room but it is set up with cumbersome specialist equipment. We just never planned for this senario, I think we probably need to move to a bigger house if he wants to keep working from home in the future as he has indicated.

I do get I am lucky I just am so used to spending a lot of time alone I feel a bit frazzled if I don't get that.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 24/09/2020 17:22

Exactly the same scenario. He used to wfh only on a Friday now it’s permanent. It is nice in some ways but same kitchen issues as you describe. He mentioned he would have to go into the office for an important meeting and shamefully my heart sank when he said it was in November and not sooner ...used to having house to myself!

Angelina82 · 24/09/2020 17:23

Why is it your job to do all the housework if you’re both working from home?

Original poster
babyintheshade · 24/09/2020 17:24

To be honest I do most of the housework and cooking, it was never an issue before because I was at home all day and it was easy to keep on top of and prep the dinner when it suited me, I really enjoy cooking. He does help wash up and does the ironing which I hate.

This isn't a marriage threat but its just a drag really.

OP posts:
Original poster
babyintheshade · 24/09/2020 17:26

@MsTSwift I think its just that, I'm so used to being on my own, I need it for my sanity and before I had a great balance but now I never get that and its a difficult adjustment for me.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/09/2020 17:27

Can you re-jig your master bedroom to squeeze him into there?

DCIRozHuntley · 24/09/2020 17:27

Is there any way you can get one of those cabin set up things in the garden? They're usually about £2-3k I think but cheaper than moving house. Or possibly a garage conversion? My DH has an office outside, it's only 3 or 4 steps from the house but it keeps him feeling like he is "going to work" and helps me not to feel so watched. I often totally forget he is out there.

Your setup sounds really hard.

AlwaysLatte · 24/09/2020 17:28

Could you move your set up into the kitchen and put him where you usually work? As you can't be working and hoovering at the same time you won't be disturbing either of you.

RuggerHug · 24/09/2020 17:28

Sit him down and say something along the lines of "Look, this wasn't planned and when it happened we didn't know for how long it would go on. So the set up was as far as we knew temporary. It's no one's fault but it has to change. This is how I got everything done before, now we both have to work together. How do you propose we do it?"

Original poster
babyintheshade · 24/09/2020 17:29

It's not my job to do all the housework but it used to be not an issue when I had my routines. I probably am fussy about it and if he does clean up its never to a good standard i.e. ask him to hoover he will do it but he doesn't check to see if crap is still on the floor, or he'll wash the dishes but not wipe out the sink after.

OP posts:
amieejust · 24/09/2020 17:32

I hated having my DH WFH on Fridays, but since becoming unemployed over a year ago he's home all the time, it's unbearable sometimes Sad

Original poster
babyintheshade · 24/09/2020 17:33

@RuggerHug I think this is it I need to find a new routine that works for both of us. I did say I was going to put a do not disturb sign on the door when I was concentrating on something.

I can't move to the kitchen as I need a special set up as well unfortunately not just pc stuff.

@DCIRozHuntley

I'll look into that and see if anything like that would work but we do have a very small garden so not sure.

OP posts:
minipie · 24/09/2020 17:34

He needs to work somewhere else - can you move your bed into a corner go make space for a desk? Or pull the bed away from the wall and put desk behind it? DH has two screens on a tiny desk, he definitely doesn’t need a dining table size desk. One that is wide but skinny (shallow depth) would work fine for two screens and could work well in a bedroom.

You only come with him on the walk if he takes on half the tasks you need to do after the walk (sounds like he ought to be taking on a bigger share of these anyway frankly)

minipie · 24/09/2020 17:36

PS I don’t know if you are planning DC but if you are please please get the housework balance equal before you do. Even if you have to lower your standards .

Original poster
babyintheshade · 24/09/2020 17:36

Our house is just too small for us both to be working from home all the time. Its just one of those things we couldn't have forseen. Prior to the pandemic we had a good set up.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 24/09/2020 17:36

You do realise people who do cleaning badly, do so deliberately so you do it for them?

I do wish women would stop perpetuating the stereotype that it's OK that they do all the housework, if we don't say it's unfair it will just continue generation after generation.

Original poster
babyintheshade · 24/09/2020 17:40

@minipie he annotates large drawings which are sent out to him so he really does need a big table.

The thing is most homes aren't set up to be permenant work spaces for one person let alone two people. It must be hard for lots of people.

Yes if we do have kids I think my standards would have to go down. He's a good guy but his mother did everything for him and he just doesn't know what to do to clean, I had to teach him how to dust!

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 24/09/2020 17:41

My DH is WFH and has done so right through the pandemic. It’s worked out really well for us, as I’ve been coping with long COVID (I already had CFS) and recently a badly sprained ankle as well on top of previous injuries.

It looks like it’s going to be like this for some time, which is great for me and our DDs (11 and 8), and mostly for him as well, as he previously had a long commute. (Although it is wearing a bit thin for him at times, as he’s never been at home this much in the past.)

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